Witch Month: Tamara ~ Which Movie? Not This Movie.

This poster is why I hate early 00s horror.

A Revenge Honey "Witch Month" Review with Linnie

Tamara (2003)

A handful of years ago, even before I was the Revenge Honey, I discovered a film called Tamara while I was working on my graduate study on Lionsgate Studio. The film focused on an outcast witch who is literally tormented to death by her classmates, but then returns from the beyond to seek revenge. By the time the credits rolled, I was so angry that I vowed to never watch director Jeremy Haft's movie again. (Fun fact: Jeremy Haft's other credits are Grizzly Mountain, Surf Girls, Just Dance: Kids 2, Just Dance: Disney Party, and Just Dance: Kids 2. And that's it.)

It's a testament to how much I love you kids that I suffered through this movie a second time, in order to review it for Witch Month. Now, all I ask in return is that YOU never subject yourself to the same kind of torture.

The Story: Tamara is a "plain girl" who is more worried about school than being popular, so obviously, everyone hates her. When she narcs on jocks, who are shrinking their already tiny testicles with steroids, in the school paper, they decide to get revenge on her (conveniently ignoring that those much sought-after “scouts” would have made them do piss tests anyway… but details… GET THE FREAK!). Of course, they play a stunningly cruel prank on Tamara, that results in her death, and rather than call anyone, they bury her in a shallow grave. But Tamara is a witch, yo. And she’s going to come back from the dead (super hot this time) and teach those dicks a lesson.

Right. She's "ugly." 

First off, Tamara is played by Jenna Dewan (now Jenna Dewan Tatum... yes... she is Channing Tatum's wife). Jenna Dewan is only ugly in the way Hollywood thinks women are ugly: just because you put her in baggy clothes and weigh down her hair doesn’t make her ugly. She’s just Jenna Dewan waking up after a night of being an awesome dancer with a perfect body. Further, I’m completely baffled as to how Tamara coming back hot advances her plans for revenge in any way. Is it so she can seduce her married teacher? That doesn’t make her terribly sympathetic. Is it so she can bone her bullies that sport oh-so-sexy mullets? That’s just below her.

Maybe Tamara could have helped its cause if it had bothered to get some of the witchcraft details right. Wicca practitioners would never use voodoo dolls or “love spells.” First of all, that’s an extreme muddling of religions. Second, any witch worth her salt knows that destructive magic like that is more harmful to the caster than the victim. At the very least, the screenwriter could have watched The Craft, a movie that got the details right. What Tamara is engaging in is closer to older paganism, and still, it’s not accurate. The movie is lazy at best, and at worst? A stunningly inept misrepresentation of a peaceful religion.

Half the guys reading this would STILL have sex with her. Don't lie.

Finally, Tamara's revenge plot is just plain disgusting. Rather than focus on the REAL assholes, she first targets the nerd who got sucked in to the situation inadvertently, and then mocks him for attempting suicide in the past and failing. Scenes like this first one, which ends with the AV nerd slicing himself up on camera, seem to have been added just to include unnecessary gore. But hey… it was 2005. So, par for the course I guess. Of course, all of this is followed by Tamara casting a spell on the two jocks that forces them to have sex with each other; because what’s more humiliating than two straight dudes boning, amiright? Finally, she mocks her teacher’s wife for not being able to have a baby, so that’s classy as fuck.

"Shut up, you barren bitch!"
I. Hate. You.

Everything about Tamara reeks of being written by two fratbros, high-fiving each other as they jotted down things they thought were hilarious. But the game is up my friend… they were not. And in the end, our “heroine” is just as much of a shitstain as the people who tormented her.

Revenge Honey Rating: 0 accurate portrayals of a teenaged witch out of 5

I'm not telling you where to find Tamara. I try not to encourage self-destructive behavior.

What is your least favorite revenge film?
Tell Linnie on Twitter: @linnieloowho