The Horror Honeys: You Don't Need Tits to Die In a Horror Movie!

You Don't Need Tits to Die In a Horror Movie!

A Revenge Honey Top Ten

Despite what Horror-Movies.ca wants you to believe, women aren't the only attractive people who die in horror films. In fact, the list of hot guys who meet their maker at the end of a machete is just as long as the lady list, but since the majority of horror sites are run by guys, such lists are a little harder to come by.

And frankly, I'm sick of it.



As a red-blooded, fella-loving lady, I believe the time has come for an epic list of the hottest male victims in horror movie history... because while I appreciate the female form, it's time to drop the hammer on misogyny! I'm all about equal opportunity, and that means if society is going to spend 99% of its time objectifying women, why shouldn't men have their turn in the spotlight? Thus, to counter that supremely one-sided list above, I have compiled my list of the ten hottest MALE horror victims in history!

Are you ready to ogle? (PS - Spoilers ahead... obviously)

Number 10 - Robert Rusler as Ron Grady in A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)



Ahhh, Brokeback Elm Street... I mean Nightmare 2. Without shame, this is my third favorite film in the NOES series, for a dozen different reasons. But one of the main ones is the presence of the gorgeous (and utterly delightful) Robert Rusler. Are there better deaths at the end of Freddy's glove? Sure. But none are as buff and tan and handsome as this one. (Bonus points to Rusler for his equally epic death in Vamp).

(Skip to 2:01 if you want to see Rusler's shirtless death scene, but the whole collection is worth a watch!)



Number 9 - Freddy Rodríguez as Wray in Planet Terror (2007)


What could possibly be sexier than a motorcycle riding, zombie slaying, gun toting bandito? How about one who gives his life for you and your unborn baby? There weren't a lot of touching moments in Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror, but the final scene between Wray and Cherry would definitely be one of them.

I couldn't find that scene, so enjoy this one!




Number 8 - Jeff Goldbulm as Seth Brundle in The Fly (1986)


An unconventional choice? Perhaps. But between The Fly and Jurassic Park, Jeff Goldblum managed to redefine unconventional sexuality in genre films. And while he may not have ended up looking too pretty in Cronenberg's classic, there is no denying that he was (and is) a big sexy whooping crane.

Yeah, this has nothing to do with anything. But it tickles me.




Number 7 - Jason Miller as Father Karras in The Exorcist (1973)


Poor Father Karras: mommy issues, problems with his faith, and a hell of a pea soup stain on his uniform. But one thing goes without saying... he was an attractive man of the cloth! Going mano y pseudo-mano with Satan himself couldn't have been easy, but at least he did while looking dashing in black!

           


Number 6 - Stephen Moyer as John Guidi in The Caller (2011)


Not a lot of people have seen this absolutely awesome supernatural/revenge horror film, which is a shame. Because as yummy as Moyer is as Bill Compton on True Blood, I think he is even more delicious in The Caller. Watch the scene below for proof (but only if you're a grown-up and don't mind pretty, gauzy, romantic sex scenes). It's an exercise in subtlety, which the True Blood isn't really known for.



Number 5 - Nicholas Tucci as Felix Davison in You're Next (2011)


This one might be a little bit biased, as The Honeys were lucky enough to have Nicholas on our podcast, and he's kind of (totally) amazing. But that doesn't change the fact that he's not just a good looking fellow, but he also has hands down the best death in the entirety of Adam Wingard's You're Next. Don't believe me? Watch this (sadly, not well copied) clip of said death.



Number 4 - Kris Lemche as Sam in Ginger Snaps (2000)


Ginger Snaps is, hands down, one of my favorites horror movies. And I adored the character of Sam, because he reminded me of one of my other ideal male leads (in look if not personality), JD from Heathers. But Sam, played by the delightfully strange Kris Lemche, has a heart of gold... that is apparently irresistible to werewolves.


Number 3 - Jared Padalecki as Wade in House of Wax (2005)


Let's just all admit something, because this is a safe space: the boys of Supernatural have never made a quality film. The best thing about House of Wax was watching Paris Hilton bite it hard, but if anything else can be said about the remake, it's that Jared Padalecki is attractive, and his death WAS pretty horrifying. So it's not much, but it's something.

            

Number 2 - Kevin Bacon as Jack in Friday the 13th (1980)


We are getting close to the number one! How can you deny the adorableness of the Baconator? I decided to choose between K-Bac and Johnny Depp because, similar deals. But frankly, I'm always going to choose Kevin Bacon over Johnny Depp. Perhaps because he's the underdog in that horserace, or perhaps because his death was far less dignified and much closer to the beginning of his movie. But no matter how you slice it (slasher puns), Bacon was one hot speedo-wearing victim!



Number 1 - David Naughton as David Kessler in An American Werewolf in London (1981)


Oh, David Naughton, you sexy sexy beast. This handsome fella is number one, not just because he spent the majority of An American Werewolf in London nude (he did), but also because he's one of the hottest eventual victims on this list, human or animal. Even in the film's famous transition scene, there was still something glorious and magnetic about him. So yes, there may be more conventionally "hot" guys out there, but for me, no one will ever be a hotter victim than Mr. David Kessler... werewolf bait.