A Guest Honey B-Movie Review by Mynxie
Any film introduced by the skeletal, wise-cracking Cryptkeeper is pretty much guaranteed to be a ridiculous romp amongst all things kitsch, sexy and completely unconvincing, and Bordello of Blood is no exception. This genre of sheer campery is one I hold dear to my heart - questionable acting skills, bizarre one-liners, ropey special effects and bouncing breasts shoehorned in at every opportunity are all things which, whilst jarring in other genres, make me somewhat affectionate towards the rough edges and ‘WTF?’ moments in these types of movies.
After ten minutes or so of monster banter between the Cryptkeeper and his cronies, we are taken to the home of try-hard rebel-boy Caleb, who is smoking and attempting to self-pierce his tongue (because that's what all bad boys do in their free time, isn’t it?). He is of course wearing sunglasses indoors, and arguing with his somewhat more ‘wholesome’ sister over the volume of his rawk music. At this point I’m instantly thinking DOUCHEBAG, but also seeing embarrassing similarities between Caleb and several of my ex boyfriends, so I pipe myself down and keep some optimism for the character.
Our bad boy and his bad boy mates congregate in a bar to bet over a game of darts and hurl leery comments at the waitress, until a somewhat badder, slightly insane fella informs them all of a place full of ‘girls who’ll do things there aren’t even names for’. Naturally the gang are intrigued and make their way over to a house which looks suspiciously like Dr. Frank-N-Furter’s castle (and probably is - I hear the same estate has been used for countless horror B-movies over the years). The front for the brothel is a funeral parlour - so in order to reach the girls, Caleb and his bezzie bad boy mate have to get in a coffin and be wheeled through a crematory inferno, before being reassuringly greeted by a plump set of breasts on the other side. The scene they enter seems less brothel-esque and more like a light-hearted orgy, with the girls almost instantly grabbing a boy each and leading them astray - and we soon find out why. THEY’RE VAMPIRES YOU IDIOTS! Of COURSE they are. The girls lead the boys to the bedrooms, get them all horny, then pass them onto their boss-lady Lillith who ‘finishes them off’ - but not in the way they were expecting. I just love the fresh, juicy heart of a little wannabe rebel boy for dinner, don’t you?
Meanwhile, back home, Caleb’s sister has become somewhat worried as to his whereabouts and has hired a private detective to find him, who finds his way to the Bordello to investigate. Upon being seduced by one of the vamps (but making a narrow escape), Lillith discovers that he has a rare blood type which is just delicious, thus making our detective a prime target for biting.
It's exactly what it looks like.
Somewhere along the way (and I’ll admit, I had to watch twice to figure it out as the plot is somewhat flakey) we discover that Caleb’s sister works for a somewhat shifty Christian television preacher, who turns out to be in cahoots with the Bordello as he holds some kind of demon key keeping Lillith under relative control - which subsequently gets smashed during a scuffle, presumably turning her into an Uber-Vamp of sorts. I don’t know, the plot all seems to go to shit around this point in the movie, and I just start enjoying the bitch slapping and cringey puns. At some point a now undead Caleb appears, there's a bit of a chase, some enjoyable light bondage and lesbian innuendo and a mass killing of topless vampires using flamethrowers, culminating in a combined effort to defeat the demon-slut-bitch Lillith.
|You found me beautiful, once.|
If you’d been faithfully following the story, you’d probably have turned it off by now out of frustration due to the fact that it just descends into utter bollocks, but if you’re just in it for the kitsch, then the final fight is pretty juicy, featuring an array of ridiculous weapons and gross, yet out-dated, special effects. Lillith is finally burned to cinders after having her heart ripped out - a favorite method of dispatch during this film.
I firmly believe that movies like this are not designed to be watched seriously, and are slathered with so much irony you couldn’t possibly complain about plot holes or bizarre script moments. So with that in mind, I’d rate Bordello of Blood as a reasonably fun waste of time. There are enough vampire boobies and one-liners to keep your drunk mates chuckling away in the back room during a Hallowe’en house party, and certainly enough camp to keep me watching until the end.
Bordello of Blood is available via iTunes, Amazon Instant Video, YouTube VOD, Google Play, & Shout Factory Special Edition blu-ray