The Horror Honeys: Frankenstein's Wurst Army

Frankenstein's Wurst Army

A Bored Monster Honey Review by Jennica

Frankenstein's Army (2013)

Like many of my fellow monster maniacs, I've always been drawn to the classic Universal monster movies. Not all of them are well-made and they certainly don't have me hiding under the covers late at night, but I get a a child-like thrill out of watching them, much like the feeling I used to get while reading Goosebumps books or watching Are You Afraid of the Dark? (1990-2000). And each creature has distinct characteristics that are recognizable to anyone of any age group. Dracula has fangs, the Wolfman is covered in hair, Frankenstein has bolts extending from his neck. As I'm sure was the case upon the initial release of the Universal monster movies, people tend to remember the monsters with new and unusual features. That is precisely what peaked my interest in Frankenstein's Army (2013). 

Typically, I turn my nose up at most modern-day retellings of the classic horror stories. I rolled my eyes at Dracula Untold (2014), I ignored I, Frankenstein (2014), and I walked out of the theater about halfway through Van Helsing (2004). But when I first saw the trailer for Frankenstein's Army, I was intrigued. Seeing several variations of half-man-half-machines crawling through the halls of an abandoned warehouse, striking fear into the lives of soldiers--men who have already seen some serious shit-- sounded like the premise of a dark, disturbing movie. 

Alas, with the exception of some interesting creations, I spent most of my night trying to avoid entering a coma due to intense boredom.

Is there some kind of medal for this?

In 1945, a group of Soviet soldiers enter eastern Germany to assist those in distress due to post-World War II conditions. Unknowingly, the soldiers are led by their captain on a secret mission to find and capture Dr. Viktor Frankenstein, a Nazi scientist who has designed an army of killing machines by combining the remains of fallen soldiers with weapons of mass destruction.

I only wish this movie was as exciting as it seems on paper, but the truth is that the hardest battle being fought while watching Frankenstein's Army was my own. There were a number of times during my viewing when I was fighting the good fight that every movie lover has faced at one time or another; the fight to stay the hell awake. Sadly, as I had previously menitoned on Twitter, boring movies are my kryptonite. And Frankenstein's Army was taking me down.

Contrary to the action-packed trailer that got me pumped for this movie in the first place, a good portion of the movie was just a few soldiers walking around, poking at dead bodies on the ground, and frequently huddling together to blankly stare at a map. If I wanted to watch a movie about people walking, I would have popped in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012).

"Are we there yet?"
Touching on the subject of the dead bodies lying all over the ground as the troop marched on, I'll once again reiterate that I was expecting some serious ass-kicking and bloodshed from this movie. But it looked like most of the monster madness happened before the movie even started, as the bodies were already piled sky high. Dr. Frankenstein's monsters came, saw, and conquered without me. I felt cheated. 

Once the motley crew of Soviets FINALLY reached the Franken-factory, I was beyond underwhelmed upon getting a closer look at Dr. Frankenstein's handy work. These creature didn't show any sign of intelligence or strategy, they didn't move very fast, and most of them looked like they were pieced together using scraps from a junkyard. Luckily, by the time the piles of garbage appeared, this trainwreck was almost over.

Sir, the Steampunk convention is next week.

Jennica's Rating: 0 Dead Nazis out of 5

Frankenstein's Army is currently available on Netflix, so you don't have to throw away any hard-earned cash to endure this hour and a half of suck. But if you want my opinion-- and if you're reading this, then I assume that you do-- this movie isn't even worth the energy it takes to push play.