The Horror Honeys: Haunted Horrorscopes: September

Haunted Horrorscopes: September

Virgo (August 24 - September 23)
This month, Virgins, Jupiter is not your friend. You may want to avoid family road trips. Definitely avoid the desert. If you happen to become stranded, be wary of other, less suburban, families.

However, if you happen to live in the desert and come across a family a little worse-for-the-wear, by all means, make them dinner. 

Libra (September 24 - October 23)
Your motto this month is: mind your own business. There will be some changes coming your way; a stranger in a strange land, perhaps.

It’s okay to be seduced by this newcomer. But remember, it’s never okay to post images of them to instagram without their consent. Besides, who knows what side is their good side?

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
Scorpions, it’s hard to get away from your killer reputation this month. Be sure to stay in your own territory so as not to raise suspicions.

If you have to stray too far from your own home, be sure to leave yourself clues on how to return. A little blood stained milk drop here and there should do the trick. 

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
It’s okay to be a work-a-holic, but it really shouldn’t ruin your love life. Your true love is out there, but be sure your head isn’t so far buried in the lab that you have to dig through the stink and the muck to find them. 

Capricorn (December 23 - January 20)
It’s all about caffeine this month, Capricorns. You’ll invest in it. You’ll ingest it. You’ll need it to stay alive. You’ll have so much of it you’ll be seeing red and green, and it’s not even Christmas.

If the caffeine isn’t for you, best of luck with your dreams. This month predicts some surreal nightmares headed your way. I recommend a chant to help you get some rest.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)
It’s all business for you this month, Aquarians. You’ve got to stay focused on keeping ahead of the game, lest you get left behind. 

It’s a chilly proposition, being singularly focused, but it’s for the best. It does a heart good to know what it’s worth. A soul, too - if you have one of those.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)
This month poses some unfortunate domestic issues for you fishes. I wouldn’t recommend taking it up with your landlords just yet, though.

Landlords only ever have two places for mouthy tenants: under the stairs or under the ground. Be very careful, fishes. If the landlords don’t get you, the ex-tenants might.

Aries (March 21 - April 20)
Aries, it’s going to be a psychological kinda month for you. What you know as real and imaginary is going to criss-cross and confuse you. Life imitates art imitates life.

Maybe write down what you’re going through - that helps; and coffee, just in case. But beware: the overlapping realities may become menacing. 

Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
It is a fantastic time to learn a little bit about your familial background. Who’s your daddy, is a totally legitimate question to ask. 

It is not the best time to travel via boat or to become involved with someone relatively tall, dark, and mysterious - especially if you live in, or around, Brooklyn.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
This month, twins, you’ll actually work with each other to accomplish things. Those things may be unsavory, but at least they’ll be getting done.

Make sure you have solid plans and are self-aware. This new teamwork will be revitalizing, so stay with each other. If one of you leaves, you can’t come right back.

Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
Family reigns supreme this month - good, bad, and ugly. Mark your calendar for full moons and try to stay off the roads during these times.

If you have to be out and about, be aware of your surroundings and do not approach strange animals. If you do approach strange animals, immediately invest in Mane & Tail - trust me, Fido.

Leo (July 24 - August 23)
You’ll be traveling for work a bit this month, dear Lion. This is both a blessing and a curse. You’ll come very close to feeling like the living dead, but rest assured you are not.

In your travels, beware of drinks from strangers. Or drinks from people who are strange. You never know what herbs they’ll slip you - making you think you’ve lost your head.