The Horror Honeys: Horrorscopes ~ April 2015

Horrorscopes ~ April 2015



Aries (March 21 - April 20)
April is a personally powerful month for you, Aries. In the first week of the month, imbalances in your life become glaring. And you do NOT like to be glared at. Relationships are in strong focus, and important epiphanies may be reached now: melon ballers are not just for melons… (eyes, scoop out the eyes of the glarers). Your desire to settle in, perhaps ironically, fuels a need to work hard for security. You can’t have random eavesdroppers coming by and scoping out your work area. What if they expect fruit salad and you have to explain why you have no balled melons? Pay attention on the 21st and 22nd, they are especially strong days for business and work endeavors. Marketing your multi-purpose kitchen/killing tools is key here. This is an important time for personal goals, revisions and new beginnings. You are always in charge of your life, Aries, but there are times when you have more confidence to take action - like when using that juicer for easy hand mutilation. The New Moon on the 18th is in your sign and gives you a real boost for discovering other multi-purpose kitchen/killing implements.

You are communicating more than usual in the first half of the month, Aries, and people are listening. Because when they aren’t you have discovered a nifty use for that cheese grater you’ve had your eyes on. You’re making executive decisions about garlic crushers; feeling independent and energized about new uses for your potato peeler. With moving forward in your romance sector, you’re likely to see some exciting forward movement in love. Perhaps a chef will appeal to your tastes - and if not - perhaps you can show him exactly how YOU prefer to julienne. Pluto turning retrograde can initially magnify work and reputation pressures, but going forward, some of the pressure you’ve been feeling to perform is moved to the back seat, along with unique sales pitches for that food processor, apple corer, and egg slicer. It’s okay though, this is great news for all Aries, especially if you’ve been feeling a little bogged down recently. Your spirit to enjoy life is building, and returning to your melon baller roots is a great place to begin. 

Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
April foretells that you will assert yourself and have things done as per your wish. If not, may the Gods have mercy whoever has crossed your path.

It may be difficult to manage your career and your love life this month, Taurus - so don’t fall in love with victim number 47. People purusing fine arts will have excellent month, finger painting in blood will become a nice way to pass the time. You may even become interested in humanitarian causes and will be involved in charitable work for the betterment of society. This may or may not include a human culling. It definitely does not include donating your bloody finger paintings. 

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
This months predictions are for personal upliftment and for achieving your goals independently, Gemini. You have been following in the shadows of the master for far too long - slay him (or her) and put in the best efforts to prove that you can handle taking the reins. 

Ad you may have guessed, your career is at the top of the agenda this month, Gemini. Don’t let pesky mentors get in the way of your dreams. Even if they are psychotic.





Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
Cancerians, you have your own life and your own path, be prepared to follow it. This month step away from the crowd, there is no need to adapt to situations or people. They will only lead you towards harm. Be aware of the mob mentality and stay away from it. Seriously, Cancer, you don’t even own a pitchfork. 

Your career will overshadow domestic and spiritual matters this month, Cancer, and family will be helpful in keeping you on the straight and mostly alive path. Actually, you might want to buy a pitchfork. 



Leo (July 24 - August 23)
April will require you to use your social charms to seek the help of other people to achieve your growth, Leo. You will have to leave your house. You will have to interact with the “others”, and you will have to pretend not to hear the voices in your head. Try adapting yourself to the changing environment and the people in it. 

Hold off on major decisions on family issues for a while. All the socializing may make it difficult to recall which Aunt is real and which is imaginary.




Virgo (August 24 - September 23)
Virgo, this month will require you to use your extensive communication skills and ability to be flexible to get your life moving. This is not the time to enter into a conflict with people, but should it be inevitable, make sure you are moving with a large enough van to stow the body out of sight.

Balance is key this month between career and family and moving. If you can get your job to pay for your move, you can keep your family away long enough to hide that pesky confrontationalist.  





Libra (September 24 - October 23)
Predictions point to a major shift in your outlook, Libra. Is it guilt? Is it remorse? Is it heartburn? The stars don’t say, but they are sure you are intuitive enough to figure it out on your own. Hunt down your favorite psychologist to run things past them. Keep them alive for future reference. It’ll be good for you.

Stay focused on your intuition this month, Libra. You may know yourself better than you think. And take some Tums. Because it could just be acid reflux. 





Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
Your independence and aggression will fail you this month, Scorpio, ironically making you more aggressive. Your psychological stability will be in question - so asking friends to help you would be a good idea to stave off involuntary commitment. 

Put your aggression to good use by reaching your personal achievements, like not kicking that dude that did that thing that made you MORE angry. It’s the little things.





Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
Your relationship with your parents and emotional affairs will dominate this month, Sagittarius. Which really gets in the way of your personal ambitions. Take steps to enhance your mental strength to deal with this. Moving things with your mind and setting them on fire always helps the stars. 

However, this is not the time to be hot-headed and try to force your way, unless you don’t get your way, then be hot headed and light things on fire again. Exercise your charm and be communicative. Letting people know you’re going to blow stuff up might help them annoy you less.



Capricorn (December 23 - January 20)
April is all about will power, Capricorn, and a change in spell casting may help you accomplish things better. 

Concentrate on planning the future direction of your evil plan and take action in due course. Family and emotional needs will dominate in the beginning, but once you turn them into toads, your emotional state will greatly improve. Confer with your coven and listen to other witches and warlocks, they may have a better spell for you.




Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)
Tempermentally you will be impatient when things do not work out the way you want. Get over this. Acting out will only call unwanted attention to yourself. You have plenty of energy to attain your goals in life, Aquarius, do not waste it on becoming a victim. 

Strengthening your mind will help in your future. Keep sharp so you know how to escape, how to survive, how to overcome being impatient.






Pisces (February 20 - March 20)
This is the month for you to decide what you want in life and follow it up by moving forward. Things will happen, Pisces. Good things: your spirituality will rule your progress. Bad things: the Gods you pray to just might make you go insane. 

Attempting to rely on your personal grace and attraction will not stop the Gods from torturing you with insanity. But your new behavior and personality will be appreciated by other Pisces of the same spiritual beliefs. So that’s something.