The Horror Honeys: Honey Switch Month ~ Bigfoot Wars: Just… Don’t Even Bother.

Honey Switch Month ~ Bigfoot Wars: Just… Don’t Even Bother.

A Honey Switch Month Review with Monster Honey Chassity

Bigfoot Wars (2014)

I wasn’t sure I’d even be able to come up with the words to write this week’s review. I had fully planned to take advantage of Honey Switch Month to get a head start on my Horror Honey new year’s resolution to expand my horizons. It seemed like the perfect time to start doing just that. 

It was just an unfortunate coincidence that the first movie in this endeavor was…well…

Brace yourself, because this ain’t gonna be pretty. 

So I’m scrolling through all my DVDs, my Amazon account, my Netflix…everything. And just as I’m starting to get discouraged, I come across a film called Bigfoot Wars. Interesting enough. But guess who almost has top billing? JUDD NELSON.

Sold. Immediately. 

I have never experienced a bigger waste of seventy-five minutes in my entire life. And this is coming from someone who does the whole Black Friday at 3 a.m., standing in long lines, thing. 

Okay. Allow me to try to put together the flimsiest excuse for a plot ever. If there even is a coherent way to do so. 

The film starts with the requisite scenes of sex and a news report on recent murders, centered on the varying beliefs that there is a creature on the loose or that the murders are being committed in relation to a big bad drug crime family. 

And… well, that’s pretty much it. From there any semblance or pretense of a plot is dropped. I’m serous. The rest of the “film," if it even deserves to be called that, is like a bad reenactment one of those crime documentary shows, or some show on Investigation Discovery. Just scene after scene after scene of meaningless, depressing, boring dialogue trying way too hard to be deep and profound and failing miserably, followed by murder scenes that are the furthest thing to scary. 

There is literally nothing else there. This movie has absolutely zero to offer. Each character has little to no personality, and they’re all practically interchangeable. It’s impossible to find anyone to like or even anyone that matters. The acting is not only as bad as you would expect, but about ten times worse. The quality of its production is abysmal. I have actually seen not one, not two, but multiple high school plays better than anything in Bigfoot Wars. I am not even kidding. And I don’t just mean my actual high school. I’m including those crappy YouTube videos taken from a high school cafeteria or the back of an auditorium. Yeah. Even those are better.

This is not from Bigfoot Wars, but wouldn't that be cool?
If you’re reading this, it’s safe to say we’ve been acquainted long enough for you to know I do not dislike things easily. In fact, I’m that person that always tries to look on the bright side, giving everything a fair chance and a second chance, try to find something nice to say or say nothing at all. All that good stuff. 

But in this case, an exception must be made. There is no reason in all the world to ever watch this movie ever. Ever. Not even a single viewing. You will be mad you wasted that time. The only reason to ever even consider watching it is if you’re an insomniac and need a little help. And even then, it’s still not worth it.

See my rating below, and keep in mind that I’m giving this rating to a movie with Judd Nelson starring. That’s usually an automatic two stars right there. I’m kidding. Maybe. But anyway Judd Nelson’s character is a complete tool here. And the idea that any of the others would let him practice medicine on them or their loved ones makes them all, that much more unlikable. 

If for some inexplicable reason you do decide to watch it anyway, then at least reward yourself with a nice treat afterwards if you make it to the end. 

Monster Honey Rating: 0 out of 5 Stars

Bigfoot Wars is available via Amazon Instant Video, Vudu, Google Play, & DVD

Have you suffered the indignity of Bigfoot Wars?
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