The Horror Honeys: A Tidal Wave of Slithering, Slimy, Horror!: The Best Animal Revenge

A Tidal Wave of Slithering, Slimy, Horror!: The Best Animal Revenge

A Revenge Honey Top Five List by Linnie

Full Revenge Honey Disclosure: I’m a hardcore vegetarian, so pretty much any horror movie that features an animal seeking bloody revenge on humans for any reason whatsoever gets me giddy as a knife-wielding schoolgirl. 99% of the time, I fully believe that whatever bloody and grotesque end a human meets at the paws of an animal is probably fully justified. However, the fact of the matter is that actual films featuring animals that swear a blood oath on damn dirty humans aren’t that common. Sure, you have your Cujo-s and your Piranha-s, but those don’t involve animals who have been wronged per say. So the list you’re getting from me today is my top five favorite films that feature an animal that has been pissed off, jerked around, or just plain fucked with by us stinking two-legged, car-driving, latte-sucking, assfaces. Enjoy!

*Note: Before anyone gets their panties in a wad, I’m not including Jaws on this list because the first one technically didn’t involve revenge and the one titled Jaws: THE REVENGE was a dumpster fire.

Orca (1977) 

When I was tiny little Revenge Honey-let of 5, I wanted nothing more than to grow up and be a marine biologist (this was before I was aware math was involved, of which I’m an honest to Godzilla dyslexic. It’s a real thing.) So my well-meaning mother went off to the video store in search of ocean mammal-themed films to capture my attention and spur my burgeoning love of the sea. She picked up Michael Anderson’s Orca, didn’t read the back of the box, and popped it in the VCR for me to watch. An hour and a half later, she came back in the room and found me curled up in a ball in the corner, rocking back and forth. The point, you may ask? This animal revenge classic, about an orca whale seeking revenge for the murder of its mate and baby, may be hammy, but holy crap, did it scare the shit out of mini-Revenge Honey!

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

Yeah yeah, of COURSE there are better shark movies out there. But the basic plot of DBS, that in her quest to cure Alzheimer’s, a scientist engineers genius sharks, is kind of brilliant. When you consider the fact that sharks are already fairly smart without humans stepping in and upping their IQ, being stalked by these babies actually makes a pretty terrifying premise for a film. Sure, the acting was terrible and the effects were pretty weenie, but remember… There WAS the kickass scene where Samuel L. Jackson got his ass eaten out of fucking nowhere. So there is always that.

Alligator (1980)

If you are from New York City or its surrounding areas, the myth of the sewer alligator is one of the great stories you grow up with. Really, the story exists just to stop kids from flushing stupid shit down the john, but it was only a matter of time before someone turned the myth into a horror movie! After being flushed down a (Chicago… booooo) toilet as a baby, and then feeding on the corpses of genetically mutated lab animals in the sewer for his entire life (stay with me here) a 2,000 pound alligator gets sick of the underground life and decides he wants to eat humans for a change of pace. This cheesy, ridiculous, B-movie classic is about as terrible as you can get, but hey, that’s why you end up rooting for the gator!

King Kong (1933… And ONLY 1933.)

I don’t know about you, but this is the ultimate “root for the animal” film for me. Not only are humans responsible for busting in and ruining the life of the giant ape, who was just minding his own business on his island, but then when he gets pissed off about it, they frigging shoot him! With planes! The poor guy can’t even get a little love without everyone going all apeshit on him. (Pun intended.) Even when I would watch this movie as a kid with my dad, my sense of justice was seriously tested. While some people like the remakes, I don’t think it’s remotely possible to beat the emotional power of the original 1933 classic.

Frogs (1972)

"Cold green skin against soft warm flesh! A croak! A scream! FROGS!" Seriously, how can you say no to that?! This movie is really just absolutely awful and to pretend it’s anything else would be to betray my hallowed position as a Horror Honey. Just looking at the poster for the movie should pretty much give you a clear idea of what nonsense this movie is. But, it’s the absolute best kind of nonsense when it comes to animal revenge films. After an old dick of a millionaire who hates nature starts poisoning the animals on his island, the animals decide to seek a little payback. Today the pond! Tomorrow… THE WORLD! I mean… COME ON! How can you not love that crap? (For added fun, enjoy the rampant homoeroticism and casual racism!)

What is YOUR favorite animal revenge film? Let me know on Twitter!