The Horror Honeys: Haunted Horrorscopes ~ October 2015

Haunted Horrorscopes ~ October 2015

Libra (September 24 - October 23)
Oh, the weather outside is frightful… you know what else is frightful? Children. And Clowns. You might want to stay away from both of these things this month, Libra. If you are a child or a clown, or even a child-clown, please, stay away from all of us. 

Steer clear of your family this month, too. They may prove a bit more detrimental to your well-being than normal. But this could be advice for any time of year, am I right?

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
It’s a good time for haunting some graveyards, Scorpio. Just remember that others might have this same idea. If you hear of some romps happening that you don’t approve of, maybe consider writing a strongly worded letter to the caretaker; rather than taking business into your own hands.

Should you decide that you need to romp on the grave rompers, be sure not to make any detours along the way. You’re not the only ghoul around who doesn’t play nice. 

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
While it’s safe to say that fall is here, there is still some summer lingering about. A nice time for a trip to a cabin and a dip in the lake, right? WRONG. The stars have something far more sinister in store for you. 

This month, Sagitarrius, stay at home. And remember, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Sometimes the stars are very mother-like. 

Capricorn (December 23 - January 20)
You’ve got some creepy habits, Capricorn. I appreciate that. Be sure to put them to some good use. Handy with a power drill - make some peep holes. Good with a sewing machine - dresses are all the rage this season. Friend to small animals? Keep that one to yourself. 

While I, and the stars, may appreciate your unique talents, you should probably keep them silent this month. Unless there’s a big payout, then go mad.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)
Is Halloween your favorite holiday? Does it replace all other holidays for you? Christmas - give creepy gifts. Thanksgiving - feast with the dead. Valentine’s… Yeah. No one should really celebrate that holiday.

Besides, you and I know the only good candy is on Halloween and people who don’t know that should be maimed. I mean, not that I’m condoning killing in the name of love, but if the stars are rightly aligned for you, Aquarius, who am I to argue?

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)
Family is hard to handle at the best of times, dearest fishes. This month is no different. Bury those feelings of angst and anger towards your loved ones deep down inside. What can it possibly hurt?

Keep your head up, don’t play with matches, and be sure to let the adults use the knives. If you must, confess your sins. I hear you get snacks, and food makes familial hatred die down, yeah?

Aries (March 21 - April 20)
Longing for the relaxing lakeside chill of a summer camp, Aries? You shouldn’t be. It’s the wrong kind of chill - in fact, it’s downright chilly. I bet a lovely bonfire would help with that.

Just beware: it’s no longer summer and caretakers don’t take well to scoundrels scoundreling. In fact, it may be best if you longed for the relaxing chill of anywhere else. 

Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Taurus, your need for attention is going to be the death of… everyone else around you. Try not to be so obsessed with self-promotion and adulation. We see you. And most importantly, clearly, you see you.

Also, try to keep your paranoia in check. Don’t worry about those people following you around. Just pretend they aren’t real and act normally. 

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
There are always two sides to every story and two faces to every Gemini. This month you may want to keep both of your two sides close to the chest. 

Do your best not to revisit places of trauma; not to attend socials; and not to run around naked. You’ll scare the locals.

Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
Are you planning on practicing your black magic this month, Cancer? Or starting a doll collection? Because you should be, both could come in incredibly useful.

If you’re not planning on doing either of these things, you should go to the opposite extreme. Find Jesus and burn every doll you come across. Just to be on the safe side. 

Leo (July 24 - August 23)
Dearest Leo, try not to relive your past over and over again this month. It’s unhealthy; and that torment could present in a most unsavory fashion. 

Speaking of fashion, keep away from head wear; band uniforms, and bell bottoms. 

Virgo (August 24 - September 23)
Sometimes, Virgins, you’ll feel the call to go a little wild. And that’s okay. Just make sure you go a little wild with friends who will keep you far away from boats and the bayou. 

You may not be afraid of the swamps and their horrors, but the stars are afraid for you. Also, stay away from things that are diamond shaped. Diamonds are bad omen for you this month.