The Horror Honeys: A Slasher Honey Lesson from the Sports World

A Slasher Honey Lesson from the Sports World

A Slasher Honey Genre Curveball by Chassity

The Horror Hall of Fame

Right now, I’d like to talk to the sports fans for a second. You know the drill, you watch your favorite player for years. You love them, they’re at the top of their game, and then suddenly, it happens. They get overhyped, or they age, or get injured, and suddenly watching them becomes painful... and then sad, and then they get benched, or they retire. And as much as you hate to see them go, if you’re lucky, you get to take comfort in the fact that shortly after, their number gets retired. This sports tradition pays tribute to the player's sacrifice to their sport and awards them the ultimate respect of never having their shoes filled by a new face in a familiar jersey. 

Ideally, the world of horror could benefit from this same type of concept.

Admit it. The majority of us have spent at least the better part of the year, or more, bitching and moaning about all the reboots and remakes coming down the line. I’m guilty of it. I’m also guilty of bitching about the lack of good slasher movies of late. Part of this is because it has become more popular to just take what someone else has created and re-do it, or continue it, without having to really innovate anything at all. 

Well, I’m done, because all of that complaining isn't going to solve anything. People are going to keep doing what’s easy and cheap to market to audiences they believe don’t know any better. In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is only one way to make it more difficult for filmmakers to fall back on what's easy...

And that’s a little something I’d like to call Iconic Villain Retirement

These are famous horror movie villains, and franchise serial killers, that if I had my way would be put into some kind of Hall of Fame, their metaphorical jerseys (iconic masks, sweaters, coveralls, etc) retired, never to be touched again. No one would be able to reboot, reimagine, recalibrate, or make a part 5 or 6… you get the picture. Without the ability to piggyback off of what other people have already done, maybe this would force filmmakers to be more creative, while simultaneously weeding out the untalented and uninspired.

So, without further ado, here are your top 5.

I'm really tired, you guys.
Can't we just play Scrabble? Guys?
Michael Meyers: Obviously. Laurie is dead, and she’s the one we really cared about. And, also? You may remember the episode of Honey Radio where we joked about a slasher movie of all the icons where they’re all old and in a nursing home. But actually, this is true! By this point, realistically, Michael is getting to be an old man. Why is he still portrayed as a big strong man murdering people and outmaneuvering them with impunity? If another franchise film were to come out right this moment, in real time, Michael would be approximately fifty-eight years old! Why is he still an intimidating slasher? How would he be able to best the newest batch of healthy, strong teen victims? And if a new film weren’t set in 2015 or 2016, do you really think the teen audience that studios so desperately seek and cater to, would even bother? 

Just let Michael retire and live out his rapidly approaching golden years in peace, remembering the good old days when he was chasing his sister around and could slice and dice with the best of them. 

Freddy Krueger: Seriously. It’s enough already. To be honest, this entry is kind of cheating because there probably won’t be any more Nightmare films. But I say it’s not a chance we should even take. Jason Voorhees lopped his head off. It happened, and now there is no reason for him to come back. The last thing we need is some insane explanation for how his head was reattached and how he won the battle between Jason and himself, even though he was the one who ended up headless. Retirement is sadly too late to save Freddy from that 2010 attempt. We don't need to say anything about the remake, do we? Let's just no.

But more than all of that, I don’t think his name should even be mentioned in terms of a remake until it’s been fully acknowledged that he wasn’t some cool, funny figure who just happened to be a murderer; he was a vicious child killer and child molester. Until that time, no savvy slasher movie teens should be even attempting to casually throw his name around anymore. 

Pinhead: This one is short, sweet, and simple. Two reasons. Number one: don’t kick a guy when he’s down. The replacement portrayal in 2011 made fans cringe, and the beloved image of a classic icon doesn’t need any more destruction than that. Number two: when a horror villain is so legendary that I’ve been familiar with his entire backstory years before I’ve ever seen the films, that’s worthy of hall of fame/retirement to me. Pinhead was a thing of my nightmares before I even knew his name. Let’s not ruin that with more ridiculousness. 

Don't even try.  
Chucky: Chucky is a doll well past his prime, putting him in the same category as Freddy. He’s a jokester, and you can tell sometimes that we’re supposed to root for him because he’s so badass, but really, he’s only scary if you’re a child or have children. Someone crush him before he becomes a laughingstock. 2013's Curse of Chucky, while unnecessary, wasn't awful... but we're done now.

Pennywise: Seriously? Do I even need to explain this one? While the attempt to reboot this villain for the big screen has hit more snags than a new pair of pantyhose, they're still flailing away at it. Can I be loud and clear for a minute? No more clowns, no more clowns ever, no more attempts at Pennywise himself. Tim Curry is unfreakingtouchable. And none of your clowns will ever touch him, people. Let’s just end this new, upcoming clown craze, period. 

No clown will ever be this scary.
Ghostface: As much as it pains me to say this, it’s true. Let the figure rest. It’s unbelievable that this many people would want to kill Sidney as it is, and no one wants more of Jill. I don’t care about that open ended conclusion of Scream 4, or any more of Ghostface, who is already clumsy and borderline silly. If the series tries to continue in film form, it will surely jump the shark. 

I'll just stand here in the rain.
You may have noticed one glaring omission from this list: Jason Voorhees. Jason is not included because every movie after the original has been abysmal. He may be well known, but he doesn’t deserve "hall-of-fame, retire the hockey mask status" because he shouldn’t even exist in the first place. Didn’t he drown when he was a boy? How is he now a full grown man seeking revenge for his mother’s death, the mother who was killed in self-defense while she was seeking vengeance for his death? Jason is an (undead) nuisance, and he doesn’t play fair. If he didn’t really die, then why did his mother think he did? And what precisely has he been doing all those years prior to coming back later and revealing himself as a gigantic, fully grown, muscular man? Whatever it was, you can bet your hide it has given him an unfair advantage. It’s why his victims can run and he can walk, yet he still catches up to them. If you don’t get respect in the sports world for taking performance enhancing drugs because they give you an unfair advantage, Jason shouldn’t get respect for whatever may be his advantage. 

That's the corner you have to go sit in.
Over there.
Do you agree with me? 
Should we retire these villains and their mythologies? 
Tell me on Twitter: @ChassMM