The Horror Honeys: Just Don't Die: How to Survive the Night in a Haunted House

Just Don't Die: How to Survive the Night in a Haunted House

A Guide to Not Dying in a Haunted House Hosted By Supernatural Honey Kim

There are many reasons one might find themselves within the walls of a haunted house. Perhaps an untimely storm has forced you to seek shelter. Maybe a dead relative left a provision for you in their will. Or even as part a dare made by your closest 'friends.' Whatever the reason, you have now found yourself in an honest to goodness haunted house. And wouldn't you know it? The lights have just gone out. Or maybe there were no lights to begin with. Whatever your situation, you have one goal: survive the night. That shouldn't be TOO hard… right? If you've ever watched a horror movie, you already know the answer to that question. But if you really want to get out of this alive, you better sit back and pay attention to these steps.

Step One: Just Say No

The best way to survive a haunted house is to just not go inside. Don't. Bad idea. Be the person who says, "You know what? Not worth it." There's no shame in that. Is the rainstorm really that bad? Do you really care what your friend might think if you back out of a dare? Don't be a lemming. And who really needs a million dollars from their dead grandmother's estate? Okay, you got me with that last one. A million dollars is a pretty tempting reason to stay in a haunted house.

Step Two: Deflect

So, what if you were dared to stay in the house? Haven't you ever turned a dare around on someone with the triple dog dare? The only way to inherit all of that mysterious family money is to stay the night? Au contraire my friend, hire a ringer to PLAY you for the night. I mean, if they make it through alive, you're gonna be a millionaire and if they don't… well, then you don't need to pay them because they're dead and then you really dodged the proverbial bullet. There's no shame in a little deception if it means you don't die at the hands of Casper.

Step Three: Bring Friends

You're stuck. The only option, for whatever reason, is to go inside the house. Fine, sometimes in life you have to face your challenges head-on. But who says you have to do it alone? If horror movies have taught us anything, it's that almost no one enters a haunted house by themselves. And why is that? Because you're going to need some serious decoys if you plan on getting out of this intact. Remember, it's best to bring friends in whom you're not overly fond of because in all likelihood the only way you're going to get through this is if they don't. It was time to thin the herd anyway. Just think of it as the ultimate in purging of those pesky Facebook friends who do nothing but post pictures of their salad. I mean honestly. Salad.

Ghosts LOVE picking off groups of friends.

Step Four: Make Good Choices

I realize that this step should be obvious, but if horror has taught us anything, it's that sometimes what should be obvious to even the dumbest of dumb toddlers remains just out of our reach when things get crazy. The downfall of the majority of horror characters is that they just can't seem to stop themselves from making bad choices. Learn from their mistakes and evolve. What does "make good choices mean?" Let's take a look at the next step.

Step Five: Keep it in Your Pants

I get it. If you're in this kind of haunted house situation, there is a high probability that you're a teenager, and as anyone who's ever watched any movie in the Friday the 13th franchise knows, teenagers are incapable of keeping their pants on. This may sound like a gross generalization, but I dare you to name a horror franchise featuring a group of teenagers where there wasn't at least one set of characters having sex or trying to have sex. I'll wait.

Wandering off to a secluded location is a bad idea in any horror situation, but in a haunted house? At least with a slasher villain, you have a chance to fight back. What are you going to do if the ghost attacks you? Kill it? Good luck with that. It's a hard line to cross. Sure, sex is fun. But ask yourself, is going one night without any nookie really that difficult when your life is on the line? And maybe for some of you, it is. Power to you horny friends, I hope those seven minutes in heaven are worth an eternity of being trapped inside this haunted house. For the rest of you, congratulations on controlling your libidos for the evening. You're one step closer to getting through this.

Someone is always watching... 
Step Six: Do You Really Need to Know What That Noise Was?

Honestly, how often have you screamed at the TV during a horror film when someone goes to investigate a weird noise. I'm mean, really, what good has ever come from finding out what the noise is? At best, you stumble across your parents having sex and at worst, it's some inhuman spirit determined to kill you and keep your spirit trapped with it for an eternity. So, ask yourself, is it really worth it? If the answer is yes, and you absolutely have to know, then the I'll refer you back to Step Three and have you send a friend first. Always send a friend first. If you're at the point where your friends are all either dead or possessed by homicidal ghosts, we'll move along to the next step.

Can you run faster than your buddies? Then you won't die.
Finally: Just Don't Die

The most important thing to remember when staying the night in a haunted house is that you CANNOT under any circumstances, die. Beyond all of the negative side effects of, well, dying, you're now trapped here. That's right, friend, taking that dare wasn't just a bad life decision, it was a bad AFTER-life decision. Don't you know that those that die in haunted spots are doomed to remain there for eternity? Or at least until you can con some living person into staying the night in a haunted house and get their spirit to take your place…

If you enjoyed this article, be sure to pick up the February "Haunted House" issue of Belladonna magazine!
Coming February 25th...