The Horror Honeys: The Night I Was Exposed to... QUEEN CRAB

The Night I Was Exposed to... QUEEN CRAB

A Crabby Monster Honey Review by Jennica

Queen Crab (2015)

Now that the most thrilling month of the year has come and gone, I have blown out the candle in my jack-o-lantern, devoured my last piece of Halloween candy, and wiped away the fake (... or is it?) blood from my mouth. November means hanging up my Do-All-the-Things Honey cape and returning to my scaly role as the #buttstuff loving Monster Honey. And with great rawring comes great responsibility... and, by "responsibility," I mean watching crap so you don't have to. No more spook houses, no more film festivals, and no more theme parks. It's back to injecting my eye holes with sights that cannot be unseen. This week, I gave my eye holes crabs. Better my eyes than anywhere else, I suppose. But Queen Crab (2015) was just as agonizing. 

The Plot: Young Melissa's crabby mother and uber nerdy scientist dad are too wrapped up in their failing marriage and their work to recall that they have a daughter. Thus, Melissa's only companion is a crab that she befriended at the pond near her house. One day, she begins sneaking into her dad's laboratory to steal genetically modified grapes to feed her new friend and the little crustacean grows at an alarmingly exponential rate. Melissa's parents might be too distracted to acknowledge her, but an enormous crab is not easy to ignore. Twenty years later, Melissa-- now all grown up-- is hiding out in a cabin in the woods with her pinchy pal who has also grown up... way up. As animals and Crabbe Creek locals start to disappear, the evidence leads straight to the pond where Melissa first found her beloved Peewee.

"Someone order the crab cakes?"
I'm a longtime fan of giant monster movies (because duh! Monster Honey!), even those which are exceptionally poor quality. Not only does Queen Crab earn her crown as a horribly constructed monster, but it's questionable whether the half-assed special effects are intentional. Certainly no one would make a movie this painfully ridiculous on accident, right? According to behind the scenes interviews, writer/director Brett Piper can be applauded for refusing to use CGI effects and at least attempting to make an organic stop motion monster film like some of the classics. But advising against designing a model crab as a reference for the full-scale creature? That just seems lazy and irresponsible. 

The only thing more despicable than the atrocious excuse for a giant crab were the nauseatingly chauvinistic-- or rather rapey-- male characters. Not even the small town authority figures could be trusted to keep their hands where I could see them in the presence of a lady. And if a woman shoots you directly in the #buttstuff, consider it a fair warning that she's not interested. 

And there isn't a second warning. 
While the menfolk all behaved aggressively in uniform, the female characters slaved away to stuff every known stereotype down my throat. The two female leads, Michelle Simone Miller ("Melissa") and Kathryn Metz ("Jennifer"), played clean-cut country mouse and city mouse. Melissa was the Plain Jane who never left town whereas Jennifer was the girl who ran away to Los Angeles to become a star by any means necessary. Really, the story could have gone on without Jennifer or Melissa. Or any of the two-dimensional characters in which I was supposed to invest my feels. My loyalty lay with the crappy crab.

Do they not have clothes in L.A.?
Perhaps I'm just a little crabby due to my post-Halloween-season blues, but there really was not a single enjoyable aspect of Queen Crab. Overall, the film has no clear sense of direction and it only gets weirder as the story dragged on. There seemed to be some subtle hints of an... uh... intimate relationship brewing between Melissa and her grabby companion. If I had to guess, this film could have originally been monster porn that had just undergone some major revisions.

Regardless, do not watch this movie. It will make your eyeballs hurt before your brain has a chance to process the pain and confusion. 

If you're looking for pain, however, Queen Crab is now available on DVD and VOD. But I would suggest just pinching yourself instead.

Has Queen Crab reigned over your TV screen?