The Horror Honeys: Songs By Which to Plot Stabby Revenge

Songs By Which to Plot Stabby Revenge

A Revenge Honey Top Five by Linnie

Truth be told, while I AM the Revenge Honey, for the most part, I tend to be a fairly easy-going gal; that is, until you piss me off. Then, there is a decent chance I will rip your arm off, beat you to death with it, bedazzle the stump, and use it as a plunger. And while it is rare that your average road rage encounter will drive to me to that kind of wrath, it has almost always happened when I have broken up with significant others.

While, like most women, I have some sad songs I listen to when I am in a state of relationship mourning, the majority of my breakup music is of the “I’m going to fucking fuck you up motherfucker!” variety. (And NO. There is no Taylor Swift on this list, because she deserves her own brand of stabby revenge for bogarting the breakup song genre. “Wah Wah. John Mayer broke up with me.” No kidding! You were dating John Mayer, dipshit! But I digress.) What follows are my top five favorite songs to listen to whenever I need to plot a little stabby revenge against an ex who seriously has it coming.

Note: Yes, most of these songs are aimed at the ladies, but with a little imagination, could easily be adapted for any jilted Honey-Loving Lads out there. If you have any songs to add to the list, let me know!

Bubblegum Bitch Marina & the Diamonds

“I’ll chew you up and I’ll spit you out
Cause that’s what young love is all about
So pull me close, and kiss me hard
I’m gonna pop your bubblegum heart”

This is one of those songs that seems super poppy and pointless on the surface but is probably one of the best “fuck you’s” to an ex I’ve ever heard. Not only is the girl in the song embracing her style and image, but she’s wiping her hands of the guy she was dating like he never existed and becoming her own biggest fan.

 (Still) Terminally Ambivalent Over YouThe Real Tuesday Weld

“I never thought I’d meet somebody
Who makes me feel the way you do
So someone tell me why
I find that I’m
Terminally ambivalent over you

I kind of always imagined this song playing over a murder scene in a slasher movie. A jilted lady is taking an axe to her slimy ex-boyfriend, and as the music gets super toe-tappy, the scene moves into slow motion. The axe makes contact with him over and over again and blood splashes all over her, as she laughs maniacally… What? What are you looking at?

DickheadKate Nash

“Why are you being a dickhead for?
You’re just fucking up situations
Think you know everything
You really don’t know nothing
I wish you were more intelligent
So you could see that what you are doing
Is so shitty, to me”

Um… enough said?

I Know Where You SleepEmilie Autumn

“Pontificate, you faded star. Go on and show them who you really are.
You can lie to the papers; you can hide from the press.
You can fake it on stage; crawl from your cage.
I know your tainted flesh; I know your filthy soul
I know each trick you played, whore you laid, dream you stole
Oh my god, I touched you; I can never live it down
I loved you; I can never live it down
I fucked you; I can never live it down
I’m wishing you the best of luck and by the way

If, like me, you’ve ever had the (un)fortunate experience of dating someone famous (either REALLY famous or maybe just famous in your little corner of the globe), you know that most the time, the shine starts to come off the apple prettttttty quickly. Maybe they start morph into some doucheface version of the person you first met, or maybe they were always a doucheface and you just didn’t admit it, but next thing you know, a decade has passed and things aren’t so glamorous. If you are/were in this situation, CONGRATULATIONS! This song is for you. I mean really, tailor-made. For the rest of you, it’s just a great song to scream your lungs out to.

U Should Know BetterRobyn

“I danced with the devil in Kathmandu
I came hummin’ and blastin’ with the boogaloo too
Now I declare most solemnly
The prince of darkness know better than to fuck with me
You should know better than to fuck with me
If you knew better, you would do better
You should know better than to fuck with me”

This is the song for when you’ve reached max capacity of your fury, or what I earlier referred to as the “I’m going to fucking fuck you up motherfucker!” stage of ire. Where Emilie Autumn allows you to stew in your boiling rage, Robyn will help you channel that anger into productive plotting of stabby revenge. So blast this song at 11, and start scheming, because someone has a little payback coming their way!

Bonus Song!

Bulletproof – La Roux

“Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun; don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
I won't let you in again
This time baby,
I'll be, bulletproof
I won't let you turn around
And tell me now I'm much too proud
To walk away from something when it's dead
Tick, tick, tick, tick on the watch
And life's too short for me to stop
Oh, baby, your time is running out”

After you’ve walked away from your toxic relationship or ex-significant other (or the crime scene), this is the perfect song to blast as you saunter into the sunset, fist in the air, Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club style.