The Horror Honeys: BIRD-DUMB-IC: Suck and... No, Just Suck

BIRD-DUMB-IC: Suck and... No, Just Suck

A Grumpy Monster Honey Review by Jennica

Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)

As someone who attends a lot of horror conventions, I'm guilty of at least one impulse purchase at almost every one I've attended every year. I honestly don't know why I need these things in my life. Sometimes it's a cheesy t-shirt, sometimes a horror movie patch (I don't know how to sew), and sometimes a book that I will never read. My vice varies depending on the convention. When at Monsterpalooza in Burbank, CA, I can be found hovering over the Severin Films booth at the end of the day, gambling away the last of my hard-earned dollars on an unseen film.

Last year's poor decision was Birdemic (2010). I meant to watch it as soon as I brought it home. I really did. But, as usual, I became distracted by movies that would not make my eyes bleed. Alas, Birdemic collected dust on the shelf and was left untouched for a year. And, dammit, it should have stayed that way. I hoped this movie would be another that I could add to my list of so-bad-it's-good gems. But it was all bad. So, horribly, irritatingly, please-peck-my-fucking-eyes-out bad. 

The Plot: After two of the planet's worst conversationalists have the intercourse (but hopefully don't reproduce), a flock of eagles and vultures begin terrorizing their town for reasons unknown. The couple of airheads meet up with their equally idiotic friends to declare war against their feathered foes.

I'm quite certain this is what the apocalypse is going to look like. Just one painfully shitty movie and it's all over. 

"This mask will protect me from all the stupid!"
When I say that the two lead characters are poor conversationalists, I mean that writer-director James Nguyen has likely never had a conversation with another human being, let alone dabbled in the dark art of flirtation. 

Not a single line of dialogue seemed natural and the weak performances by Alan Bagh and Whitney Moore only made my viewing experience more painful. It was as if they were already on autopilot and their on-screen romance had only just begun. Apparently, Birdemic is where any potential chemistry between two people goes to die. It is beyond me how anyone could read the screenplay to this abomination and think it was a good idea. 

"Look, sweetheart! It's a symbol of our love."
Almost as annoying as the worst performances in cinema history was the unrealistic lives of these two nitwits. Everything was too peachy fucking keen. Rod (Alan Bagh) magically gets his only bright idea funded for thousands of dollars; Nathalie (Whitney Moor) lands a modeling job with Victoria's Secret. Because stupid people win at life, I guess. At any rate, by the time the winged beasts finally showed up, I was begging them through my TV screen to peck every last character's brains out. After all, they could not possibly get any dumber.

Unfortunately, the best performance in Birdemic goes to the cheaply computer-generated birds. Seriously, this should be renamed "Duck Hunt: The Movie." There was actually a scene when people could be seen making direct contact with the birds and somehow the birds remained unharmed as if they were transluscent. I kept waiting for that little asshole dog to pop up and start snickering at these people.

Where is my Nintendo gun!?
On top of the fact that this movie looked incredibly cheap and caused me to lose several IQ points, Birdemic left me wondering why I even bothered watching it in the first place. The conclusion of this movie was that there wasn't a conclusion. I still have no fucking clue why these birds started attacking. And either I missed somthing during my state of spacey boredom or these birds randomly stopped fucking with people on their own accord. Uh... what?

Jennica's Rating: 0 Explosive Bird Poops out of 5

If you're in the mood to crack open a tub of ice cream and indulge in some serious self-loathing, I highly recommend watching Birdemic. It's truly a movie made for the masochist at heart. It will confuse you and it will really hurt. Curse whoever thought this festering piece of bird feces needed a sequel! 

If you're drunk, Birdemic is available via Netflix DVD, iTunesAmazon Instant Video
YouTube VOD, Google Play, & Blu-ray/DVD

Have you TOO suffered through Birdemic?
Commiserate with Jennica on Twitter: @PrmQueenFrmMars