The Horror Honeys: Some Girls Just Wanna Be Prositutes

Some Girls Just Wanna Be Prositutes

This poster is actually a MASSIVE spoiler. #posterfail
A Revenge Honey Second Chance Review by Linnie

Jade (1995)

"Well, we movie stars get the glory. I guess we have to take the little heartaches that go with it." 

I think this line from Singin' in the Rain applies to being a movie lover as well. For every masterpiece, there is a movie that rips out a piece of your soul. And for every movie that dances to the screen with nothing but trumpets and fireworks, there is a film that is doomed from the start. In 1995, that movie was William Friedkin's Jade. Not a soul on Earth or in media hell was interested in the plot of Jade, or Friedkin's directorial process on the sexual thriller. All anyone cared about was that David Caruso had arrogantly quit NYPD Blue to launch a movie career, and Jade was going to be the film that did it. So naturally, EVERYONE (except maybe Caruso and his agent) were rooting for the movie to fail.

And fail it did, in epic fashion. Critically, commercially, Jade was an absolute failure, along the lines of Ishtar and Heaven's Gate. The movie didn't even make back a fraction of what it cost to produce, and was just as big of a bomb overseas (if not more so). Thus, Jade entered the annals of film history as a movie sunk by an epic budget, massive star egos, terrible publicity, and bickering among the production team.

But I, darklings, am a forgiving Honey. I don't like to judge films based on word of mouth from when I was but a wee Honeybee. And if I can give the dumpster fire that was Boxing Helena a shot, I could at the very least do the same for Jade. So after watching it for the first time recently, I can officially report back...

It's not that bad?

That is a jar of pubes. I'll wait here while you vomit. Take your time.
The Plot... is kind of irrelevant, as it doesn't make a lot of sense. But let's try anyway. David Corelli (Caruso) is an ADA (I think) who happens to be best friends with high-powered defense attorney, Matt Gavin (Chazz Palminteri) and his psychologist wife Katrina (Linda Fiorentino). But then, people start dying (including a guy who collects pubic hair... vomit), and they are all connected to a mysterious prostitute named Jade, who has sesual connections to the governor. Corelli begins investigating the murders against tremendous government pushback and the sneaking suspicion that Jade may be closer to him than he realized.

Angie Everheart might be the worst actress though. This was amusing.
I can say with absolute sincerity that Jade is not remotely the worst film I've ever seen. It wouldn't even crack the top 100. Which isn't to say it's good, it's simply... competent. Which IS a major compliment given what I was expecting. The film is very distinctly (non-Exorcist) William Friedkin, full of overstuffed set design framed from refreshingly simplistic angles. It's kinetic, and sometimes overwhelming, but never visually boring, and this is what I love about Friedkin. Friedkin has said Jade is his favorite film out of his personal work and I can believe that. It is clear he put his heart and soul into it.

Oh, David. If only you'd been less of a wang.
The performances in Jade aren't remotely as terrible as I was prepared for either. As someone who was never fond of Fiorentino before I discovered her array of erotic thrillers, I was actually blown away by her in this film. One scene in particular features some of the saddest consensual sex I've seen in a film in my life, and Fiorentino sells it. It's no more than two minutes, but it's devastating and frankly seemed out of place in a film that isn't big on subtlety. I would love to see a film built around that scene, because it set a completely different tone, and established a fascinating character that deserved better than what Jade delivered.

This didn't happen in the movie. But it looks good, right?
Revenge Honey Not Fun Fact: I DO find it interesting that both Fiorentino and Caruso tanked their careers by being absolute pains in the asses to work with, and yet Caruso has bounced back to become somewhat of a beloved second-chance golden boy while Fiorentino is still basically un-hirable. Don't make me use the "m" word on you, Hollywood.

One thing Jade definitely has going for it is sex: the kind of ball-stepping, oral-giving, straight-up-dirty sex that you just don't see in movies anymore. The 90s were an amazing time for the sexual thriller and it bums me out that I didn't have the pleasure of being over 17 during that era. Mainstream film delivers violence by the assload, but man... the cinema does not cater to adults anymore. If given the option, I'd take a mediocre sexual thriller over a mediocre action film any day. And Jade is just that: a mediocre sexual thriller.

So is Jade as awful as everyone would lead you to believe? Not remotely. It's gory, violent, sexy, ridiculous, and absolute 90s nonsense. Which I think is maybe the best kind of nonsense. And there are worse ways to kill an hour and a half.

Revenge Honey Rating: 3 Pube Jars out of 5

Viewing Note: Watch the Director's Cut... not the theatrical cut. There are 12 additional minutes that clear up the plot and more sex. Which, I think, is always a good thing.

Jade is available on Netflix Streaming, Amazon Instant Video, YouTube VOD, VuduGoogle Play, & DVD

Do YOU love Jade despite the hate?
Tell me why on Twitter: @linnieloowho