The Horror Honeys: How NOT to Be an Asshole at the Movies...

How NOT to Be an Asshole at the Movies...

A Revenge Honey Rant on Movie-going by Linnie

Fact: with the price of theater tickets ever on the rise, and the threat of robot monsters preventing people from leaving their homes (just me?), going to the movies has become an almost religious experience for some of us. We scrape together our pennies to spend a few hours in the theater, basking in the glory of a film that we hope will be as amazing as we've built it up to be. But then... an 8-year-old kid starts chewing with their mouth open and asking five questions a minute. A row of tweens in the back row giggle every time there is a "kissing scene," and throw things at the screen. And the grown-ass man behind you WON'T STOP KICKING THE BACK OF YOUR GODDAMNED SEAT!

Why is it so hard for people to act like decent human beings at the movies? How can we improve as a species before the movie gods smite us, as we deserve? It may not be much, but the following suggestions for movie theater etiquette might be a step in the right direction...

Keep your popcorn hole shut ~ If I wanted commentary during a movie, I'd wait for the blu-ray to come out and THEN listen to the director's thoughts on the film. There is ZERO chance anyone in the theater gives a flip what Johnny Loudmouth in the back row has to say about The Avengers. If you can't be quiet for an hour and a half long movie, invest in a muzzle. Because the alternative is I start carrying needles and thread in my handbag and you will NOT like my stitching style if you've just been distracting me from Robert Downey Jr.'s magnificent mug.

If you take out your phone FOR ANY REASON, you deserve to lose an arm. No questions asked ~ Are we as a culture so incapable of being disconnected from our electronics that we can't turn our phones off for two goddamned hours? Alamo Drafthouse has the right idea: if you get caught with a phone out during the film, you are unceremoniously kicked the fuck out. Frankly, I'd be less offended if a guy took his dick out during a movie. At least his dick isn't glowing and drawing my attention from the screen (presumably). Turn. Off. The phone. Or you don't deserve to keep your arm.

Save all questions until the end of the movie. The 1pm matinee at a megaplex isn't a Q&A with the director ~ Let's keep this simple. If your grandmother is deaf and can't hear the movie? Don't go to the movies. If your kid is too young to understand the movie? Don't go to the movies. If you're the kind of mother that asks 1000 annoying questions during the movies as is your motherly duty? Don't go to the movies. Refer back to Keep your popcorn hole shut. There is no talking during the movie and this applies just as much to incessant question asking. Be prepared for one punch to the mouth for every future question you ask in the theater.

The movie theater is NOT a babysitter. Leave. Your. Children. HOME. ~ Recently, a movie theater was forced to issue almost 50 refunds when two teenage girls went running into random theaters and caused disturbances for shits and giggles. Yes, these girls were assholes. But why were they there at all? Because their parents dumped them at the movie theater, assuming a bunch of minimum wage ushers and candy shills would do their job for them. MOVIE THEATERS ARE NOT BABYSITTERS! Should you bring your infant to an action film where they justifiably scream in terror every time something explodes? Should you bring you sick four-year-old to the 10:30pm showing of a blood-soaked horror film so they can cry when they randomly wake up to a head being severed? NO, YOU SHOULDN'T, BECAUSE MOVIE THEATERS ARE NOT BABYSITTERS! If you can't get a babysitter, do the rest of the movie-going audience a favor and stay the hell home.

Further, if you can't control your children at home, what makes you think they're going to be any better behaved in public when you're NOT muttering empty threats to take away their GamePodBoys? I firmly believe Child Catchers should be a thing, and all unattended children should be snatched up and sent to a farm to dig up onions.

UPDATED on 6/30/15: After attending a 7pm screening of Jurassic World, in which I sat next to a mother and her two-year-old son, who kept pointing at the screen and yelling, "DINOSAURUS! DINOSAURUS!," for over two hours... I feel this point needs to be reiterated. If your kid isn't capable of sitting still and shutting their damn mouth for a 22-minute episode of Doc McStuffins at home... DON'T BRING THEM TO THE MOVIE THEATER! If you do, don't be shocked when I lose my shit and this happens:

Above all, just be a little less douche when you go to the movie theater. Just a little less. Is that too much to ask? ~ EVERYONE at the theater has dropped a small fortune to be there. We all really want to watch the movie we're seeing, otherwise we wouldn't be there at all. So don't laugh at things that aren't funny. Don't make fun of a movie that every other grown ass adult in the theater is enjoying. Stop flapping your gums. And maybe, just maybe, be a little less douche. For ALL our sakes.

What peeves YOU off about going to the movies?
Let Linnie know on Twitter: @linnieloowho