The Horror Honeys: MOWOW ~ Witch, Witch, You're a Bitch!

MOWOW ~ Witch, Witch, You're a Bitch!

A Movie of the Week of the Week with Revenge Honey Linnie

Salem Falls (2011)

If I were standing in front of a ticket kiosk at the movie theater, and saw the words "Nancy Grace's" or "Jodi Picoult's" before a film, I'd laugh until I peed my pants and they asked me to leave the lobby area. But when it comes to Lifetime movies bearing the same moniker, I'm like a moth to the fucking flame. And since the time had come to add a Lifetime film to our MOWOW series, what better place to start than Lifetime's Jodi Picoult's Salem Falls.

In fact, we're going to be referring to it just like that for the rest of the review: Lifetime's Jodi Picoult's Salem Falls.

The "Perfect for Lifetime but Edited for Soccer Moms" Story: Jack McBradden (James Van Der Beek) has just gotten out of jail after a stint in prison for a crime he didn't commit: sexually assaulting a young girl at the private school where he taught. A car accident lands him in Salem Falls, NH, where he hopes for a new start with cafe owner, Addie. But unbeknownst to Jack, a local teen witch has become obsessed with him, and she will do anything to make him hers.

Will the witches be portrayed with sensitivity? Will the movie be anything like the novel? Will James Van Der Beek EVER stop with the Dawson face?

And now, a quick word from our sponsor!

Dabbling in witchcraft... Works out so well for everyone!
Lifetime's Jodi Picoult's Salem Falls is drawn with all the subtle brushstrokes of a painting elephant. But, remarkably, it's still less eye-rolling than Picoult's book. The Wiccan religion is portrayed in a fairly accurate light; the only thing that is ridiculous is the way in which the dumbass teens try to use it for their own selfish gains. Unlike in the book, there aren't five clear-cut, mustache-twirling villains... there is only one and again, unlike in the book, he gets what is coming to him. Lifetime's Jodi Picoult's Salem Falls is better than Jodi Picoult's Salem Falls, which is quite a shock.

I checked. No creeks in this town! I'M SOLD!
Improving on the source material isn't usually a compliment you can throw at Lifetime, so good on them for that. Then again, my dog pooping on Jodi Picoult's books tends to improve on the source material (sorry not sorry), so maybe that isn't saying much. However, as Lifetime MOWs go, Lifetime's Jodi Picoult's Salem Falls is cheesy as hell, by-the-book as crap, and entertaining in spite of itself. When it comes to Lifetime movies, you could do a lot worse than Lifetime's Jodi Picoult's Salem Falls.

Revenge Honey Rating: 3 Beeks from the Creek out of 5

Lifetime's Jodi Picoult's Salem Falls is currently streaming on Netflix!

Do YOU have a MOW you'd like to see featured as a MOWOW?
Let me know on Twitter: @linnieloowho