The Horror Honeys: HAUNTED HORRORSCOPES ~ December 2015


Dear Horrorscope Readers,

I sincerely apologize for the lack of any star advice in November. You see, the stars packed their bags and took a hike for that month - much like we all should have done. Apparently they forecasted that November would suck a bag of dicks. Why they didn’t tell us that ahead of time, I may never know. But they are back and shiney and eager to share with you your Horrorday forecasts…

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
This month you may be a bit more tuned into the paranormal. This could be a good thing, or a bad thing. Because, sometimes - whether you’re naughty or nice - Santa’s only gift for you is a ghastly gang of murderous ghosts. So, maybe you should be checking your own list twice; your list of ghost hunting gear.

Capricorn (December 23 - January 20)
It’s the holiday season, and while you may be feeling the need to be close to your sisters, you might want to reconsider your decision to actually do so. The holidays are murder and it might be better to avoid that temptation - or at the very least, keep that option out of the hands of others. 

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)
Now is the time for forgiveness. Whether you’re forgiving those that have long since passed or forgiving those that continue to trespass against you… or however that shit goes. It’s good to let go of things, especially that axe - the literal one in your hands. Be forgiving and let someone else chop the firewood this month. 

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)
Dearest fishes of the astrol… please stay away from reindeer this season. If you go poking your fish face outside of your element you could make some mythical beings very upset. And while I know you usually laugh in the face of a mystical upset, this time it could have dire consequences. Namely to the reindeer. Oh, and probably children. BUT THINK ABOUT THE REINDEER! 

Aries (March 21 - April 20)
Get. Your. Flu. Shot. I mean, that’s good star advice for any sign, but really Aries, get yours. Christmas is a bitch and you don’t want to be surrounded by a slew of strangely infected persons. Or trapped in a house waiting out some unknown virus, the only twinkle in your eyes that from the running lights on the roof across the street. We hate those running lights, right? 

Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
If you’re going to be all anti-Christmas this year, go full pagan instead. But try to keep the blood rituals to a minimum. Namely your own blood. Those rarely turn out well and I’d hate to see an actual agent of Christmas come to the party with a penchant for purifying your blood, and everyone else’s. No one wants that.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
December is a good month to quiet that rare part of you that wishes to dress up like Santa. Not that I don’t believe you look good in red velvet and white fur, because I do. However, it is ill advised that you take to the streets ringing bells and calling attention to your jolliness. You’re not the only one with “other-selves”, and these others probably don’t like your hohoho as much as I do. 

Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
Big gifts are fun, for sure, but this year maybe take a pass on any estate gifts - like houses. The secrets that are passed along with them are usually killer. And that could be a problem for you. Instead, ask for some sage and cleansing rituals - or a plane ticket to a new city. It’s never a bad time to start over in a NEW house. 

Leo (July 24 - August 23)
This snowy season it might be a good idea to stay focused on fire. I’m pretty sure the stars are clear on this. Usually they would advise against any kind of pyromancy - we know you Lions - but this year, light up those yule logs and keep that fire burning. It’ll warm the cockles of your heart and deter any deranged fireplace visitors. The stars only have your best interest at heart; clearly. 

Virgo (August 24 - September 23)
Virgins, the stars always seem to have the most specific rules for you. This December it’s going to be very important that you stay out of bright lights; stay very very dry; and never ever eat after midnight. The stars weren’t clear on WHY - I’m just the messenger - but I imagine it’ll help keep you cute and cuddly so you can get all the presents. Or something. Good luck! 

Libra (September 24 - October 23)
We all want to be bigger and better than we are, Libra, and that’s okay. But, this holiday season, we think it’s in your best interest to stay who you are; namely because you may be setting out down a cheerful, murderous path. While this wouldn’t normally garner attention from the stars, it is Christmas time, and they’d rather see you be cheerful and generally strange rather than cheerful and bloodied. Isn’t that nice of them? 

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)

Try new things this holiday season, Scorpions. Being set in your ways has to be boring. Making toys, lighting lights, hanging stockings, those things will all be there for you when you’re done exploring other options. Like making people, lighting fires, and hanging bats. Wait. I think the stars got that one backwards. You do you, Scorpions. Happy Horrordays!