The Horror Honeys: Christmas with Dolly is the BEST Kind of Christmas!

Christmas with Dolly is the BEST Kind of Christmas!

An Alternative Holiday Review with Revenge Honey Linnie

A Smoky Mountain Christmas (1986)

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I think Dolly Parton is the cutest fucking thing in the history of cute fucking things. As a kid, my parents indulged my love of Dolly (even if they DIDN'T take me to Dollywood, for which I will never forgive them), and they let me watch every film the fabulous country diva had ever starred in. That meant Jewmas in our house was welcomed with A Smoky Mountain Christmas, a film that made me believe in the spirit of Christmas, the power of Lee Majors' fabulous mountain man beard, and the stranger danger of apple pie.

So pile in the ol' pickup truck and join me in the Smokeys for an old-fashioned Christmas with Dolly and a band of precocious orphans!

The Story: Lorna Davis (Dolly) is a country singer living in Hollywood who has lost her spirit. It's Christmas, so Lorna decides to head back to her Smoky Mountain home in an attempt to reconnect with her roots. On her way, she runs afoul of a jealous witch, and finds herself sharing her cabin with eight orphans who are hiding from social services. With the help of Mountain Man Dan (Majors), can Lorna overpower the witch's curse and find the love she's been seeking?

When you are a northerner growing up in the south, especially when your parents are adamant about not incorporating any southern culture into your lives (I called my mom "mama" once... it never happened again), Christmas can be a strange time. Personally, for all the things about the American south that I can't stand (fried vegetables, 50s politics... songs about pickup trucks), I loved southern Christmas. It's probably why I am an Atheist Wiccan Jew who loves a holiday that doesn't remotely apply to me. Southern Christmas is about family and food and love and forgetting all of the horrible shit that happened the rest of the year, just so you can, for a few nights, revel in everything good. Directed by Henry Winkler ("Eyyyyyyy!"), Smoky Mountain Christmas is the film manifestation of what it's like to experience a Christmas season in the south.

Only with less witches... Sadly.
If you're a fan of Dolly's music, you get plenty of it here, with a collection of not just Christmas songs, but songs Dolly sings to perk up the orphans and teach them about love and family. Personally, if anyone is going to teach me about being a better person, it damn well better be Dolly Parton. Or Kermit. I feel like he has some decent life lessons to share.

Need an orphan? The cabin comes with eight, pre-installed!
Smoky Mountain Christmas isn't your standard, Rankin Bass holiday special, but it's a fun, sweet, and frankly, kind of creepy way to spend the holidays, outside of your usual boring fare. So check it out this season, and add it to your X-mas rotation!

Revenge Honey Holiday Review: 5 rancid apple pies out of 5

Smoky Mountain Christmas is available via YouTube, so you have no excuse!
Mountain Man Lee Majors says... watch my movie fool.
For the film version of a North Eastern Christmas, I recommend Phillip Borsos' One Magic Christmas (available on Netflix), which makes me cry incessantly, and only becomes more relevant with each passing year. It's kind of depressing, so don't watch it if you're already weeping into your eggnog. But seriously... Harry Dean Stanton.

Do you have a favorite off-beat holiday film?
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