The Horror Honeys: Slasher Hexmas ~ Beware the 14th, If You Value Your Life

Slasher Hexmas ~ Beware the 14th, If You Value Your Life

A Revenge Honey Slasher Hexmas Duel Review by Linnie

My Bloody Valentine (1981) & (2009)

For all of the flack that remakes get, a true horror remake is actually pretty rare. These are the remakes that take the original film, and do everything exactly the same, while only updating the things that they have to because of the different time period. While I am not totally against reboots or re-imaginings as they were, remakes are what get a solid side-eye every time. George Mihalka's Canadian horror classic My Bloody Valentine is one of my favorite horror films of all time. Patrick Lussier's 2009 remake is one of the worst horror films of all time, and I will finally use this Slasher Hexmas as an excuse to work out my rage toward this terrible, TERRIBLE film.

But first, the awesome original.

The Story: In Valentine Bluff, Nova Scotia, celebrating Valentine's Day is never a good idea. Twenty years earlier, a mining disaster occurred because all of the security team was at a Valentine's Day party, and sole survivor Harry Warden took that personally, killing every one responsible for the accident and warning the town never to celebrate VDay again. However, the young people of Valentine Bluff think the story is silly, and they plan a Valentine's Day party anyway. But Harry Warden isn't so quick to forget, and people start dying. IS it Harry Warden, or someone who hates Valentine's Day just as much?

Seriously. Blech.
The original MBV is memorable for so many reasons, it's borderline ridiculous. First, despite being epically cut just to receive an R-rating instead of its original X (twice), MBV features some of the best death scenes in horror history. It's gory without overkill, and terrifying in every way imaginable. The use of the miner's gear as Harry Warden's costume of choice takes the killer out of the supernatural realm and makes him just realistic enough to be a genuine threat. It's hard to be afraid of Jason or Freddy or Michael after a while, but a man in a miner's mask with a pickaxe chasing you down? That's real and that's horrifying.

Another amazing trait of the original MBV is that the characters are all realistic, small-town, and likable, which is something you rarely see in horror films. Usually, you have the typical horror tropes of the slut, the jock, the virgin, blah blah. But here, everyone is as varied and unusual as, oh, I don't know... real people? There is much about MBV that is distinctly Eastern Canadian, but that is part of its charm, and part of why it stands out as one of the best slasher films in a decade flush with them.

I love that neckerchief.
Claustrophobic, enduringly frightening, and full of grotesque practical effects that hold up well even thirty years later, the re-release of My Bloody Valentine on blu-ray with much of the deleted footage added back is a must own for all horror fans.

Revenge Honey Rating: 5 bleeding hearts out of 5
Industrial dryers... vote no.
And now, the remake, which I've only seen twice: once was for a live tweet two years ago, at which point I swore I would never watch it again as long as I live; and the second time was so I could write this review with the rage fresh. Rather than review it, however, it's easier to just share all of the angry notes I made while watching it.

Get your pickaxe out of my face, you wang.

  • The MBV remake is set in Pennsylvania. In FEBRUARY. But EVERY goddamned tree is green and covered in leaves. HAS ANYONE IN THIS MOVIE BEEN TO PA IN FEBRUARY?

  • This movie is just further proof that NO ONE knows what to do with the stars of Supernatural

For the love of god, someone give this guy a decent movie.

  • The writers of this dumpster fire made the UNFATHOMABLE decision to cast Selene Luna, one of the fiercest people in the world, and kill her immediately and unceremoniously. Little people rarely get cast in horror films, and MBV09 wastes one of the most amazing LPs out there. Shame. On. Them.

Someone. Please. Hire her and then let HER kill Jensen Ackles.

  • Why is the SHERIFF wearing a DEPUTY'S badge? WHO MADE THIS MOVIE?

  • Uses every cheap 3D trick in the book, all of which look fucking ridiculous when you're watching the movie on a regular 2D screen.

  • If you use the phrase, "Do you trust me?" and you aren't Aladdin, you can fuck right off.

  • GORE DOESN'T EQUAL SCARY! It's just... gore. But it's worse when the gore looks stupid.

Did they just stick her head on a leftover Jason body from a F13 movie?

Todd Farmer (Jason X) and Zane Smith (nothing else ever) are not two people created by a Douchebro Name Generator, but in fact, the writers of this travesty. They committed the cardinal sin of watching the original, thinking "HEY! I CAN DO THAT!" and then just re-writing the original script in modern language but flipping the ending so everything wasn't exactly the same. It's lazy, cheesy, and irritating, which is perhaps the most obnoxious thing of all.

Why Megan Boone? Why?
Revenge Honey Rating: 0 bloody hearts and 1 swift pickaxe to the head

My Bloody Valentine (1981) is available via iTunes, Amazon Instant Video, YouTubeVudu, Google Play, & blu-ray/DVD

Do you love the original? Rage against the remake?
Tell me on Twitter: @linnieloowho