The Horror Honeys: HSM ~ Feast: Sometimes, People Just Suck

HSM ~ Feast: Sometimes, People Just Suck

A Honey Switch Month Monster Honey Review by Chassity

Feast (2005)

Here we are, at the close of January's Honey Switch Month. At last check-in, the count was 2 for 3. I hated one of the creature features I’ve reviewed this month, and thoroughly enjoyed the other two.

The final count? Well….

This week’s selection was another film that I’ve been meaning to get around to for quite some time, and one that I’ve also heard nothing but great things about. Feast is a film written by Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan, and it’s the first major film they wrote. In their pre-Saw franchise days. It’s the thing they have written that I’ve encountered the most positive feedback. However, now that I’ve finally watched it, I’m a little bit baffled as to why that is.

That’s not to say that Feast was necessarily a bad film. Because, it’s kind of not. It’s not poorly written (I can think of plenty much more poorly written films than this one, and for someone who rarely dislikes anything, that’s saying a lot), it’s sufficiently gory and foul (always a good thing in horror), and it really does try to give you characters you can invest in (even if it does ultimately fall short of this).

The Plot: A whole bunch of people find themselves trapped in a bar one night when a man, possibly a military type, comes to warn them about a particularly vile, vicious, and, you guessed it, smart creatures on the loose headed directly towards them.
OMG it's in my hair, isn't it?
I TOLD you not to get it in my hair!
Unfortunately, the warning comes a little too late, as the creatures have already descended upon the bar, completely surrounding the building and forcing everyone to stay inside (not that they’re all that much safer inside than out). Things only get worse when, in trying to defend themselves they kill the baby creature, making the parents that much more adamant to come after them.

The Good: Feast’s opening scenes allow us a few moments with each individual character and explains a little bit about them in a funny, interesting, and just slightly meta way, which is definitely a selling point. It got me into things right away and made me think that I was in for something impressive. I laughed for almost the entire first ten minutes or so.

And then there are the characters. These characters are the perfect balance of walking right up to the line of being generic archetypes, but never getting close enough to step over the line and be just that. They’re not so much what you normally get in a basic “random people stuck in a bad situation” films. And there’s some humor to the scenarios that inevitably occur when someone has to give the motivational speech to get everyone to come together to fight. One guy repeatedly chooses the most hilariously cliché rhetoric and you can tell it’s supposed to be a kind of “wink, wink” at the cheesiness of movie motivational speeches. It’s one of the highlights of the movie. As is the counter scenes of when the heroine has to give her own tough guy version of the same.

Also, Jason Mewes. I was excited that he was in this. Don’t judge me.

The Bad: I’m just going to say it. Killing interesting characters early on and/or killing characters played by actors that are going to be a major draw for the target demographic. It happens here, and just as it always does, it took away some of its appeal. This gimmick is a pet peeve of mine with any horror movie or movie where you know people are going to die.

I, for one reason or another, am not normally one to talk about a film’s camera work, but it’s so crappy here, that I must. At best, it was shaky, and at worst, it was so bad during the action and kill scenes that I literally had no idea what was going on, who was under attack, what other characters were doing, and who died. I had to figure all of that out through a process of elimination when I stopped seeing the character after a particularly blurry scenario. It was worse than a found footage movie.
And speaking of the action/kill scenes, here’s something that makes absolutely no sense and took me right out of the film. Every time that the creatures come in, or try to come in, and they haven’t attacked or eaten anyone yet, the people in the bar leap into action to harm, kill, or get rid of the thing. But when someone is actually under attack, when there’s an actual person being killed, everyone just stands there screaming. No one shoots, no one grabs anything to try to ward off the creature, and no tries to pull the attacked person to safety. They just stand there and watch and freak out. Now, maybe I somehow missed a key point that explains this, but unless I did…um…wtf??

The Ugly: Here’s the big thing. At its core, Feast  completely fails at being entertaining. There’s simply nothing there. It’s just scene after scene of shaky, confusing kill sequences, and awful dialogue. It got to the point that by 40 minutes in, I was ready for it to be over. I spent more time counting down the remaining minutes than I did actually enjoying what was happened. And that’s even worse than a film being bad.

So, I cannot in good conscience recommend this movie.
Final count for Honey Switch Month is 2 for 4. 

Now, this doesn’t mean I haven’t enjoyed Honey Switch Month. It definitely was beneficial in the sense that it gave me a taste of what other horror subgenres have to offer. I’ve always been partial to slasher and supernatural, but this month has been eye opening; I’m curious to see what else the other subgenres have that I’ve been missing out on in writing off monster films, sci fi, and even zombie flicks.

Monster Honey Rating: 2 out of 5 Whiskeys 

Did YOU love Feast
Tell me why on Twitter @ChassMM

No, no. By all means, just stand there.