The Horror Honeys: WOLFCOP Takes a Bite Out of Crime... and Your Face.

WOLFCOP Takes a Bite Out of Crime... and Your Face.

A Monster Honey WTF Review by Jennica

WolfCop 2014

Imagine Teen Wolf (1985) twenty years after Scott Howard graduated from high school. What in the actual fuck would that look like? The kids at his high school accepted him with open arms, but would the adult world learn to love him?

WolfCop (2014) is probably the closest we will ever get to finding out what adult Scott Howard's life would have been like. Lou Garou (Leo Fafard) is basically a grown-up Scott Howard. He chose to be a cop in a bumfuck nowhere town most likely because he partied too hard back in the day and ate his own homework one too many times. He can no longer hold a steady girlfriend or his liquor. But he has found a way to use his curse to make the world around him a better and somewhat cooler place. And he will rip your fucking face off while doing it.

What can only be described as an entertaining piece of what-the-fuckery, WolfCop shines its flashlight on the eternally hungover Officer Garou who-- in a crime-driven town of misfits-- is lured into the woods by a secret cult of shapeshifters to be marked by the curse of the werewolf for the greater good. Actually, it's so that they can devour his blood during a solar eclipse that only happens every thirty-two freaking years. 

Say what?

The plot of this movie, random as it already is, leaves me questioning the motivation of the shapeshifting cult. It's never quite explained what is so important about consuming werewolf blood during the solar eclipse. Does werewolf blood contain anti-aging ingredients? Does it help cure a nasty hangover? And why does it have to be during the solar eclipse? What happens if you drink the blood during a full moon, like when normal werewolves appear? And, finally, why does the cult need a gang of punks to protect them? I would think they could just open the gates of Hell with their dark powers. As much as I enjoyed seeing a werewolf movie attempt to bend the traditional rules of the subgenre, I couldn't quite accept the new rules put into place as they seemed a little too nonsensical.

Despite being an excellent example of horror comedy at its raunchiest, I have a sneaking suspicion that WolfCop borrowed some of its gags from previous werewolf movies. Hemorrhaging from the unholiest of holes and period jokes seemed all too familiar. And Lou certainly isn't the first werewolf to give me the finger. If you see where I'm going with these references, high five yourself.

While WolfCop isn't exactly the most original werewolf film, I admire its mixture of cleverly placed references to early childhood literature and sheer, no-fucks-given grotesqueness. Between the scantily clad and desperately vulnerable Little Red Riding Hood and three little "Piggies" raising hell at the local convenience stores, it's probably best to put the little monsters to bed before watching this fucked up folk tale. 

My. What big... eyes... you have!

Before going into the gruesome goldmine that is WolfCop, I have to take a moment to acknowledge the tacky-as-hell werewolf in this movie. I've said it before (see Don't  Push Paws: Top 5 Werewolf Movies) and, dammit, I'm saying it again now. I'm EXTREMELY picky about the appearance of werewolves in movies. And WolfCop is no exception. His fur looked blue in certain lighting and I could go on for many moons about his mouth. That mouth looked like a botched plastic surgery job. Or a vagina with teeth. And I've seen that movie.

Someone call the Ugly Police!
Now that I've expressed my undying hatred for stupid looking werewolves, I can move on to what is probably the most disturbing wolf-to-man transition. Since the beginning of this horror subgenre, the big change has become almost routine. The person starts hunching over, falls to the ground, teeth are sharpened, and hair appears in strange places. Not in this movie! Lou is already a wolf on the inside and he unleashes his inner-beast by breaking through his human skin as if shedding like a snake or slipping past a sort of birth canal. It's delightfully disgusting.

Jennica's rating: 3 WolfCocks out of 5

If you're looking for a classic werewolf movie, keep searching because WolfCop breaks all the rules and regulations. It is definitely not the most solid movie of its subgenre as everything about the plot is outlandish and the werewolf looks incredibly goofy. Pro tip: Do not watch this movie while sober. WolfCop ranges from inherently stupid to a hilariously wild ride depending on your bottle count. 

Watch responsibly.