The Horror Honeys: The Blair Witch Project: I Just Don’t Get It

The Blair Witch Project: I Just Don’t Get It

A Slasher Honey Witch Month Review by Chassity

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

I’m sure if you’re reading this, you’ve probably gotten to know at least a little bit about every Honey by now. In my case, that means you’re probably well aware of how I feel about older horror films. I’m more than willing to admit I have a somewhat unpopular opinion on this topic, and it’s not even my fault. I tend to always fall victim to overhype. There are so many older movies, all wildly popular and some that are even considered classics, that I hemmed and hawed about seeing, and ending up waiting until it was too late. By “too late,” I mean I didn’t see them until I’d already endured years of various people telling me, “Omg you have to see it, it’s so scary/funny/the best thing ever!” And it's a rare movie that can actually live up to that. 

And now that category includes The Blair Witch Project. 

Where do I even start? 

I suspect I don’t need to say much about the plot of this film, because you’d have to be living under a rock to not know the story behind this one, even if you’ve never even so much as laid eyes on a copy. Some pretentious, entitled young people (college students? They look like your average 90s 20-somethings pursuing higher education before the term “hipster” was cool) who decide to go into the woods to shoot a documentary about their (misguided at best) search for the Blair Witch, to obtain proof of existence and dispel some local myths. Perfect. Nothing could possible go wrong, right?

People actually thought this was a real thing.
Oh, 90s.
Oh, wait. Except… absolutely everything. Like losing your map, getting lost, turning on each other…and then discovering only after all that, that you’re in for pure hell because that darn “witch” is real. 

Okay. So that’s that. 

Can you tell that I hated this movie? I really hated it. After struggling to find one redeeming thing about it, for days, the search still came up empty. 

Skipping right past the “recovered footage of true events” angle (massive eye roll here), there’s the glaring fact that there’s not a single person I could latch onto - an essential horror film feature. If this were an actual documentary, that might be fine, but even then you still have to care about the “victims,” or things just get boring. Adding insult to injury, all three characters got more and more annoying with each minute, to the extent that after a point it was difficult to tolerate them. As many snarky jokes as I might make, rooting for all your main characters to be offed is not a good thing. 

So, aside from wanting to pull my own hair out every time these people opened their mouths (especially Heather), The Blair Witch Project was completely underwhelming. And that’s putting it mildly. Even though it's the first modern found-footage film, it’s somehow worse than other found footage because it literally boils down to people wandering in the woods, a supposedly frightening sound every few minutes, and…well, not much else. 

Seriously. The whole film is them whining and wandering around, hearing a weird noise and freaking out, shaky camera shots, then rinse and repeat. 

I kept waiting for the moment when things would really start to happen... I kept thinking the action was just around the corner, that all of what I was seeing was just buildup to something amazing. 
And then it just ended. And I was pretty mad. 
Arts and crafts in the woods! 

I wasted all that time for the movie to all end inconclusively, with nothing happening, and me being disappointed. Blair Witch is possibly the most overrated movie of all the overrated, overhyped movies that have ever been ruined for me. 

I’m still scratching my head trying to figure out what anyone ever saw in this movie. Seriously. Admittedly, I’ve seen worse, but this is the most boring thing I’ve ever seen. Perhaps the problem is just that I waited too long to see it and whatever was supposed to be scary for the very young people of my age group at the time, just went over my head. Because there was not one horrific moment for me. All I wanted was for it to be over. 

I’d love to know what it is I’m not getting. So please, feel free to let me know on Twitter why anyone could find this flick memorable. 

Witch Month Rating: 0 out of 5 disgusting, snotty closeups 

You're gross, can't wait for you to die.