The Horror Honeys: SHARK WEEK Review: "'Let's go out there and kick this shark's ass!"

SHARK WEEK Review: "'Let's go out there and kick this shark's ass!"

A Monster Honey Shark Week Review by Jennica

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark (2014)

As this year's Shark Week comes to a close, we have ranted, raved, and roared-- but most of all celebrated-- some of the best as well as some of the so-bad-they're-good sharksploitation films. But just like Shark Week, all good things must come to an end and it is inevitable to run into at least a few flops in the fish market that stink worse than a bloody chum bucket. When in the mood for horribly bad B-movie monsters, it's no question that the most promising outlet is the SyFy Channel. While the SyFy Channel tosses the occasional mildy entertaining mindfuck our way such as the Sharknado films, more often than not we are subjected to the torture of a dull story and apathetic actors forced into uninteresting roles to make a buck. More often than not, we get movies like Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark (2014). 

The Plot: The third film in what is now a four-film series, a furiously horny megalodon shark breaks free from an iceberg off the coast of Egypt of all places, and it is hellbent on swimming toward the land down under to wipe out the human race if it doesn’t find some hot tail. In an attempt to defeat this Mega Shark, the U.S. government designs a mechanical replica of the shark that is operated by an artificial intelligence with the voice of a Dalek. Mega Shark and Mecha Shark butt heads for a while until a glitch in Mecha Shark's pilot software causes the hopeful robo-hero to turn on its creators and Australian civilians. Now, it's time for plan B... whatever that is.

Somebody find this handsome fella a date!
Like most films nestled within the cesspool of the SyFy channel, Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark completely ignores the science-based part of the science fiction. Excuse me while I throw on my super nerd cape for a moment. The first science fail comes from the speed at which Mega Shark travels. Anyone who has ever watched the Discovery Channel or visited a shark aquarium is aware of the fact that sharks swim at an incredibly slow pace (approximately 1.5 miles per hour, to be exact). And yet somehow Mega Shark, the largest shark to have ever existed, is able to high-tail it all the way to Australia from freaking Egypt. 

The second what-the-fuck moment in science comes from Mega Shark's mind-boggling ability to emerge from the ocean and into the sky, reaching the same altitude as an airplane with a now very confused pilot. Of course, Mecha Shark can launch itself into the sky. Because it's a man-made piece of military weaponry and because 'Murica. But if my knowledge of evolution and anatomy serves me correctly, the megalodon could not fly the friedly skies let alone survive without water long enough to make the trip up there. Also, gravity. Somewhere Isaac Newton is rolling around in his grave.

When it comes to bad sharksploitation, I'm willing to be flexible and quite forgiving. But Mega Shark isn't said to be some kind of mutated beast cooked up in a laboratory; it's just your standard megalodon. So, it can race from continent to continent and reach for the clouds because...?  

FREE HUGS!
If Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark deserves any merit at all—which it really doesn’t— it is likely one of the few SyFy Channel films to contain strong female leads. Without a single ditzy damsel in distress in sight, this fishy franchise portrays the two leading ladies as fearless heroines who call the shots and take action while the Navy’s seamen hide behind their desks as they wait for the big, bad shark to go away. It is a woman who decides to steer the mechanical shark into battle against the megalodon and it is the same woman who decides to enter the belly of the mechanical shark in an attempt to fix the software glitch before it destroys the nation. 

I have a sick addiction to sharksploitation, both good and painfully bad, and Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark is by far one of the worst I’ve seen thus far. However, as I’m sure I have mentioned before, I’m also a masochist and I wear my bad B-movie survival abilities like a badge of honor. So, would I watch this abomination again? Sure, lay it on me! But would I watch it again voluntarily? Not a chance.

Can I go watch cartoons now?
Jennica’s Rating: 1 Furiously Horny Shark out of 5

If you too suffer from a sharksploitation addiction and need a quick fix, Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark is available on Netflix, iTunes, and Amazon Instant Video

Have you felt the wrath of Mega Shark’s libido?  Share your thoughts with me on Twitter: @PrmQueenFrmMars