The Shallows (2016)
When a film exists for the sole purpose of entertainment, and absolutely nothing else, it's hard to cut it down. Such is the case with The Shallows, a movie that in different hands, and with a different star, would probably have ended up on SyFy. But as it is, directed by Jaume Collet-Serra (Orphan, Run All Night, the surprisingly adept House of Wax remake) and starring Blake Lively, it's not surprising that so many people reacted so positively to this latest entry in the killer shark genre. Still, as a critic who is automatically twitchy about films that cast sharks as vengeful super villains, and someone who has only seen Blake Lively in traveling pants, I went into The Shallows skeptical.
And turned it off feeling pretty much the same.
But, in the interest of fairness, and since The Shallows never pretends to be anything more than it is, this review is going to consist of a nice compliment sandwich.
|No, not THAT kind of compliment sandwich.|
|This kind. But in reverse. Sorry, The Shallows.|
|It's like Blue Crush. But with the threat of amputation.|
Bad Bun: If you watch The Shallows looking for logic, you will find none. This is not a film that dallies over little things like... facts. Or reality. The crux of the story is that Nancy ended up surfing in this shark's feeding ground, and regardless of the fact that the shark has fed on a frigging whale, now decides it also wants to eat Blake Lively's bony leg. Despite the years of damage done by Bruce's depiction in Jaws, sharks are not thrill killers, and they don't feed when they aren't hungry. It makes for a great thriller to have the shark in The Shallows intent on ripping Blake Lively limb-from-limb for shits and giggles, but frankly, I'd rather see a shark film that stuck to the facts. Or at least justified the attacks (ex: Deep Blue Sea).
|But what happened to the seagull?|
|Each shot is like a postcard. A half-naked Myrtle Beach postcard.|
|No. No, dear.|
|Seagull Sisterhood of the Stationary Bikini Bottoms|
Revenge Honey Rating: 3 partially digested torsos out of 5
The Shallows is available via iTunes, Amazon Instant Video, Vudu, Google Play, YouTube VOD, & blu-ray/DVD on September 27th!
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