The Horror Honeys: Top 5 Horror Movies That Will Make Your Ass Clench

Top 5 Horror Movies That Will Make Your Ass Clench

A Messy Monster Honey Top 5 List by Jennica 

As the Monster Honey, I'm a fan of watching blood and guts fly across my TV screen. I enjoy watching intestines spilling from stomachs like a pile of rattle snakes and hearts being ripped right out of chests like apples being picked from a tree. But because I'm a woman, I'm still expected to grimace at the sight of a bare ass and deny the existence of farts and shit altogether. Well, I can't do that. Sorry-not-sorry.

Toilet humor has been humorous to me since the first time a relative asked me to pull their finger. Just reminiscing about it is making me laugh right now. However, I've also been on the not-so-funny side of the rear end. Growing up, I was plagued by poor  excuses for kidneys and other related health problems (I'm okay now, guys!) so I know that doing your business can be serious business. It can be intensely disgusting, excruciatingly painful, and sometimes fatal.

My appreciation for the humor of 12 year-olds and the real-life horror I've endured involving my own digestive system are only a fraction of what draws me to this somewhat new vein in the horror genre involving the anus. Like the hundreds of horror films that feature phallic symbols, the movies that feature distorted rectums and bowel movements that will haunt your nightmares actually have something to say about society and the human condition. And not all of it stinks.

When the Head Honey picked up on my gravitation toward ass monsters and poop demons, it was suggested-- although, I assume jokingly-- that I should create a list of my top 5 movies that fit the bill. Challenge accepted. Without further ado, I present to you 5 horror movies that will make your ass clench. You might want to take a potty break before reading any further.

1. Society (1989)

Bill Whitney (Billy Warlock) senses that he is not like his family and peers. He watches them mingle with all the town's upper class members of society, and yet he remains a humble outcast. After a little investigative work with the help of his friend Blanchard (Tim Bartell), Bill suspects that his family as well as the uppity community are closer knit than he ever imagined possible. 

Ah, Society. The name says it all without even the slightest warning of the things in this movie that can never be unseen. Although the movie doesn't have anything to do with bowel movements or thunder down under, it has perhaps the most unforgettable ass scene in horror history.

Yep, Dad's talking out of his ass again. 
However, what makes Society just as intelligent as it is humorous is its portrayal of upper class America, especially during the late 1980s. It shows the materialism, vanity, and overall superficiality that might seem perfectly normal to those born gagging on a silver spoon. But to outsiders, the behavior of certain upper class individuals can appear disgusting and not quite human. Living just a few miles from Beverly Hills, I find it almost cathartic to see Society's self-entitled prima donnas mutate into butt-face freaks.  

2. Bad Milo! (2013)

Duncan (Ken Marino) carries a lot of stress on his shoulders... and in his stomach. He works a dead-end job, has a distant father, an oversexed mother, and a wife pressuring him to procreate. His attempts to repress his daily burdens begin to weigh too heavily on his bowels and he needs that sweet release of a good, healthy shit. Or so he thinks it's just a shit. To his astonishment, the surprise in the crapper turns out to be a disturbing-- but sort of cute-- embodiment of his subconcious mind.

Not your average food baby.
While the raunchy humor in Bad Milo! includes endless wordplay and bathroom sound effects that have repeatedly caused me to tear up from laughter overload, it aligns the similarities between stress and constipation in a clever, imaginative way. From the stomach pains to the straining, it's hard to say which problem is more painful to bear. And when all is said and done, relieving stress can feel a lot like another sort of big release. Your mind is lighter and your pants fit better.

3. The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) (2011)

A socially inept man fixated on the controversial horror film The Human Centipede decides to replicate Dr. Heiter's experiment and create his very own poop-guzzling human centipede. But this time the Conga line is much longer.

The ants go marching one, by one. Hurrah! Hurrah!
The basic concept of The Human Centipede II isn't anything new. We already know the ultimate outcome of the movie: more ass-to-mouth. However, what makes the sequel far superior to its predecessor is the details leading up to poor troubled Martin's brutal plan. Dr. Heitner's motive in the first film is never quite clear, but Martin's excess baggage gives him more than enough reason and Dieter Laser's performance as Dr. Heiter feeds him with inspiration. 

Filmed in black and white and with a sometimes striking resemblence to David Lynch's Eraserhead (1977), The Human Centipede II has a much darker tone in comparison to the somewhat laughable first film. And it's perhaps the most intriguing portrait of a copycat killer since Natural Born Killers (1994).

4. The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009) - read Head Honey's review HERE

A mad scientist holds three tourists hostage at his home in Germany in order to construct an ass-to-mouth human centipede for fuck only knows why. Hey, I didn't say he was a sane scientist.

While The Human Centipede was nearly ruined for me by the continuous shit-eating jokes that followed its initial release, it remained somewhat disturbing because I've been the stupid American tourist. About ten years ago, I got lost in England and asked a stranger for assistance, who then invited me into her home. From my own personal experience, I will say that Europeans are a very kind, lovely bunch. But I was still taking a chance on being sewn to someone's asshole. And it could happen anywhere, not just Europe.

This movie also holds my attention because it is an unusual twist on the classic Frankenstein story that would have even Dr. Frankenstein himself grabbing a torch and pitchfork. It shows just how far modern medical procedures have come. We can transform the human body (or, in this case, multiple human bodies) into something hellish just as easily as we can transform it into something beautiful. As Katsuro (or Part A, as he is best known) says, "What an insane world we live in."

Of course, The Human Centipede is also about teamwork. 

5. ABCs of Death (2012)

Although ABCs of Death lacks a consistent theme in the horror genre, among its 26 random and often unsettling shorts are quite a few filled with poop and fart humor. T Is For Toilet, for example, paints an incredibly imaginative picture of a small child's anxiety over  going to the bathroom late at night. And it could easily pass for a Robot Chicken parody.

What is truly refreshing about this particular movie, however, is that it features a significant amount of toilet humor centered around women. Of course, when I say a "significant amount," it still isn't a lot. But if you stop to think about the number of times a woman has blown ass let alone dropped the kids off at the pool on screen, ABCs of Death is kind of a big deal. And maybe I'm childish, but I find it just a little empowering. Men aren't the only ones who can unleash vile ass goblins from Hell while on the can. Sorry, guys, but everybody poops.

Let freedom ring!