The Horror Honeys: Bella Blitz' Haunted Horrorscopes ~ March 2016

Bella Blitz' Haunted Horrorscopes ~ March 2016

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)
Feeling lonely, fishes? There are plenty of fish in the sea. HA! I’m sorry, that was a cheap shot. The stars are feeling feisty. And you, you’re feeling something entirely different. It’s okay. Embrace your urge to find the perfect partner. Make a list, check it twice, invite some friends over and commiserate. But beware of what drinks and lust can conjure, sometimes it’s nothing more than a horny little devil. 

Aries (March 21 - April 20)
This month, Aries, you may be feeling like the odd sign out. But don’t worry. Find others like yourself and call unto yourselves great power. The power of comfort in numbers. Like-minded peoples to help you seek the love, or the revenge, your weird little hearts are after. But beware of the gift you are given, Aries, the price could be fishy and cost you your sanity three-fold.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Taureans! You fit into one of two categories this month. Lovers of chocolate or unlovers of children. This is not really surprising. And they are not mutually exclusive, you can love chocolate as much as you dislike children. But keep your shenanigans to a minimum cows and cowesses. Stuffing children full of chocolate and then stuffing ovens full of children may not work out the way you think. If you don’t belong to either of these camps know this: one of the two are out to get you. Beware the diabetes, or the annoying pitter-patter of tiny bipeds.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Sometimes you find the one you’re supposed to be with in the stars. Other times you find them at the bottom of a tequila bottle. Knowing you, Gemini, it’s probably a little bit of both. A sip of tequila, a splash of green eyes, a sip of tequila, a splash of dominance, a sip of tequila… You get the idea. Just remember to sip some water in there, or you’ll be hard-pressed to keep the tequila part of your life-partner buried at the bottom of the garden. Beware the tequila. That’s just generally good life advice. You’re welcome.

Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
Dear Cancer, sometimes your discontent is just too much for you to handle on your own. I get it. Find your friends, curse your enemies, dance naked around a fire… but not too close, because does burn. You know what else burns? Lies. This month, maybe keep those to a minimum. Not only will the lies come back to hurt you, it’ll hurt your friends, and your loved ones who tried to protect you - even though you cursed them. Beware lies and fire, two things to steer clear from in the nude. Or something.

Leo (July 24 - August 23)
My dear Lion, rest assured, you are no coward. You have every right to be fearful this month. The weather has been atrocious, politicians are like flying monkeys, the battle between good and evil is truly as heavy as a house. And, let’s not forget that you never can tell who to trust. But, with all of that, you can also rest assured that you’ll find your way back to something comforting and familiar - after you face your fears, of course. But beware tip-toeing through the tulips doesn’t come easily. Or is that poppies? Prancing through the poppies?

Virgo (August 24 - September 23)
Planning an educational trip overseas, Virgins? That sounds like fun. Be sure to check the weather, pack appropriately, and arrive on time. Make friends when and where you can. You might find it difficult to feel like “one of the pack”, but don’t worry, you’ll fit in soon enough. Just don’t ask too many questions. Curiosity killed the cat after all, and probably some other things as well. Beware the need question everything, it can lead to your being pushed out more than being pulled in.

Libra (September 24 - October 23)
Who wants to live forever? You do, don’t you Libra? That’s not usually a bad thing, so the stars tell me. But it can become bad depending on how you intend to achieve this goal. Say it with me, “children are not food”. Some of them are smart and conniving, no one wants to deal with them. Tap in your siblings, or old friends, for help in acquiring other means of longevity. But beware the friends you call for help - make sure they’re actually friends, and not just out to cut your life even shorter.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
This month, Scorpions, your naughty and nice side collide. This isn’t uncommon; however, this month, people are watching. Keep that in mind and give your naughtiness over to the universe, the gods, or what/whoever you believe in. It may not help you in the long haul, but it’ll keep adverse interest off your back for a moment. Beware those who wish to expose you, they’ll label you naughtier than nice… which isn’t really so bad. You do you, Scorpions.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
Sometimes, Sagittarius, it feels like you’re growing up too quickly. You feel surrounded by people from a different time that you don’t understand. This month that feeling is particularly strong with you. But don’t worry - this too shall pass. Just keep going with the flow. You’ll be back to feeling young and modern again in no time. But beware the attention of two people at once, one may be out to harm you, the other out to steal your salt. It’s a weird time.

Capricorn (December 23 - January 20)
This month, Capricorn, stay out of the woods. Stay away from cameras. Maybe just stay by yourself in the safety of your home and away from watching eyes. Camping is overrated and so is being in front of the camera. The stars are very clear about these things things for you. Not just for your own safety, but for everyone’s sanity. If you refuse to listen, beware the bindle, it’s not just for hobos anymore.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Feeling proud this month, Aquarians? Keep it in check. The line between pride and conceit is a thin one, and hard to walk. Should you fail, the stars see dark things in the future for you. Try and keep your family close. Should they begin to slip your grasp, the stars see one way out for you. Embrace your loss. A new family is close at hand. A family of naked dancers and fire wavers, who don’t care about their amount of pride either. If you want nothing to do with that awesomeness, keep your pride in check. However, should you want to come to the dark side, talk to Phillip, scratch him behind the ears, stroke his horns, and join us. But beware pointy sticks… walking through the woods nude can be splintery.