The Horror Honeys: Trailer Buzz ~ Yoga Hosers. I quit.

Trailer Buzz ~ Yoga Hosers. I quit.

Due partly to the fact that I'm Canadian, there are many things that can be said about the debut of the trailer for Kevin Smith's second Canuxploitation film in his obviously hallucinogenic-fueled trilogy.

When Yoga Hosers, was teased during the release of Tusk (read my rage review here) I was sure that my eyes must have rolled so far back in my head that the threat of going blind was a real possibility. Now, I wish it had actually been the case so I wouldn't have had to watch that trailer.


But I did...

The story (edited for my amusement): Colleen and Colleen are BFFs AF. Manitoba is where they go to school together, do yoga together, play in a band together, and work together at a boring convenience store (really... Manitoba, huh? Like ALL of Manitoba? MANITOBA IS A PROVINCE. That's like saying you go to school in Illinois, you ass. Believe me, there are lots of actual fucked up place names in Canada, specifically in Manitoba... just PICK ONE. Also... working at 15, all alone, in a store... There are legal flaws in this, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter, and hey, look at me applying logical details to a film that features a villain that's a racist bratwurst.). Life is whatevs, but also on fleek (fuck you, Kevin Smith). That’s kinda what being 15 and a half is all about. #RealTalk (UGH)

So when two older guys invite the Colleens to a senior party, the girls are determined to go no matter what—even if that “what” is a terrible, secret evil that threatens to destroy everything decent and polite about Canada (I'd like Kevin Smith to explain why he finds Nazi's so hilarious). Can Colleen and Colleen save the day and go viral (#goals)? Will those senior boys prove squad-worthy (I hope they die and that Kevin learns the meaning of squad)?

I'm fairly certain that the five minutes I just spent on Google researching child labor laws in Manitoba is more research than Kevin Smith has ever done... and he based two movies there.

You're adorable!
One day you'll look back at this and laugh try to forget it ever happened.
What's in the trailer: Like many of Kevin Smith's more recent attempts at moviemaking, there is the seed of a good movie buried under a mountain of bro-tastic bullshit that belongs nowhere near this movie. Just like Justin Long and his inappropriate facial hair and bad accent, and Johnny Depp's pathetic attempt at staying relevant, they belong far, far away from Harley-Quinn and Lily Rose as they attempt to act in this nightmare. Thankfully, in under 2 minutes, we know the point of the film (going to a party with boys that look like they need to be punched), the helper-monkey (Depp in his awful prosthetics and accent), the villain (you're pathetic), and how the villain is dispatched (with yoga, teamwork and Instagram, of course!)

Part of me feels bad; a teen-focused film with two sassy female protagonists uniting to be badasses without the backbiting, slut shaming, name calling, and catfighting that male writers seem to believe is real, should be a good thing. I should be excited about this.

But then this happened.

Stop touching my flag.

And this.

Are you kidding me?

And this.

NOPE THE FUCK
Yoga Hosers hits theatres (select theatres I'm sure) the day after my birthday, and my present to myself is NOT watching it. After that, Smith is taking this fucker on tour. So you have that to look forward to.

Are you into this?