The Horror Honeys: Everly: All the Things... None of them Good.

Everly: All the Things... None of them Good.

The nudity in this poster? 100% unnecessary.
A Revenge Honey New Release Review by Linnie

Everly (2015)

How do you solve a problem like Everly, a film that tries to be everything to everyone and thus ends up satisfying no one at all? This is a common problem with revenge films that attempt to mimic Luc Besson's "badass heroine with an ax to grind" formula, only to find that Luc Besson is known as the master of this genre for a reason. Only he can do it (and even he sometimes fails). But Everly is different because Everly... well, Everly stars Salma Hayek: a woman that almost every Honey would likely follow into bloody battle. So watching this film, directed by Joe Lynch (Knights of Badassdom) was mildly torturous for your Revenge Honey, as I could ALMOST see the film that might have been, had Luc Besson been the one at the helm.

Instead, what we have is another major 2015 disappointment and my latest, "Headache of the Week." So join me, darklings, into the absolutely incomprehensible nonsense that is Everly.

The Story: Everly (Hayek) is the favorite prostitute (I guess) of a Yakuza (though this is never defined) boss, as she is given the best apartment in what is apparently (?) a one-floor brothel. The film opens with the implication that Everly has turned state's evidence against her captor (referred to in the IMDb description as her "ex?" FUCK OFF. He enslaved her), but the random Yakuza dudes in her apartment know, so she has to shoot them all. The movie then becomes:

Everything about this scene gave me a headache.
1) All of the other prostitutes in the building trying to kill her,
2) Everly trying to get her mother and young daughter out of town before her "ex" sells her FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTER into sexual slavery,
3) Everly shooting an increasingly complicated series of killers sent to off her,
4) Everly trying to protect her mother and daughter who are now in the building,
5) Everly trying to explain why she is a beautiful Mexican woman with such a stupid, Brooklyn Hipster, knit baby diapers, "This is my sister, Skysong" name.

(Okay, I made that last one up. But it really bugged me)

Did you... walk on to the wrong set? I'm confused.
It was clear while watching Everly that Joe Lynch is a huge movie fan. He's such a huge movie fan, in fact, that he tried to stuff this movie to the gills with every trope from every revenge film churned out by every country in the history of cinema. A scene featuring an assassin known as "The Sadist," complete with his caged sidekick "The Masochist" and a quartet of Kabuki killers with their mouths sewn shut seemed like it was lifted from an entirely different film. But then again, so did the earlier scene in which Everly is attacked by the United Colors of Benetton: Prostitute Division. Everly is a pastiche of 50 different films, all of them better, and all of them deserving of a more talented copycat than Lynch.

20 minutes ago you fell down shooting a gun half that... oh whatever.
The most depressing part of Everly, however, is that I felt myself straining to like it. And I blame Salma Hayek for that. I have seen almost every film she's ever been in (including the terrible ones) and she is so much better than the material in this movie. If Salma Hayek is going to be handed a role as a fierce ass-kicking, revenge-seeking killer, the film should be perfection. Because that's what she deserves. This mess, whatever may have been intended by the filmmakers, is so far below Salma Hayek's abilities that it's offensive to her and the audience.

So should you spend money to see Everly? If you are fine shutting your brain off for an hour and half to watch Salma Hayek shoot things... then watch Once Upon a Time in Mexico.

We're all going to need one of those.
Revenge Honey Rating: 1 Plot Hole out of a Script Rife with Them

Unrelated to the review Revenge Honey Angry Note: One of the final shots in the film is of a bloody, nude Japanese man in a diaper holding a machete over the head of a four-year-old girl clutching a pink teddy bear and screaming at her to turn around so he can kill her. This was unnecessary to the plot, and totally unacceptable.