The Horror Honeys: The Witches - Grand High Awesomeness

The Witches - Grand High Awesomeness

A Zombie Honey "Witch Month" Wannabe with Bella

“...demonic females with a genocidal hatred for children due to emitting a foul odor that only they can smell.”

I pulled that quote directly from the wikipedia page plot outline of The Witches because 1) it’s hysterical and 2) I might be a witch. Then again - I’m pretty sure if any of you have been around a baby diaper, a depressed teenage girl, or a teen boy - you know about the smell thing. Seriously, kids are gross. But I digress, as per usual.

If you don’t know about, or haven’t seen, The Witches I have to wonder if you’ve been living under a rock since 1990. Because, damn. I love this movie hardcore and, while I didn’t see it in theaters, I did see it immediately upon its release on VHS. Yes, VHS. I’m that old. Shuddup. I’ll turn you into a mouse.

The Witches, based on the Roald Dahl book of the same name, tells the tale of a young American boy (Luke) visiting his grandmother, Helga. Helga tells Luke tales of real witches who hate children. Because that’s not scary for a 9-year-old while in a foreign land. Helga and Luke vacation, with his pet mouse, at a fancy seaside resort - because Europe is riddled with those - where witches from all over the world are gathering for a conference on how to get rid of children. The witches find that the children on holiday will be the perfect test subjects for their new chocolate that turns them into mice. And Luke finds that the witches already kind of look like mice - under their people suits, anyway.

Never mind that jaw line. That nose will stab a bitch.
As you can imagine, awesome 1990’s fantasy action begins. Helga takes ill, leaving the children to fend for themselves. The witches - mostly incompetent - are no match for Luke, his mouse, or his fat friend-turned-mouse, Bruno. And in typical Dahl fashion, there is a relatively happy ending. I fucking love this movie and you should too. That’s not much of a review, I know, because what I really wanted to write about was my desire to be the Grand High Witch.

I had contemplated writing a listicle of my favorite witches - because I do love them so much, even the Wicked Witch of the West who still scares the shit out of me. But I kept coming back to the Grand High Witch, and I thought to myself; self: here is the vehicle to talk about her while letting people know they should watch this movie a million times.

So… go watch The Witches one million times.

And… let’s talk about how badly I want to be the Grand High Witch!

Lookit that fancy butt bow. I WANT IT.
First - She’s godsdamned stunning. Sure under her skin suit she looks like an old ballsack impaled on a scythe - but before that - she’s got a jaw line that will cut a bitch.

Second - She’s a witch. But not just any witch, the Grand High Witch, commanding all of the other witches below her.

Third - Did you see that neckline? COME ON.

Honestly though, after seeing The Witches for the first time, I wanted to be any ol’ witch. They can smell and avoid children from miles away. They have gorgeous violet eyes. They’re bald. This is important, because it means I can be comfortable in the summer and wear whatever wig I want in the winter. SCORE. They have square feet… which shouldn’t mean as much to me as it does, but I need to feel like I’m not the only one. Shuddup.

Also - they have access to great quantities of chocolate. … … … That might be the main reason, really.

If being the Grand High Witch doesn’t appeal to you as much as it does to me, here’s some more general amazingness about The Witches that you should know:

There are some people I wouldn't mind sticking in paintings, and then putting those paintings in an attic.
No. Wait. Different story. Dammit.
  • The opening story about a little girl that goes missing and lives, ages, and dies in a painting is brilliant and chilling, even when you're an adult.
  • I’m pretty sure that Helga is a good witch, even though she may not know it.
  • The creature effects were done by Jim Hensen’s Creature Shop, so they look amazing, duh.
  • The happy ending isn’t immediately happy, so you get the chance to enjoy the fact that some little kids were, indeed, turned into mice.
  • And, though we don’t get to see the Grand High Witch again, in all of her glory, we do get to see Anjelica Huston as Morticia Addams the following year - and that’s just an article for another day.

RATING: ALL THE CHOCOLATE STARS EVER