The Revenge Honey's Top 10 Favorite Scenes of Penis Maiming
Horror fans like to think they can handle anything. Rape, murder, victims being sliced open and strangled with their own intestines; almost nothing will phase the seasoned horror veteran. However, there is one act of violence that will almost always cause viewers to squirm, and that is a castration/penectomy (and there is a difference, which you can look up on the interwebs. I'm not your biology teacher.) There is something about watching a fella lose his manhood that can easily send both genders into twitching fits. And the best part is, when the scene is well done, you will never forget it.
What follows are my ten favorite scenes of wing-wang mutilation. Some you've probably seen, a few you've probably never even heard of, but all of them will inevitably make you cross your legs. Enjoy!
10) The Yellow Bastard (Nick Stahl) loses his twig & berries not once, but TWICE, in Sin City (2005): It’s hard to feel bad for a smelly, child-murdering rapist like the Yellow Bastard in Frank Miller and Robert Rodriguez’s Sin City when his junk gets shot off multiple times by Bruce Willis. Still, good luck not squirming just a little when his Day-Glo bits and pieces explode on impact upon meeting the business end of gun. I think we can all be grateful that Sin City wasn't presented in Smell-o-Vision.
|Hehehehe... smelly, yellow penis.|
9) Internet predator Jeff (Patrick Wilson) watches helplessly as pixie of doom Hayley (Ellen Page) maybe removes his baby-makers in Hard Candy (2005): At this point in the film, the viewer still isn’t a 100% on whether or not Jeff really is a creeping baby-raping fuckface. Yet, you’re sure enough that there is a sick pleasure in watching Jeff squirm and panic as Hayley performs a little home surgery on Jeff’s meat and two veg. The fact of the matter is most people would support this tactic just to make sure he never hurts another girl again. Whether or not it’s real is irrelevant. The effect is immediate and lasting.
|I don't think that ice is going to make a difference, Ellen.|
8) Mommy Estelle (Cynthia Carr) takes a bite out of crime in The Last House on the Left (1972): After discovering that their daughter and her friend have been brutally tortured and murdered by a group of hippie trash, two parents concoct a plan to seek revenge against the killers. Estelle decides to use her feminine wiles against one of the killers and offers him a little oral sexy time. However, things don’t end so well for the killer or his clam digger, when mommy bites it off and spits it into the woods. I’d say maybe next time he’ll think twice about fucking with someone’s daughter but it doesn’t look like there will be a next time for Not-So-Happy-Pants.
|Well, you had that coming now, didn't you?|
7) Dawn (Jess Wexler) figures out how to control her vagina dentata and uses it to fuck over her skeezy step-brother (and give the dog a treat) in Teeth (2007): It took long enough for someone to make a horror film featuring the old wives tale “the vagina dentata,” (loose women have a set of teeth in their lady bits and those teeth’ll getya! They’ll getya!) It was just a stroke of luck that Teeth turned out to be a badass feminist odyssey about a young woman reclaiming her power and learning to control her super vag. The best part of the movie is when Dawn uses her vagina teeth to de-wang her slimeball stepbrother and then feed his pajama python to his beloved pooch. Long live the lady bits!
|Never stops being funny.|
6) A gang-rapist and his dickory dock part ways in the tub in I Spit On Your Grave (1978): After a brutal gang rape that takes up half of a movie, Jennifer (Camille Keaton) easily convinces Johnny (Eron Tabor), the moron ringleader, to take a bath with her and her machete. At this point she is finally able to take her revenge on him and his weapon of mass destruction. Though the dong damage is mostly implied, after the agony Jennifer endured during the beginning of the film, this castration is easily the most satisfying on the list!
|Hope no one payed a security deposit on that bathroom.|
5) A proud Maori father (Temuera Morrison) avenges his daughter's suicide by taking a broken bottle to her rapist's fishing tackle in Once Were Warriors (1994): Once Were Warriors is a deeply unsettling film about the complex relationships within a New Zealand Maori family. Even if you discount the scenes of domestic violence, you are still left with the attack and rape of the oldest daughter at the hands of a beloved family friend. When her father refuses to acknowledge that she was attacked, she kills herself in the backyard. Distraught over her death, dear old dad is finally forced to admit he fucked up and takes it out on the rapist; specifically by beating him until there is nothing left of him but goo and then destroys his bits with a broken bottle. It is a delicious bit of revenge, even if it comes a little too late.
4) Quentin Tarantino's slimy knobgoblin falls off in Planet Terror (2007): I will admit to a certain amount of personal satisfaction at this particular entry. I have no love for Tarantino and his oeuvre of pilfered cinema. But in Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror, Tarantino plays a mutated soldier who is just about to rape Rose McGowan's Cherry Darling when his gloppy sausage fizzles up and falls off. Despite his panicked attempts to jam it back on and shove the remainder in his pockets, no such luck. Amusement at watching Tarantino be de-manned aside, this particular scene is both satisfying and seriously disgusting.
|No pictures of QT in MY article, so here is Rose McGowan with a|
machine gun leg.
3) A cheating circus knife-thrower has his rumpleforeskin burned off with sulfuric acid by his trapeze artist wife in Santa Sangre (1989): Alejandro Jodorowsky is the master of avant-garde horror/thrillers, and Santa Sangre is perhaps one of his greatest masterpieces. The film tells the hypnotic tale of Fenix, a man who spent his childhood with his parents as part of a circus. To try and explain the intricacies of this movie would be impossible; just watch it. However, the scene in which his mother burns off his father's genitals with acids, and he then retaliates by cutting her arms off and killing himself, will haunt you for years. If it doesn't, maybe you should join the circus as The Magical Human with No Feels!
2) A woman who was abused by her seafaring father takes a straight razor to California hard bodies in The Witch Who Came from the Sea (1976): One of the UK's banned "video nasties," this weird and totally entrancing film has never really garnered the audience it deserves. Witch tells the story of Molly (Millie Perkins), a woman who was sexually abused for years by her sea captain father and in turn, picks up muscle men as an adult and castrates them with a straight razor. More than just a cult revenge film, The Witch Who Came from the Sea is a surprisingly brilliant study of the psychological ramifications of childhood sexual abuse.
|We all know what's going on here.|
1) The severing of a fire hose is an act of love in In the Realm of the Senses (1976): Still banned in its native Japan, Nagisa Oshima's metaphorical tale of power dynamics and anti-militarism features multiple scenes of real sex between its actors; however, it is far from a pornographic movie. It is actually a strangely beautiful tale of the escalating sexual experimentation between a hotel maid and her employer. The film ends with the man dying as a result of autoerotic asphyxiation, after which the woman severs his penis and scrawls their names in blood on his chest with the words, "the two of us forever." Sick? You bet. Romantic? In the most twisted possible way.
|Whatever your sexual proclivities, just ask David Carradine...|
this won't end well.
Prior to 2006, Jackie Earle Haley was best known for his career as a child star, in films like Breaking Away and The Bad News Bears. While Haley left acting for the bulk of his formative years in favor of directing and production, it was his return to acting in Todd Field's devastating suburban "horror of real life" drama, Little Children, that made it clear he was meant to be in front of the camera. As recently-paroled pedophile, Ronnie McGorvey, Haley managed to bring layers to a role that is often portrayed as a one-note villain. But no moment in Little Children is more traumatic than when McGorvey realizes there is only one way to be sure he will never hurt another child again. And that is through an act of self-mutilation so brutal, it probably eclipses anything else on this list in terms of sheer memorability. Because it one thing to be attacked and castrated, but it is quite another to turn the knife on yourself...