The Horror Honeys: iZombie, You Zombie, NO Sex Zombie

iZombie, You Zombie, NO Sex Zombie

A Zombie Honey PSA by Bella

I know that you should never judge a book by it’s cover. Thank goodness this isn’t about a book… Okay, in fairness, iZombie was a book - a comic book - but that’s not what I have an issue with. 

Zombies aren’t pretty. Zombies aren’t fuckable. 

There. I said it. That is my issue. 

Issue the first: CW, NOT. EVERYTHING. IS. PRETTY. *deep breath*

In case you’ve missed the news, iZombie is a new CW show slated to start March 17, 2015. It centers around Liv, an over-achieving medical resident, who becomes a zombie after a late-night party becomes a feeding frenzy. Like they do. Liv is turned into part-zombie and takes a job at a coroner’s office to get her fill of brains. Like you do. But, eating brains has it’s side-effects: gaining the memory of the person whose brain Liv just consumed and solving homicides. Like it do?

Aside from the side-eyeing plot, which I’ll probably enjoy, there is the fact that Liv must consume brains to maintain her passibility as mostly-human. And here is where my concerns arise. What happens when Liv misses her weekly feeding? When she has to be more zombie than human? When she has to be - dare I say it - fugly?! Remember: by definition zombies are the living dead. They have ceased to continue to live. And what happens when you’re dead? You rot. Maybe only being partly-dead keeps that from happening? <insert “mostly dead” Princess Bride reference>

If this is how CW does ugly, I want to be hideous.
My guess is, as with most things the CW feeds it’s masses, they’ll skip this venture all together OR they’ll make her Hollywood ugly. Which is exactly passable as ugly on the CW. And that’s just not okay with me in regards to zombies. It’s down-right unacceptable. But hey, if you’re watching more than one CW show at a time, you’re probably not there for the nitty-gritty reality of the everyday decaying of a part-zombie, part-human amateur crime solver. Just like no one wanted to see the “90% covered in scars” Arrow, right? I mean, that one little scar on his hip bump was totally 90% of his body, yeah? Oh look - abs. <insert dramatic eye roll>

Issue the second: In fact, I believe that my assumption is going to prove most accurate due to this little tidbit I picked up on the interwebz: Rob Thomas, the show’s co-creator and writer, said that they “are calling the show ZILFs.” ZILFs, people. Are you taking this journey with me? Zombies. I’d. Like. To. Fuck. You know what, NO! Don’t take this journey with me. In fact, fold up your map, stuff it in the glove box and drive in the opposite fucking direction.

This is a zombie. Do not fuck it. 
Zombies are NOT sex toys (except when they are*). Know why? Because they are dead. They are literally death warmed over. I’m not sure when this particular sub-genre of gross started, but I will be thrilled to death (ha!) when it’s over. Warm Bodies did it, buried under a layer of “aww, isn’t it sweet that love will bring him back to life”; but, you know what, love doesn’t bring zombies back to life - because they are dead! DeadGirl did it, burying up layers of “you’re a gross dead girl rapist,” which is double disgusting because 1. rape and 2. SHE. WAS. DEAD. And now, iZombie is going to do it and it has a living, breathing, mostly-human, mouth-piece to spread the word. It makes me shudder in my toe-socks.

Some of the movies that fit snugly into this bizarre little sub-genre call into question the definition of “zombie.” But that’s an article for another time. I promise!

Despite my snarl-face at the pretty zombie; Rob Thomas’ ever increasing dude-bro banter; and even the existence of the term “ZILF,” I’m hoping that Brob (get it? Bro + Rob) makes the writing work for the show. I’ve been a fan of a number of his other credits including Veronica Mars, Party Down, and Space Ghost Coast to Coast.

Here’s hoping some wry wit and self-aware humor will make all the wishful zombie fucking references go away. I’ll let you know. Keep an eye out for a season recap/review and a compare and contrast of its source material: iZombie (the comic books).

Ok. Fine. You can fuck your zombie dildo... 

But that's ALL!