The Horror Honeys: Haunted Horrorscopes: MARCH 2015

Haunted Horrorscopes: MARCH 2015

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)
There is general movement towards better working conditions, Pisces: newer, shinier tools; roomier kill shacks; sharpened blades; black-out bags; new magazines for harassing notes; and little to no distractions from those pesky neighbors. They’ll even be more suitable work: stalking; creeping; heavy panting; kidnapping; and even dismembering. In March, dear Pisces, you’ll see these improvements, with more to come later. This month, and next, you’re working on your financial situation. There’s more ambition now to focus on your first target with your new tools, you’ll need some financial security to pay your “normal” bills and keep suspicious persons at bay. There will be an emphasis on your talents (drugging, bagging and tagging), resources (new drugs, bags and tags) and daily routines - the muscle behind the stalk. Look for ways to update and improve through new methods and technologies, but be careful not to leave an e-trail. You are challenged to think outside the box in order to come up with viable plans to improve your talents. Not all victims fit inside boxes. There may be sudden discoveries of underground tunnels, underwater graves, barrels of lye and bags of flesh-eating insects that will help you to improve in your lifestyle. A relationship epiphany can occur around the 5th. Someone has something important to say, and possibly a lesson to teach. But beware, Pisces, it is not the catch in kill shack 4. Don’t listen to them. Never fall in love with the prey. This month is also a time when using your personality and personal influence can be especially effective. You are getting noticed, Pisces, be sure to use this to your advantage. If you’re in the spotlight, you can’t be the one terrorizing them. It can be disorienting at first, but ultimately very rewarding. Your new regimen may be intense but instead of brooding over problem areas, you should be motivated to make important changes that bring you closer to your end-goals. The focus is on starting fresh this month, Pisces. New tools, new skills, new targets.

Aries (March 21 - April 20)
This month forecasts that the focus will be on personal achievements, Aries. Not getting caught, not gluing your fingers together making ransom notes, not cutting your fingers while making stalking masks, to name just a few. Psychological issues will also be important for you Arians, though to a lesser degree. Good for you, you’re not the craziest bunch this month.

You do tend to believe that divine forces will help you in your efforts. So, maybe you’re a little crazy. But hey, you will create the fate of someone else this month.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Your focus will be on your career (what you do for a living) and profession (what you do to the living) this month with domestic concerns in the background - for now. It’s all your way all the time in March, Taurens. You will not need to be governed by situations or people. Now is the time to be aggressive and move forward like the bull you are.

You will accomplish your targets at break neck speed due in part to the fact that you’ll likely be breaking necks.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
This month is all about money, money, money, Gemini. Don’t worry about family and love this month. Worry about picking family and love’s pockets, instead. 

Your self-reliance, as well as social grace, is required to progress in these skills. Just stay focused, focused, focused.

Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
This month you have to find an intelligent balance between independence and social support. At times you will need to take the support of your acquaintances, while at other times you will need to just take your acquaintances. 

Follow your own life path, Cancer. Take up new targets, don’t be taken up by them. 

Leo (July 24 - August 23)
March foretells that work and personal achievements are sharply in focus. Personal concerns will be dormant - but will begin to progress rapidly. Keep an eye on your coworkers, Leo, as they are definitely keeping an eye on you. Seek help from your friends when leaving work at night.

However, don’t adapt to situations and other people too much this month Leo. It makes you an easy mark. 

Virgo (August 24 - September 23)
Dear Virgo, this month you must give equal importance to career and domestic affairs. 
On one hand, you must be sure to warn visitors against the evils of their destination. On the other hand, you must be sure get more visitors to make an honest living. Balance is key, but you may need the help of your friends to accomplish this. Be flexible and seek other harbingers to help you in this venture.

Libra (September 24 - October 23)
It’s time to concentrate on family matters, Libra. You must strengthen the emotional aspect of life with a proper sacrifice of a first born within the first three weeks of the month. Excellent dedication to your dark Gods is required for you to accomplish this goal. It won’t be easy, especially if your first born is older and praying to a different God that is requiring your sacrifice. 

Adaptability is key, Libra. Play along and your success will come from the element of surprise. 

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
Scorpions, your February horrorscope predicts that domestic affairs will dominate this month. Someone has been nefariously eyeing you from a great distance. Keep your international travels on the back-burner for now. It's just safer this way.

Be flexible and adapt yourself to the local environment, for now, Scorpio, in order to continue to live long and prosper. 

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
Tsk Tsk, Sagittarius... March predicts that you have to lessen your personal aggression. Now might be an excellent time to figure out other ways to release your pent up rage. Forget about working out and bulking up. Leave behind that face-painted punching bag. Step away from the ropes, rags and chloroform. 

Concentrate on personal harmony this month, and how to balance that with person harming.

Capricorn (December 23 - January 20)
This month you have to find equilibrium between your self-esteem and your communication skills, Capricorn. Sometimes you have to assert your self worth to the skeletons in your closets. Other times you just have to move those skeletons somewhere else. Seriously, stop hiding skeletons in your closet. It’s not just a bad place. It’s an obvious place. 

Oh. I’m sorry. Don’t be upset. You did good hiding them. There, there.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)
Your spiritual focus will outweigh your career focus this month, Aquarius. Which is weird because you don’t actually believe in anything. So, this month it’s all about creating a faith. There is no need to depend on others or succumb to situations. To aid in your persuasions, you will be highly charming and attractive this month, Aquarious. Now is the perfect time to create your own situations for others to succumb to.