The Horror Honeys: FYI: Most Surfers Aren't Racist Dickbags...

FYI: Most Surfers Aren't Racist Dickbags...

The price? My patience.
A Revenge Honey "Annoyed as Fuck" New Release Review by Linnie

Dawn Patrol (2015)

It's a strange sort of occupational hazard to go from absolutely adoring a new release one week (The Ladies of the House) to viewing a film that makes you want to quit your job and take up grape stomping at a vineyard in Tuscany. This week's review, Dawn Patrol, sent me scrambling for my passport. If I'm still here next week, it will be a fucking miracle.

The Plot (edited to reflect reality): After the brutal murder of his beloved brother (his brother is a wang), a small-town surfer (he's terrible) seeks revenge against the gang of merciless (insane exaggeration) thugs (one guy... it's one fucking guy) he holds responsible. However, when another tragedy brings him face to face with the consequences of his actions (a tiny woman with a tiny gun), he must seek forgiveness from the very people he despises most (Mexicans... it means Mexicans. He and his family are racist assholes).

Just three dudes sitting around being racist. These are the days of our lives...
I scarcely know where to begin with this movie. So I will start here: If you watch the trailer for Dawn Patrol, I can unequivocally tell you that everything about it is a lie. First, YES, director Daniel Petrie Jr. WAS nominated for an Oscar. In 1985. For writing the screenplay for Beverly Hills Cop. Second, nothing in this movie is about "chasing a dream." Dawn Patrol is about a racist family of asshats wrongly assuming that a Mexican teenager killed their son, and browbeating their other son until he feels so worthless, he believes that his only option is to kill an innocent kid. If that is what the creators of Dawn Patrol consider "chasing the dream," we should all be motherfucking grateful that skinheads and klansmen don't see their dreams fulfilled more often.

This promo shot is deplorable. I white-girl can't even.
Third, and possibly even more egregious than the blatant racism in this movie, is the creators disgusting attempt to pander to the American Sniper crowd with a three-second plot involving Scott Eastwood's character becoming a marine. I'm not exaggerating: he spends precisely five minutes of the film as a marine, almost gets his hand blown off, and then he spends the last five minutes of the movie in fatigues and/or suffering from PTSD. That's it. And the film's creators have the BALLS to list the plot on IMDb as "A surfer-turned-Marine held at gunpoint in a distant desert tells his tragic story of revenge gone wrong to stall his execution." Everything about this tacked on ending felt offensive: offensive to actual veterans who might be tricked into watching it, as well as those of us who don't consider the sleazy co-opting of real life suffering to be a valid means of tricking audience members into sympathizing for a formerly unsympathetic character.

Rita. What were you thinking? What. Were. You. Thinking?
Believe it or not, however, another group gets shat on just as bad as veterans and ethnic minorities: that's right... WOMEN! Nary a woman starring in Dawn Patrol isn't the literal worst, and the only woman who ISN'T the worst is visible for about 1/50th of the plot. Rita Wilson stars as the surfer boys' moms, using one son as a cash cow/pot dispensary, destroying the other's self-esteem, and constantly ragging on her husband for his annoying alcoholism thing. She also spews more racial epithets than a redneck at a tractor pull. It's been quite some time since I've been more disappointed in an actress. I can't really blame Kim Matula for the absolute obnoxious idiocy of her character Donna, because that is the fault of writers Rachel Long and Brian Pittman. But Donna IS insane, shrieking, irrational, violent, and mean, and of course that means EVERY man in a ten-mile radius wants to pork her. I'm not actually sure who any of this speaks worse of: Donna or the men who keep sleeping with her.

If crazy was an STD, the whole town would be infected.
It must be nice to be so oblivious.
I'd like to say something about Dawn Patrol's cinematography or direction stood out, so there was at least something positive to grab hold of. But no, everything about this movie, from the acting to the photography is just plain generic. The ONLY thing worth looking at in Dawn Patrol are Jeff Fahey's crystal blue eyes and there are about 100 other movies I can turn to for that, so I'm going to suggest you not bother suffering through this movie.

Also, I don't think I like Scott Eastwood. Officially. Just, for the record.

Revenge Honey Rating: 1 racist can of Sex Wax out of 5

Dawn Patrol is getting a theater release, and is available onDemand now...

I don't want to talk about Dawn Patrol. Meet me on Twitter
to talk about the original Point Break instead: @linnieloowho