Halloween is coming, and if you are anything like the Honeys, you start planning your costume months in advance. October 31 is a night to try on a different personality, be creative, and show off what you love. Our favorite costumes are the ones like the costume pictured above from Reddit user CampingIsInTents... it's funny, it's creative, and it pays homage to a classic horror film. But every year, without fail, you will inevitably see someone wearing a costume like this one, and it will make you want to break things:
|They risk their lives for strangers, but no.|
Let's trivialize that with a mini skirt.
The "Sexy Slasher"
Let's start with the obvious here: it makes no sense. While I MIGHT be willing to give you that the ACTUAL Robert Englund is an attractive fella, there was nothing sexy about Freddy, Jason, or Michael Myers. Second, shoving your bits into a spandex blue jumpsuit that just HAPPENS to have the title Halloween written on it does not make you Michael Myers. These costumes are ridiculous and no actual horror fan will take you remotely seriously if you wear them. If you want to be a slasher, dress like a motherfucking slasher. Don't sexualize it because that's presumed what a woman should want on Halloween.
The "Insulting Soldiers/Firefighters/Cops"
This classy number is called, "Goin Commando." I'm not sure which element is more ridiculous: the fact that anyone who would wear it wouldn't last 30 seconds in an active combat zone or that the title is so epically grammatically incorrect. I guess if you have a camo-fetish, this might be a great costume for you, but everyone else should steer clear of costumes that trivialize the work of people who risk their lives for the safety of others. If a REAL female soldier can't expose her cleavage to the enemy, you can't either.
The "LOOK! LOOK! WE ARE A COUPLE!"
Halloween is the one day a year you can be ANYONE you want. But if you insist on using that one day a year to remind everyone within a two-mile radius that you are a couple, just stay home and watch The Notebook. Couples costumes aren't always the worst, but the "Key to My Heart" costume above isn't even clever. It's just gold lamé shit slapped on black jumpsuits that you overpaid for. Don't be THAT couple.
The "I Know NOTHING About this Culture But This
Costume Showed Off My Tits!"
Oh, you're a sexy geisha with all your bits and pieces hanging out huh? Did you know geishas were often young women who had their virginity auctioned off to the highest bidder? Or that others were highly educated and sought-after performance artists that were greatly skilled musicians and dancers? I bet you didn't know that geishas wore beautiful kimonos in extravagant colors that would never expose their legs, thighs, boobs, or under-butt. No, you probably didn't know any of that, standing there in your slutty "geisha" costume, crapping on a culture with centuries worth of tradition. Be sure not to make eye contact with any Japanese women as you do body shots off your friend in the slutty ninja costume.
The "My Bros and I Thought This was HIGH-larious!"
First of all, if you are the kind of person who laughed at any of these costumes, we probably can't help you anyway. But I assure you, unless you are 19-years-old and looking to score with a drunk chick in one of the costumes above, no one is going to find those costumes amusing. Oh, you're a "pussy magnet?" So clever. Enjoy it while you can, because in ten years when you are pushing thirty and still pounding brewskis with the dudes and hitting on teenagers, no one will find it cute. But to be fair, I doubt any of the Honeys found it cute at nineteen either.
2015 Addition - NOT funny.
The "Sexy Nerd That Doesn't Know What a Nerd Is"
I don't even know where to begin with this costume. First, it basically just looks like they took a "Catholic school girl" uniform and shoved a "I <3 nerds" shirt in the plastic package. Second, the people that made this costume obviously don't know what a real nerd is.
|This is a nerdy girl. A cute, cute nerdy girl.|
|These... are nerdy girls.|
|This... is kind of a nerdy girl. Her hair is more coifed than mine when I'm gaming.|
That costume is a joke. Yeah, I own knee-high socks. But they have Jason-masks all over them. Yeah, I had a Catholic school girl skirt. When I was seven and went to Catholic school. And I don't even know what to say about that stupid bow-tie. And pretty much any pre-packaged costume that pretends to know what a "nerd" or "geek" is will likely be equally as offensive.
"Sexy" Wednesday Addams
I think it's safe to say that outside of Lydia Deetz, pretty much every girl that grew up to love horror also grew up idolizing Wednesday Addams. Whether it was the original Wednesday, as portrayed by Lisa Loring, or the film version played by Christina Ricci, Wednesday Addams is an icon for too many reasons to list in this small space. So basically, when you see ANYONE strutting down fraternity row in either of the costumes above, you can be sure she hasn't seen The Addams Family since she was 7-years-old. Worse yet: there is ZERO chance she understands shit about Wednesday. Wednesday Addams NEVER would have grown up to sexualize herself for the purpose of being anyone else's object. Further more, if she was going to be sexy, she would have learned how from her mother, who would roll her eyes at those girls above. You want to REALLY piss off a Horror Honey? Sexualize one of her heroes.
The "Unidentifiable Sexy Knock-Off"
Once again, let's just address that I want to find the person responsible for turning Halloween into an excuse to dress like a tramp like it's a giant once-a-year revelation and punch them in the face. If you have the courage to dress like a tramp the other 364 days a year and then dress like Audrey Hepburn on October 31? I SALUTE YOU! Anywho... The problem with the above "Beetlejuice" costume is similar to the problem with the Michael Myers costume at the top: if you have to TELL people what costume you're wearing by slapping a a giant logo on it, it's a bad costume. Further, taking an iconic character and just "feminizing" it by adding a corset and tulle isn't just stupid. It's offensive. If you're a woman who wants to be Beetlejuice, be motherfucking Beetlejuice. DON'T BE "GIRL BEETLEJUICE." It's unnecessary and demeaning.
2015 "Yes, We're Still Pissed" Updates
Sexualizing a Tragic Character
Head Honey Kat spotted the following costume at Party Bazaar in Vancouver and I can't even begin to explain how pissed most of us were. The only thing worse than sexualizing a serial killer? Sexualizing a devastating character with a tragic past. Edward Scissorhands was cobbled together by a lonely scientist, who treated Edward like a son. The scientist died before he completed Edward, leaving him without hands. Edward was adopted by a suburban housewife, then used, ostracized, and tortured because of his differences, to the point where he was driven back into a castle on top of a mountain and away from the woman he loved, where he remained for the rest of his life (and given he was likely immortal, that means eternity). But sure. If you're a girl and you want to be Edward Scissorhands, it's totally necessary to slap on some thigh highs, a mini-skirt, and a pleather corset, which is absolutely not disrespectful to the sheer concept of Edward, and all other people who feel marginalized and therefore, identify with Edward.
EXCEPT OH WAIT! You CAN be a woman and be Edward Scissorhands without making it about flashing skin. The following picture is of my good friend, Judy. Judy made her own Edward Scissorhands costume.
|Judy... is awesome.|
Tone-deaf News/Pop Culture Costumes
I am not against costumes inspired by the news. Sometimes, the only way to get over horrible shit is to laugh at it, which is why I anticipate a LOT of Donald Trump as President costumes this year. But some costumes are just not fucking funny. Is it funny to wear a costume of the shitbag that shot a lion for funzies? I sure don't think so. Are the inevitable Kim Davis costumes funny? Nope. It just continues to draw attention to a human lump of cow shit and frankly, I hate even typing her name in this article. And if you are even CONSIDERING a Bill Cosby costume? Re-consider. There is a difference between a satirical costume and a costume that is in poor taste. But since assholes like that fat-shaming comedian don't know the meaning of the word "satirical," it shouldn't be surprising that Party City doesn't either. All of that being said, put some thought into your costume. And if you want to be edgy, be edgy and smart. Because "too soon" IS a thing.
End of October 2015 Update
The "If think this costume is funny, you're a shithead" costume
Do you know how sometimes, you see something, and you think, "That is utterly disgusting. There is no way that will continue to be a thing,"? Well, that is what I thought when I saw the "Anna Rexia" costume in 2011 and guess what? It's still a thing. You would never, EVER see someone out on Halloween wearing a "cancer" costume or a "multiple sclerosis" costume, and yet it's perfectly acceptable to make fun of a mental illness that has brutal and deadly physical results? Fuck. You. Costume maker. And fuck you ANYONE who would even CONSIDER wearing this. Do you want to see the real face of "Anna Rexia?" Jessi Davin has something to show you.
2016 Update - The "Rapey" Costume
You know how sometimes, you see a dude in a costume and you think... "fuck, I'm just going to stay away from that guy. He's obviously hiding roofies in there somewhere"? Well these are those costumes. They are the costumes that are desperately begging for blowjobs like it's hilarious, or imply they are masking giant erections, or like the two above, seem to request they be jammed up a vagina in their entirety. They could also fall under the "bro" heading, except you are far more likely to find them at your local terrifying frat house than hovering around a typical group of bros. They are cringeworthy, but if they serve any purpose, at least they act as a sort of warning alarm for any woman who might venture near them.
But just in case the above weren't warning enough...
That's a serial killer. Only a serial killer would wear that costume. Just immediately inform your local SVU if you see someone wearing this costume. If you see something... say something.
Do you have a costume that gets under YOUR skin every year?
Tell me on Twitter: @linnieloowho
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