The Horror Honeys: 'Basic Instinct:' The Honking of the Boobs

'Basic Instinct:' The Honking of the Boobs

A Revenge Honey Erotic Thriller November Review with Linnie

Basic Instinct (1992) and Basic Instinct 2 (2006)

Well, if you've ever wondered which film began the slow downward spiral of the erotic thriller, wonder no more. It's Paul Verhoeven's Basic Instinct. Made in 1992 when the AIDs epidemic was thought to effect 8-10 million people and the LGBT community was just truly beginning their slow strides toward acceptance, Basic Instinct was the kind of dumpster fire that you look back on with nothing but shame. Picketed by LGBT groups (rightly) disgusted with screenwriter Joe Eszterhas's depiction of the lesbian community as violent, crazy, and dangerous, watching the film now is about as painful a film experience that I thought was possible.

Until I watched Basic Instinct 2: The Sequel That NEVER Needed to Happen.

Fasten your seat belts, kiddos. There be much boob honking ahead.

The Story: If I have to tell you the plot to Basic Instinct, you shouldn't even be here during Erotic Thriller month. Long story short, this is the offensive Michael Douglas erotic thriller without the bunny boiling but with the gratuitous beaver shot.

And this is the closest you'll get to seeing it here, so move on.
When Basic Instinct came out, LGBT groups picketed the film's release because of its negative portrayal of lesbians/bisexuals. Suffice to say, things that were offensive to the LGBT community in 1992 don't get better with age. I'm actually hesitant to give this movie too much attention, because of how deeply insensitive and epically tone deaf it is. So rather than focus on what made Basic Instinct offensive, let's focus on what made Basic Instinct stupid.

1) The boob honking. I'm guessing this is something Paul Verhoeven thinks women like, so he encouraged his actors to do it in every scene.

No, women TOTALLY love it when you grab their tits like
they just tried to steal your car. Carry on.
Is he forcing her to honk her own boobs?
Oh. She's honking his boobs now. I guess... that's okay?
Well, now I just don't know what is going on.
2) The much-lauded sex scenes are just gross. Maybe it's my distaste for Michael Douglas and his claims that giving women oral leads to tongue cancer, but watching Douglas and his old balls bone anyone just makes me queasy. I'd rather watch Kirk Douglas bone someone. Now. Kirk Douglas is 99-years-old.

3) The ice pick scene looks like shit now. Seriously. I've seen better stabbings on episodes of CSI.

Don't EVEN try to tell me that isn't ridiculous.
People like to claim Stone's Catherine Tramell is an awesome femme fatale, but as we've already seen this month, there are far better devious women in the world of erotic thrillers. Basic Instinct is not a movie that holds up well, and there was zero reason for it to ever spawn a sequel.

So of course, it spawned a sequel.

Who S'IN Control? HA! I GET IT! SIN! YOU'RE
SO FUCKING CLEVER! 
And then, there is goddamned Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction... GAWD that title makes me want to punch babies.

The plot? Why bother. IT’S THE SAME DAMN MOVIE! Substitute London and a psychologist and BOOM! You’re good. At the very least, Sharon Stone should have said, “Hey guys… I’ve made this movie before. Should we try something different?”

 I will never be able to burn this image out of my brain. And I've tried.
With actual fire.
I get that people like David Morrissey, because of The Walking Dead, but sweet god in heaven, he could not have been more miscast. The wooden cockatoo in my living room has more personality than David Morrissey in this movie. The Governor’s zombie daughter on The Walking Dead had more personality than David Morrissey in this movie. Was Sharon Stone doping his coffee every morning so she looked like more of a live wire by comparison? And David Thewlis… what the ACTUAL fuck? Were you afraid that whole Harry Potter thing might not be the hit everyone promised? I would rather watch The Island of Dr. Moreau every year on Christmas for 24 hours than EVER suffer through this cinematic abortion again.

THAT'S NOT HOW YOU SIT IN A CHAIR, SHARON! RUDE!
It doesn’t help that they LITERALLY keep saying the movie’s name over and over again IN the movie. Is this to remind us what we’re watching in case we fall asleep? Or, like me, have to watch it in ten minutes increments over the course of weeks because it’s so goddamned boring and contrived?

This was nothing more than a vanity project to prove to the world that Sharon Stone is still a fuckable commodity. And more power to you, sister friend, you show off the goods all you want. But crafting an entire shitty movie around one woman’s desire to prove she’s still hot isn’t an erotic thriller. It’s porn. And if Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction is meant to be porn, it fails there too. Because I’ve been more turned on by ads for Pillsbury Funfetti Cake Mix.

Sploosh.

Erotic Thriller Rating: 0 dropped panties out of 5 for both.
These movies made me never want to have sex ever again.

Basic Instinct and its stupid sequel are available if you want them. But I'm not enabling you.

I'm not sure I really want to talk about these movies.
Let's talk about this baby pig in a sweater and tiny socks:
ISN'T HE THE CUTEST!?
Confirm he is the cutest on Twitter: @linnieloowho