The Horror Honeys: Zombie Survival: Don't Fucking Do That

Zombie Survival: Don't Fucking Do That

Zombie Survival Rules from Zombie Honey Bella

I watch a lot of zombie movies. Obviously. And what I’ve learned from these zombie movies is that people can be really dumb. So dumb, that I hang my head in shame and wait for the zombies to win. And the zombies will win, if people continue to do the stupid things that get them dead - or worse - bitten.

What are these stupid things? Well, I’m going to tell you - because I care about your survival. Mostly. Actually, I care about my survival and if you’re anywhere near me, I’m going to need you not to be stupid or undead so that I can stay alive - or at the very least so I don’t have to kill you. Which I will do. Without hesitation. And probably without remorse.

But this article isn’t about my own psychopathy.

Now, the following things could apply to any horror movie situation. But I’m the Zombie Honey, for all of my intents and purposes, it’s strictly covering the dumb shit you should avoid doing during a zombie apocalypse. Should these tips come in handy for you in any other event, let me know. I enjoy a good ego stroke.

This is not reality. 

Don’t Fucking Approach the Zombies.
You would think this was as common sense as it gets, but it’s not. Especially when loved ones are involved. You see someone shambling towards you on the horizon. You recognize their face as the good uncle that sat with you at the kids table - but not in a creepy way. You run towards him, you getting faster, him still shambling. You're tempted to move in for an embrace - and why not - surely this favorite uncle recognizes you. But no. He fucking doesn’t. Because he’s dead. Undead. Moving in for that embrace will only hurt you. I promise.

Too many time we see people forget that the undead aren’t thinking, feeling creatures. They have no recollection of their past lives or the persons with whom they had bonds. It’s best to put all of that emotionality behind you during the zombie outbreak. If you see a loved one who has become infected, put them out of your misery immediately. Mourn them later. But don’t fucking hug them.

This!

Don’t Fucking Fight the Zombies.
You will not win a fight with a zombie in a hand to hand combat. You are not some mystical ninja with the power to shove your fist through their necks and sever their spinal cord. You are not a predator collecting their spinal columns. Although, if you are, show me your collection because that is amazing. I know most people don’t go into a zombie horde expecting to fight them off with their bare hands - but it’s still amazing to me how often we see this sort of thing happen. Stop it.

NOT THIS!

If you find yourself surrounded by zombies, your first instinct may be to fight. But I highly recommend retraining your lizard brain to veer to flight instead. The likelihood of you being able to outrun - or out walk, even - a zombie is way higher than your ability to complete a lethal spinal tap with your uppercut.

I don't care how big your barn is. Don't do it.

Don’t Fucking Keep the Zombies.
Hold on a moment while I get rid of this headache from rolling my eyes so hard. Why in the undead world would you want to keep the zombies? There is no cure. There is no magic pill that is going to make them better. And there sure as shit is no way that you’re training them to do your dirty work. An army of zombies is not an actual thing. At least not a thing that you’ll be in charge of. So, if you’re hoarding a horde, get rid of it. Seriously. I shouldn’t even have to tell you this.

When have you seen that this has ever worked out well? Never. And I’ll tell you why. Because you get lazy and cocky. That’s why. And while being lazy and cocky you forget that people are animals and in horrible situations they do stupid shit. So, you may not be the one releasing your undead brood on the unsuspecting masses but dumb-dumb in your entourage will. And it’s still going to be your fault that everyone died and came back to life and is hunting you down. Why? Because. You. Kept. The. Zombies.

If you were alone, who would be there to laugh at this would you?

Don’t Fucking Go Alone.
Oh, there’s a basement? Don’t go in there, at least not alone.
Oh, there’s an attic? Don’t go in there, at least not alone.
Oh, a dark alley with mysterious sounds and the distinct aroma of death? DON’T. GO. IN. THERE… at least not alone.

A good rule of thumb is to generally just not go anywhere where you could potentially get yourself dead. But if you absolutely must, take a friend with you. Why? Because two sets of eyes are better than one and your adrenaline is probably high and you think you can handle anything when in reality you forgot to tie your shoes, you pissed your pants, and you mistook a pile of garbage for a surviving hobo. Also - maybe your friend will distract the inevitable zombie waiting for you and you’ll be the one to escape. Probably not. But you never know. So, do you have your apocalypse buddy?

Photo of actual zombie fucking was avoided to keep you perverts from getting any other great ideas.

Don’t Fucking Fuck (the Zombies).
This will always be on any of my lists of dumb-shit not to do during a zombie apocalypse.

I know, tragedy is a HUGE aphrodisiac. You’ve survived for a while, you’ve met other survivors. Everyone has beards. Things get weird. It’s okay. But maybe, just maybe, keep your junk in your pants - at least until you know you’re in a super safe place for a while. The desire to get your groove on because you’re surviving might be strong with you, but the hunger for brains is probably stronger with the zombies and they don’t care if you’re "so close".

And, of course, don’t fuck the zombies. Just don’t. Ever. They aren’t even dead; they are undead. I know that necrophilia is a thing - and I’m only judging you a little bit for that. But this goes beyond the “what the hell” of a necrophiliac. It really does. Because these things are rotten. Literally. And if that wasn’t enough - you will become infected. Especially if biting is part of your foreplay. … … … But I’ve said too much.


In short...
Don’t fucking do any of that.