The Horror Honeys: Insert "Worse Than Gone Girl Pun" Here.

Insert "Worse Than Gone Girl Pun" Here.

Whoever made this poster should be shot in the face.
A Disappointment Double Feature Review with Revenge Honey Linnie

Return to Sender (2015)

In the second movie in today's Gillian Flynn-themed "Disappointment Double Feature," we have Fouad Mikati's Return to Sender, a movie so tone deaf, so offensive, so inherently idiotic, I feel like a dumber person for having watched it. So I beg of you, read this review, and let that be the last you ever think about this unfortunate blip in the otherwise stellar career of Rosamund Pike.

The "Plot": Miranda Wells (Pike) is a nurse in small town who's life revolves around her dad (Nick Nolte) and her job. When Miranda mistakenly invites a violent rapist (Shiloh Fernandez) into her home and he attacks/brutalizes her, she has a difficult time regaining control of her life. So she decides the way to do that is to visit her rapist in jail every week and get to know him, for a nonspecific amount of time. Are her intentions nefarious? Is she simply off her rocker? Does this movie have any intention of answering any these questions?

The answer is "sort of" and that's partially why Return to Sender is already in the horse race for worst movie I've seen this year. SPOILERS AHEAD... Because I'm trying to save you the trouble of seeing this dumpster fire.

No, he TOTALLY looks like a guy someone would set you up on a date with.
Invite him in. Give him some lemonade. Throw in a house key.
Return to Sender is one of those movies that seems like it was probably meant for Lifetime, yet someone behind the script had a friend in the industry that snuck it through to a studio, and thus, here we are. However, none of that explains WHY Rosamund Pike, or Nick Nolte for that matter, would ever agree to star in a piece of trash like this. I HAVE to believe Pike made this movie before Gone Girl, before she had an Oscar nomination under belt, because otherwise I'm afraid for her.

"What? Sorry. I was just daydreaming about the days when I won't have
to star in bullshit like this to pay my bills."
The ways in which Return to Sender manages to offend rape survivors are leaps and bounds above anything I've seen in recent memory. Even with the benefit of knowing that the movie built to a typical rape/revenge ending, that doesn't change how idiotic everything leading up to the last ten minutes was. The bulk of the film is spent watching Miranda go to jail and flirt with her rapist, flash him side boob, and pretend to be his best friend. If the goal was to keep the audience in suspense, the only result of the chosen means of doing so was that I was disgusted with Miranda for 2/3 of the movie. When most women would give anything to see their rapist go to jail, Miranda's action contribute to her's getting released. I don't give two shits that she had her own little revenge plan in place. By the time it GOT to that point, I was already repulsed with the film.

I've never cared about you before. We have beef now, brother.
It doesn't help that I could pick out holes in every single step of Miranda's epically incompetent revenge plan. Let's go through them one by one, shall we?

1) William, her rapist, was paroled. When he stops reporting to his parole officer, his disappearance will be noted.

2) Miranda had William at her damn house for TWO days prior to her actual revenge, rebuilding her porch. People saw him there, including her own father.

3) Miranda wrote to William regularly while he was still in prison. All correspondence between prisoners and the outside is opened and read by guards. There will be a paper trail of the fact that she was talking to him.

4) Miranda basically built a small hospital in her basement to enact her revenge. Every piece of equipment in a hospital is carefully accounted for. She would not be able to just TAKE IV stands, bags of saline, scalpels, etc. from her hospital without anyone noticing. IV STANDS! What did she do? Sneak it out in Mary Poppins purse?

5) Miranda told EVERYONE she worked with that she was staying in her house, alone, during her week long vacation. Congratulations on screwing yourself out of a viable alibi, dumbass.

Camryn Manheim: available on short notice to appear in any film &
be the butt of fat jokes and/or eat cake. Or both.
Maybe, MAYBE if the revenge portion of the film had been remotely satisfying, I could have overlooked some of this movie's disastrous faults. But no, we get precisely ten minutes of Miranda conducting some sort of haphazard surgery on William, one shot of disembodied rubber hand falling on the floor, and ZERO idea what actually happened to him. So in the end, she actually spends MORE time flirting with her rapist than she does getting any sort of retribution on him. I'm not saying I needed a 45-minute torture scene, but perhaps if less time had been spent making Miranda look like a foolish sap, I wouldn't feel like the film's creators had such negative intentions. The fact that a woman was involved in writing it is absolutely shocking to me.

Nick Nolte was the best thing about this movie. I am not exaggerating
If I do anything this year, outside of stopping you good people from seeing Dawn Patrol, I hope it's preventing you from seeing Return to Sender. No one deserves to be this miserable. No one.

Revenge Honey Rating: 0 Poorly-Thought Out Revenge Plots out of 5

As previously mentioned, no one should suffer the same fate as I. So I'm not telling you where or when this movie is available. Go forth and watch Gone Girl again.

Has an actor YOU love made a horrible movie mistake?
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