The Horror Honeys: The Gallows: Cheer up, Charlie...

The Gallows: Cheer up, Charlie...

An "I Watch These Things So You Don't Have To" Review by Lisa

The Gallows (2015)

So many thoughts went through this scattered brain while watching The Gallows and that is why we are going to approach this review a bit differently. Since making lists is, apparently, the cool thing to do on the interweb these days, I shall share a list of the many genius things that crossed my mind while watching this found footage thriller. In no particular order. Oh, and SPOILER ALERT for those of you who have not seen any advertising for this movie. At all.

Because then we get a Willy Wonka song stuck in our heads...

  • I suppose its nice to see that the world still runs as usual in the world of High School. Drama kids are geeks and jocks are neanderthals. Except for the one cute one that wants to be in the play.
  • Is this a real play? The Gallows sets everyone up for heartache all the way around just from the title. Hmmmm… I still need to watch the latest episode of Hannibal.
  • The token annoying drama girl is awfully pretty to be receiving so much teasing from the cool kids."
  • This kid holding the camera is pretty annoying and Im not a teenage boy so this humorof his isnt working for me.
  • Um, am I the only one who saw our current character, Reese, in the 1993 photo of The Gallows cast? With the noose conveniently hanging in front of his face?! HELLO! Is anyone in this theatre awake?
  • Sure, sure a school wouldnt care that one of the doors is never locked and all of the students know about it.
  • Hey, who is that weird lady in the audience watching every rehearsal? She sits in the same seat everyday and never talks to anyone. Im sure she has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Nope. No way.
  • What kind of school board allows one drama geek to resurrect an infamous play from 20 years ago where a student died?
    No comment.
  • No one has stolen the hangmans mask from the wardrobe department? Its still just sitting in the box full of hats? Apparently, there has never been one single morbid kid attending this school. If I had gone to this school and saw that mask, I would have stolen it in a hot second. Also, the burlap bag mask in The Strangers is loads scarier than that thing.
  • That girls teeth are really, really straight.
  • So, the father of the former football player isnt comfortable with him being in The Gallows? Im sure thats neither here nor there. 
  • I really hate this kid behind the camera. Ryan, youre not that funny.
  • All of the doors in the school are locked now? Even the broken one? Never saw that coming.
  • Wait. This ghost is clever enough to cut the landlines AND disrupt cell service? Well, he really keeps up with technology.
  • Is this really a thing? All kids videotape every single thing they do? I guess its a good thing, otherwise we wouldnt have so many awesome found footage films.
  • Riiiiight... Pfeifer, the drama nerd, just happened to be driving by the school late at night, saw Reeses car and decided to talk to him. Sure. O.K.
  • Oh geez. I wonder who put that noose back up on the gallows. 
  • I feel like Im watching Ghost Adventures. I kind of miss my Friday nights spent with Zak Bagans. 
Tee Hee. He's wearing knickers. 
  • This school has a large amount of strange, creepy hallways.
  • Cassidys highlights are really nice.
  • How is Pfeifer leading the way in pitch black darkness? I mean, I know Ryan is at the back with the camera, but there is barely any light in front of her.
  • All of these locked doors and barred windows sure do seem like a fire hazard.
  • Well, thank goodness the random TV in the way, way back room at the end of a creepy hallway replayed the news footage telling about the unfortunate death of Charlie back in 1993. Oh, hey! Reese finally realized that hes in the 1993 picture. Oh. Whoopsies. Thats really his dad. Whatev. Thats totes a picture of Reese and youre trying to tell me its his dad 20 years ago? Well, dad sure didnt age very well. 
  • All of this night footage lighting reminds me of Grave Encounters. God, I hate that movie.
  • The battery on this camera is amazing.
  • As are the batteries on these cell phones.
  • YES! I always loved when Zak would taunt the spirits on Ghost Adventures. You get on with your bad self Ryan. Hahahahahaha, of course you were pushed off of that ladder after taunting the ghost that is clearly pissed off. 
  • Oh, Reese honey, dont climb on top of that trash can on top of the table. Youll fall.
  • For the love of Xenu, I really wish that they hadnt shown this awesome scene in its entirety in the trailers. This would have been really cool and effective if I hadnt seen it 20 times already. This is almost as disappointing as the hands clapping in The Conjuring. Almost.

  • Yeah, that makeup isnt great.
  • Reese is a very handsome young man. Too bad hes going to have to die after that lame phone call. I guess the cell service works for his phone that is now magically locked in a random locker.
  • Yall just NOW thought to pull the fire alarm?
  • I dont know. Charlie isnt really the kind of name that sounds scary. Cheer up Charlie…” Yeah, I love Willy Wonka. I should watch that when I get home.
  • I havent watched Stagefright in a while. I really do love that homicidal owl. 
  • I think my audible giggling is bothering the people around me.
  • I thought this movie was only 81 minutes.
  • This wine isnt helping.
  • Uh, duh! Of course you have to act out the scene and then die. Christ on a cracker, could this have taken any longer to unfold?
  • Oooohhhh……really stupendous camera work there with the ghost of Charlie. Im shaking in my boots.
  • Pfeifer is taking a bow with Charlie? Totally didnt see that coming. (Yes, I did.)
  • Wait. Its not over yet?
  • Do not kick the people in front of you who just gasped, Its the girlfriend!Clearly, they werent paying very much attention to this movie that they overpaid for.
  • And cue the scene of the two people behind all of this looking like Children of the Corn.
  • How did the cops know what house to go to?
  • This house is filthy.
  • Ugh. This is kind of like the jump scareat the end of Sinister. The only thing I dont like about that movie.
  • I think I hate that mask.

I haven't watched Django Unchained in a while...
In all fairness, I was legitimately looking forward to seeing this movie. I first saw the teaser trailer ahead of Unfriended and it seemed like it could be really cool. I actively avoided all of the excessive advertising as much as I could and entered the theater with complete optimism. Despite my random thoughts, I didnt hate this movie. No, if anything, I hate that it was over promoted and that took away from its small, indie movie feel. If The Gallows had been a screener sent to me that I knew very little about, I would have had a much more enjoyable time. I sincerely miss the days when advertising for movies didnt give so much away. 

We need more burlesque and less full nude girls when it comes to movie trailers. Please. 

Have YOU seen The Gallows?