The Horror Honeys: Spooky Kids Saturday Creature Feature with Suzanne!

Spooky Kids Saturday Creature Feature with Suzanne!

Frogs (1972)

I was born and raised in upstate NY. And when I say, “upstate,” I’m not talking Westchester, I’m talking the Adirondacks. I grew up surrounded by mountains, lakes, and farms. We had a brook that ran across our dead end street, which weaved back onto our property. From that brook, I brought home a number of things that displeased my mother; this included frogs and toads. I was eventually allowed to keep a small number of them in the cellar window wells, which were deep and cool, with lots of burrowing dirt. Some of the toads I had for several years, until a snake got in. That was the end of that.

This brings me to this week’s feature, Frogs

Woah Sam Elliot! Those are the tightest, penis compressing-ist,
sperm killing-ist, testicle gripping-ist jeans I've ever seen!
Pickett Smith (Sam Elliott) is a photographer who is taking photos of pollution in Florida’s waters for an environmental magazine. He gets a little too close to a private island owned by Jason Crockett (Ray Milland). Crockett is a curmudgeonly, disabled millionaire, on the island with his family for the July 4th holiday, which is also Crockett’s birthday. Smith is invited to stay by Karen Crockett (Joan Van Ark), who takes an immediate liking to him.

Naturally, the entire Crockett family is full of themselves, with the exception of wide-eyed Karen, because there has to be one nice person for an underdeveloped and unnecessary love story involving Smith. The family makes it clear they despise nature and don’t understand why, with their fortune, they must live side by side with the island’s creatures.

Joan Van Ark: rocking the 70s vag squeezer.
"Hey Crockett, it's YOUR turn to croak."
We discover what a super-douche Crockett is when he admits that he’s been spraying poison to kill off the ever increasing population of wildlife on the island. The animals aren’t having any of that shit and take revenge on the island’s human inhabitants. 

I love a good animal revenge film. That probably stems from liking animals better than people, as a whole. Now I wouldn’t say this was a “good” revenge film, but it has its merits. Forever swoon-worthy Sam Elliott makes you weak at the knees every time he opens his mouth to speak. Seriously, I will sit through a Dodge commercial just to hear his voice. Then we have Ray Milland. Why he ever agreed to a film like this, I’ll never understand, but who cares? He’s Ray Milland and he’s wonderful! Frogs also has Joan Van Ark’s original face.

Frogs kills off nearly every human character at the hands… er… feet, mouth, stingers, etc. of the island’s animal and insect population. I’m pretty sure a lot of them aren’t even native to Florida, but does that really matter? This is an eco or natural horror film in the same vein as Piranha or The Swarm. So if you’re looking for a little animal payback with a side of cheese, this more than fits the bill. 

An old fart in a wheelchair < an island full of pissed off wildlife
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