The Horror Honeys: It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Dies in the Fuckpad.

It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Dies in the Fuckpad.

And the rules? Epic douchebaggery is a must.
A Revenge Honey New-ish Release Review by Linnie

The Loft (2015)

I had a hell of a time deciding on a title for this particular review. Outside of the one I chose, my options were:
  • Bros Being Basic
  • Bros Will Be Bros, But Bitches Be Cray!
  • Nothing Brings Bros Together Like Sharing a Fuckpad
  • Rich Hot Middle-Aged White Guy Problems
  • My Hot Brunette Wife is Boring! GIVE ME A BLONDE!
Any of these worked, and they are the lessons you will learn if you waste your time watching Erik Van Looy's idiotic "sexual thriller," The Loft (because The Fuckpad didn't test well with the MPAA).

The Story: A bunch of rich, hot, white guys... and Eric Stonestreet... all decide that being rich and having gorgeous wives isn't enough for any of them. Their wives are NAGGY and OLD and BRUNETTE and ain't nobody got time for that. So in order to bang their blondes on the side, they all go in on the rent on a loft where they can fuck around in peace without getting caught by those naggy brunettes of theirs. But then they find one of those aforementioned hot blondes handcuffed to the bed, dead, and bleeding all over their Egyptian cotton sheets. THESE COMPLICATIONS WEREN'T PART OF THE FUCKPAD RULES, GUYS! So now they must figure out how the blonde died, who was fucking her, and why she's inconveniencing them by being dead in their loft.

Goddamnit woman, you were supposed to leave in the morning! RULES!
I scarcely know who exactly this movie was suppose to appeal to, other than rich, hot, middle-aged white dudes suffering from a serious case of the middle-age malaise, and I imagine they are too busy with their own fuckpads to go to the movies. The Loft is so over-the-top offensive to women, it's almost mildly hilarious. Rhona Mitra, an absolute kickass dynamo of an actress, is relegated to a supporting role as one of the nagging brunette wife who hates her husband James Marsden's friends... And she has a point, because THEY ARE ALL DOUCHEBAGS! The other wives are either shrieking, cheating, or being a pain in the ass by having diabetes. I mean really, be a little more high maintenance. 

At least you're just a hooker, and not a crazy hooker.
And while I am never one to defend blondes, The Loft actually treats them worse than the shrieking wives, because they are either prostitutes, crazies, or... crazy prostitutes, who only exist to be fucked on the side and eventually, murdered as a lame plot point. They walk around naked, threaten to tell wives about affairs, or sleep with politicians for money, but never actually display any defining characteristics. But in a movie that is so obviously about the real societal issues facing the rich attractive white guy, I suppose the problems of poor, blonde women that have to sleep with men for money to put themselves through law school don't really amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

Fuck. All. Of. You.
And since we haven't mentioned him yet (and I know you're wondering), let's go ahead and bring up Eric Stonestreet. I GET that he's persistently trying to convince everyone that he's not actually the fabulous gay man he portrays on Modern Family. But this wasn't really the way to go when attempting to step outside that box. Because you know what? I hate him now. Stonestreet plays a drunk, fat douchenozzle who cheats on his wife with an overweight woman he meets at a bar, calls her a cow, acts like she's beneath him, then whines when his wife dumps him. SO classy. But do you know why I hate him, as WELL as The Loft?

BECAUSE ALMOST EVERY BRO IN THIS MOVIE GOT A HAPPY ENDING! Stonestreet's wife takes him back, Marsden gets to dump his naggy wife for his prostitute, the creepy friend dies, the "troublesome" friend takes the fall for the murder, and the rich, hot, middle-aged white dude FINALLY gets his break in America by staying rich and hot and white but with BLONDES this time.

From a technical standpoint, everything about The Loft could have been lifted directly from your random, generic 80s sex thriller, and that is not remotely a compliment. The only element missing was Richard Grieco.

I am not sure what disappoints me more about The Loft: that ANY of these actors agreed to star in it, or that a movie that is so unbearably 80s in its politics that it actually got made at all. Shame on you, everyone involved with this movie. Shame on you.

Revenge Honey Rating: 0 Basic Bros out 5