The Horror Honeys: Honey Buzz ~ The Shallows: Girl meets Shark, A Love/Hate Story

Honey Buzz ~ The Shallows: Girl meets Shark, A Love/Hate Story

On June 29th, Sony decided to ruin summer with a new shark attack movie. We all know how this goes by now. So let's dive right in.

Cue the "surfers are badasses!" chatter that I'll be ignoring.
The story (edited for my amusement): when Nancy (Blake Lively) is surfing on a secluded beach, she finds herself in the feeding ground of a great white shark (and you can see in the trailer because the shark jumps... like in the Shark Week specials - that's RAW). Though she is stranded only 200 yards from shore, survival proves to be the ultimate test of wills (can you have a battle of wills with a shark?), requiring all of Nancy’s ingenuity, resourcefulness, and fortitude (the shark doesn't have anything better to do in this case, I guess).

What's in the trailer: The entire movie. Complete with the creature reveal and some feeding time. Nancy catches some waves, we get some classic "up the butt" surfing POV, and sigh blissfully that she had found "Paradise."

Unfortunately, "Paradise" comes with a massive shark and some idiots with GoPros. So there's that. We also get to see Nancy battle bravely for her life after having her thigh nibbled artfully by a shark with a much smaller jaw than the one CGI swimming next to her in the next shot... Can I also point out that sharks like this primarily survive on a diet of seals... lithe, fatty creatures... Blake Lively is neither of those things. But now I'm just nitpicking.

Goddamn mosquitos.
It's not my imagination that horror films featuring sharks and shark attacks are numerous - making the "animal horror" genre a little... waterlogged (if you will). Like Jaws, The Shallows touts a man against beast focus, so if you're into watching blonde chicks being terrorized by something menacing (and we all know you are), and somehow need to see another movie about unprovoked shark attacks, then perhaps The Shallows is for you.

What I really want to know is why there aren't any movies made about the animals that really kill more humans a year... fucking MOSQUITOS, yo.

Are you prepared to wade into The Shallows
I'll be watching Jaws
The Shallows will be in theatres on June 29th