The Horror Honeys: Give Me 3 Assholes and a Camera, I'll Give You a Shitty Movie

Give Me 3 Assholes and a Camera, I'll Give You a Shitty Movie

A Revenge Honey "I Should Have Known Better" Review by Linnie

Ghoul (2015)

After watching Petr Jákl's Ghoul, I came away having learned two important lessons; 1) 50% of the blame for my misery while watching it is on me. I knew it was found footage when I put it on, and I did it anyway. My bad, and 2) If the filmmakers can't be bothered to put together a coherent film, I refuse to waste the time giving them a well-organized and fully-literate review. Instead, you're getting an approximate plot and then a bullet point list as to why Ghoul is one of the worst movies I've seen this year.

What the Screenwriters Consider a Plot: Three chuckleheads filming a documentary on cannibalism go to Ukraine to interview a man who apparently ate people during Stalin's artificial famine, or holodomor, in 1932-33, in which approximately 30,000 people died per day. Because nothing says, "SENSATIONALISM!" like disregarding widespread genocide and focusing on one guy doing something horrible out of desperation. But then, there are homemade Ukrainian spirit boards scratched into table tops, and unnecessary sex scenes, and a tenuous connection to one of the most prolific serial killers in Ukraine's history. Now, let us bullet-point our way through every reason why Ghoul is a shit-show best forgotten immediately after you finish reading this.

  • When you set out to make a horror film with a handheld camera, you should be FORCED to decide right away whether it will be found-footage, or faux-documentary. Because Ghoul never decides which one it is. And because the film ends in such a way that said footage would NEVER BE FOUND, the whole movie makes not one lick of goddamned sense. 
  • When you make a found-footage film, do you sign some sort of contract promising that you will shake the camera as much as possible, use utterly pointless night vision (seriously, in Ghoul, they use night vision in a room WHERE THE LIGHTS ARE ON), and generally ensure that the majority of the movie is unwatchable? Is it a blood oath?
  • Additionally, is it a tenant of found-footage that every character be an unlikable, culturally insensitive asshat? If you don't know the difference between Russia and Ukraine, you shouldn't be allowed to enter either country.
  • I'm supposed to believe that three documentary filmmakers went to Ukraine to film a documentary about cannibalism, but NONE of them had ever heard of Andrei Chikatilo? Not one of them? Can none of them read?
  • Further, I'm supposed to believe that, in a cabin, in the middle of nowhere, haunted by the worst mass murderer in Ukraine's history, our intrepid filmmakers somehow have access to motherfucking wi-fi? No, that makes total sense. All of the electricity runs off one generator in the barn, but Time Warner's customer service is just fraking stellar out there.
  • I am fed up with films that misappropriate the tragedy of another country and then try to mine it for cheap scares. Can you imagine someone from Russia coming to the US and filming a horror movie based on 9/11? NO, YOU CAN'T! Because Americans would lose their shit. So why is it cool to make shit like Chernobyl Diaries or Ghoul in which Americans stomp all over other country's still VERY fresh wounds? It's twisted and it needs to stop.
  • The final shot involves the ghost of Andrei Chikatilo, or whatever he is, stabbing one female charater while screaming, "Infertile bitch, you are worthless to me!" Uh...

  • And a final "fuck you" to The Blair Witch Project, for leaving us with a legacy of found-footage film in which people scream at each for an hour and a half, but nothing remotely frightening ever actually happens. 
Revenge Honey Rating: 0 American Douchebags out of 5

Ghoul is available wherever, but you'll have to find it on your own.

What was the last movie to send you in to Hulk mode?
Tell me on Twitter: @linnieloowho