The Horror Honeys: HAUNTED HORRORSCOPES ~ August 2015


Leo (July 24 - August 23)
There is a lot of attention on you, dear Leo. This is an important period for self-development. Namely, splicing those gill genes with your own genes for ease of oceanic escape. While you’re certainly called to action and in the spotlight, it’s also important to take some time to reflect, withdrawl, reconsider, and review things. Also don’t forget to soak, swim, dive, and practice deep-breathing exercises. Refining, and possibly redefining, your personality and image may be in order. Are you a mermaid? Are you a merman? Are you part shark? SERIOUSLY - are you part shark? I’ll need to know if we can remain friends. Be aware that you may at times come across aggressively (shark-like?). Watch out for overly impulsive behavior around the 15th. You don’t want to rush the gene-splicing, but you do want to stay cool. Water is best for that, but staying safe is best for you my fishy-friend. Reach out to family for support, especially when practicing holding your breathe for long periods of time. Don’t test your splicing techniques on them though. Some may consider gills unfashionable. They would be wrong, but still. Get plenty of rest and stay as cool as you can while it is hot as balls - you’ll need your energy to continue your work. There may be people returning to your life, either in the flesh or strongly in the mind - don’t worry, you’ll forget them within 3-days. The memory of a goldfish is a drawback to gill-splicing. But you’ll be cool and shimmery as the rest of us sweat to death on land. So that’s something you have going for you. Good luck, flipper.

Virgo (August 24 - September 23)
Predictions foretell a changeover from career issues to domestic concerns as the planets are shifting from the northern hemisphere to the southern sector. Which means things are going to get steamy, because it’s hot as balls.

Things are favorable this month for the Virgins. You will spend money on personal luxuries, like air-conditioning and deep-freezes. To aid with those “domestic” concerns.

Libra (September 24 - October 23)
The personal will and independence for the Librans will dominate over social skills and adaptability to people, this month.

You can decide on your course in life, but would prefer that other people kept at a distance. This works out well for you - as they are hot and sweaty - and your stalker smells funny in the hot as balls heat. 

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
This month predicts that career issues will dominate. This works out well for you, because it is sweltering outside and you would do better inside. 

You have to balance your independence with collaboration from others. Be flexible and listen and you succeed sometimes. The times that you don’t succeed, destroy those others, and use their limbs to make fans. Because it’s hot as balls outside.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
You need not depend on the grace of other people, Sagittarius, you can be rigid and deal with tough situations by yourself. For example, your psychological issues; more pronounced by the balls hot heat.

It’s time you take your own decisions and direct the path of your life. Preferably directed to the nearest ice cream parlor. Unless of course deep freezes remind you of something untoward. 

Capricorn (December 23 - January 20)
Planetary positions in your birth chart will influence your career and professional matters to a great extent. To an even greater extent, your position to the hot as balls sun will influence your ability to function in any position.

A lot of effort, flexibility, and interaction with people may seem necessary to attain your goals in life, but maybe it’s time for a killing-hiatus. It’s hot, Capricorn, you don’t need that exertion right now.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)
August predicts that you will not succeed this month.

If you follow your independent path. That part is kinda important, huh? You have to adapt to others and their ways if you want to succeed in life. This is carte blanche to start up your stalking practice again. Be sure to focus on upper management, in big buildings, with a budget for a good cooling system. It’s hot as balls, you don’t want to get stinky and give away your position.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)
You will attain your goals by being diligent and confident.  Your goal? To keep cool in the oppressive heat. 

How do you do this? You pretend to be a fish, that’s your sign after all, and you swim wherever you can. People complaining about your presence? Drown them. Everyone deserves to be cooler than balls.

Aries (March 21 - April 20)
This month you should concentrate on achieving your major goals rather than thinking about people and relationships.

This is good advice, if I do say so myself, too many people just make it hotter than balls. And who needs that? Your cellar probably isn’t big enough for EVERYONE who gets in the way of a cool breeze. Just keep to yourself this month, Aries. You’ll be just fine. Maybe think about expanding your domicile...for next summer’s spree.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Domestic and spiritual matters are dominant this month, Taurus. August is one of the most delightful periods and it is time to enjoy the fruits of your previous hard work. 

You can indulge in your favorite hobbies to give an expression to your originality all the while enjoying the actual fruit from your laborious garden. Your fertilizer may not be typical, but just tuck in those fingers and toes; sit back and enjoy some well earned lemonade. It’s hot as balls, but you made lemons out of people!

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Home and emotional issues will be the priority for the twins this month. This is due to the fact that it is hot as balls and you can’t keep your head straight between the two of you. 

The month, Gemini, try and be flexible - both of you. Avoid conflicts with others by staying indoors. In fact, you should probably always stay inside. Your emotional stability is usually pretty questionable - even without damning heat waves.

Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
This month is all about your spiritual matters, Cancer. Do you worship the sun gods? If so, I’d like to have a word with you. Who do you have to sacrifice for a little less ball-hottness? Find them, and sacrifice them.

I understand that the planetary movements are not helpful right now, and may actually reduce your effectiveness, but think twice before refusing to help a Honey out. It’s hot. You can pray any time. Unless we get to you first.