The Horror Honeys: Honey Buzz ~ The first 8 minutes of SCREAM

Honey Buzz ~ The first 8 minutes of SCREAM

Hoo boy. 
Our Slasher Honey has been mad about the Scream TV Series since it was announced, and something tells me that she's going to be even more pissed off now.

There's nothing like a good "modern retelling" of a genre favorite, is there? Scream is dated, and oh so painfully 90s - with giant cell phones that aren't so smart yet, video rental stores (ow, my heart), and some of the best examples of 90s teen fashion ever. MTV's attempt at the series will look similarly laughable in twenty years. Featuring lightning fast texting skills, snapchat (I still don't get snapchat, WTF), "chirpster" (seriously?), Pottery Barn (I can't wait until this isn't a thing), and the cyber bullying of a lesbian classmate "the weak are outed and then eaten." The clip is only eight minutes long, and I already don't give a fuck about anything that happens beyond these eight minutes.  
Really, Queen?

What's in the clip: WELL, apparently it's supposed to be a reenactment of Drew Barrymore's chilling and memorable opening scene from Scream. But y'know updated. However, unlike Scream, we're set up to hate this entitled, rude, rich, blond bitch before we even see her face. I know that's part of the fun, killing characters you love is cruel, but killing people you already hate? FUN. Seriously. Fun. But in Scream, we don't hate Drew... we think she's kind of awesome. She loves scary movies and is making popcorn, we all do that, we identify with her. But this chick? Nope. She's coming home "drunk," sasses into a mansion that has a sound system programmed to her phone, and proceeds to get into a bikini and hop in the hot tub. That way we can have some extended shots of her looking extra sexy as she walks the grounds of her epically manicured back yard.

Sure, the text messages and snapchats are creepy, but the script plays them off as flirtatious and sexy. We know that the boyfriend is going to die already, we actually saw his head in the hot tub in the earliest promos for the series... so I didn't even have to crack a smile when his remains were lobbed unceremoniously into the water. In Scream, Drew had the good sense to freak the fuck out when this happened. Similarly here, but our bimbo promptly runs around the yard a little, calls Pottery Barn, and then tries to get back into the house, which is locked (obviously)... and she's banging on the doors and yelling for someone to let her in... NO ONE IS HOME YOU DUMBASS. Her death is also fast... one slash to the back and a slit throat. Scream's Ghostface delighted in drawing out the death scenes, putting a fine point on the torment and mental anguish and terror before death. This Ghostface just tosses the bitch in the pool and walks away in his gimp mask.

At least the dog doesn't die. Small mercies. 

I'm sure this is the point where everyone is going to tell me that I need to "lighten up."
Fuck that. I'm annoyed as hell.

MTV's new series begins its first season on 
Tuesday, June 30th. 

Will you be tuning in?

You did it better, girl.

Just for funzies, here's the first fifteen minutes from the original Scream: