The Horror Honeys: Who Needs Fireworks? Hide Inside with Horror on the 4th!

Who Needs Fireworks? Hide Inside with Horror on the 4th!

A Revenge Honey WEB EXCLUSIVE 4th of July List with Linnie


Fireworks? Heat? Drunk people? Food cooked outside where bugs can land on it, and loud noises to make your dog pee himself in fear? Bah-humbug, says I! For your Revenge Honey, the 4th of July isn't so much a holiday, as a day to sit inside in the nice cool house, scowling at children through the blinds and watching movies in the dark. But, if you insist on having a theme to your film-watching on this unholiest of holidays, I've put together a list of appropriate movies to queue up while you hide from all the noise, noise, noise, noise.


Jaws

Obviously, you can't have a 4th of July movie marathon that doesn't include Jaws. It might actually be a law. Hell, there is even a chance it's playing in a theater near you today, if you insist on going out. I won't be, but gods bless.

National Treasure

Is there anything more American than Nic Cage? Yes. Nic Cage stealing the Declaration of Independence. Yeah, it's not horror, but what, like you're so great?

The Bay

Barry Levinson's The Bay is one of the few found-footage films I don't hate. It also confirms my theory that the best thing you can do on the 4th is just stay in your damn house with the damn blinds shut and keep your damn mouth shut. And don't trust anyone or anything.

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

I actually prefer the remake of Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes, because it gives a more obvious middle-finger to the government responsible for creating the mutants. Sure, it's not subtle, but not everything has to be. Sometimes, you just want to see a mutant get stabbed with an American flag, and another be crazy while the National Anthem plays in the background.

Independence Day

Well, obviously. And this year, do your patriotic duty by staying home and watching the original, instead of spending your hard-earning American dollars on a sequel no one wanted.

Masters of Horror: The Washingtonians

Honestly, this movie is disgusting. It's not even one of the better entries in the Masters of Horror series. But it posits that George Washington and his buddies were cannibals and for that kind of idiotic ingenuity alone, you have to give them props. Seriously, though. It's disgusting.

The Purge: Anarchy

These Purge movies have slowly been getting better with every one, so by the time we have The Purge: Wabbit Season or whatever, this series should be goddamned Citizen Kane. And you don't get more American than the stupid idea behind The Purge itself. Personally, I'd be hiding in a broom closet with my pets and an industrial-size can of pepper spray. But you do you.

Cape Fear

Who doesn't want to spend the 4th of July with Robert De Niro? Well, besides just about anyone, because he doesn't seem like a lot of fun to be around anymore. But never was he less fun than in Scorsese's remake of Cape Fear, when he played unhinged stalker/pedophile predator Max Cady. Note: If Bobby D ever asks you to go on a boat trip with him, or offers to walk your dog, or date your daughter... tell him no.

An "If You Must" Mention to 2000 Maniacs

Listen, I grew up in the south, so I've had my fill of confederate-flag waving rednecks. Thus, 2000 Maniacs, and its pseudo-remake, semi-sequel 2001 Maniacs, didn't do a lot for me. But hey, who am I to stop you if racist cannibalism is your bag? Don't mind me, and my judgy stare.


What will YOU be watching on the 4th?
Tell me on Twitter: @linnieloowho