The Horror Honeys: SNOW SHARK... Because Sometimes the Holidays Bite.

SNOW SHARK... Because Sometimes the Holidays Bite.

A Monster Honey Holiday Horror Review by Jennica

Snow Shark (2011)

"Oh, the weather outside is frightful. But the fire is so delightful. Since we've no place to go, let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!" Uh... no. Actually, it's another crisp sixty-five-degree sunny day, as least here in Los Angeles. However, palm trees and sunglasses aren't considered very festive during the holiday season. It's cold just about  everywhere else this time of year, so Hollywood studios and even indie filmmakers hop aboard the frosty bandwagon and crank out holiday movies in below freezing temperatures. Just watching those cold classics send a chill down my spine. Although, as a California girl who has only seen snow outside of movies and television a few times, it doesn't seem so terrible. Because at the end of a day at the snow, I get to return to sunshine and rainbows.

In a sad attempt to make an icy holiday movie that may resonate with the west coast, newbie writer/director Sam Qualiana tossed a shark into the cold with Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast (2011). And this is one smelly fish that needs to be tossed back. Seriously, this movie bites.

The Plot: Three biologists on a field research assignment in the dead of winter happen upon a lacerated corpse that could not possibly be the work of any modern-day land animal. When they too are ripped to shreds, the town legend of an ancient snow beast-- a man-eating shark that hunts on land in the winter and hibernates in the spring-- resurfaces. Twelve years later, the beast seems to have reared its ugly dorsal fin yet again as sightings are reported... just before more victims are claimed.

Achoo!
At first glance, the most distracting flaw in Snow Shark-- aside from the CGI predator itself-- is the amateur cinematography, particularly during scenes of dense dialogue. Each time any of the no-name actors open their mouths to drop "wisdom" on the situation at hand, brave viewers can expect to be smothered by extreme close-ups as well as breakeage of the fourth wall adding to the claustrophobia. Making matters worse (yes, that is possible), the poorly written dialogue conbined with the stiffness of the performances make any possibility of these "actors" being human questionable.

Even more bothersome is the cheap audio quality throughout the film with which I've become all too familiar in my years of subjecting myself to bad D-level cinema as if I were imprisoned in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode. The kind of audio quality that gives off an echo with every uttered syllable. The kind that leads mouth breathers to reciting each line of dialogue as an urgent announcement. The kind of awful audio that can only be improved by hitting the mute button on the remote.

Guess what, y'all? I'm bleeding!
Of course, it is impossible to roast this unpolished turd on an open fire without addressing the supposed star of the film, the ancient snow beast itself, which seems to be camera shy as it barely makes an appearance. The concept of the snow shark alone is enough to make eyes roll at the absurdity. A shark that swims in the snow hunting its prey and then goes into hibernation until it's hungry again. But where does it hibernate? Not once is it explained what happens when the snow melts. Does the snow shark flop around in puddles? Does snow shark become land shark? Let's not get any ideas for a sequel.

Dragging the film down even deeper is the illogical mechanics of the shark. Anyone with access to the Discovery Channel can attest to the widely known fact that sharks are slow swimmers. If a mammal lacks speed in liquid, it certainly wouldn't pick up speed in a solid substance. In fact, it is likely that the shark would not get more than a few inches before freezing in place. Another already idiotic creature feature ruined by science.

"Tonight, we drink to forget." As the team of shark hunters clink their drinks and the film FINALLY moves toward something resembling a conclusion, anyone who has injured their eye holes with this film will not be able to consume enough booze to forget. Beyond the lazy performances, lacking cinematography, and painful effects, simple-mindedness and stereotyping ring loud and clear. Minimizing the only female lead to another princess in need of rescuing and assuming that the man-eating beast must be female are ideas that should have been buried in the snow ages ago. Bah humbug!

Trapped in the snow. Low on patience. Surrounded by idiots.
Jennica's rating: 0 Bloody Snowballs out of 5

If you would like a side of dumb with your eggnog this holiday season, Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast is available on Amazon Instant Video.

Have you sunk your teeth into Snow Shark
Let's console each other on Twitter: @PrmQueenFrmMars