The Horror Honeys: Horrorscopes: January 2015

Horrorscopes: January 2015

Capricorn (December 23 - January 20)
January is mostly devoted to planning and building your kill shacks, dear Capricorn. You begin the year in a nice position of personal power and as the days pass, you begin to wind down and take stock of your recent victims. Building your murder tools, resources and knotting talents is in strong focus. Taking care of the bodies and tending to prized tokens and possessions can be part of the picture. You could also be quite motivated to make more hide-aways or develop your kidnapping talents this month - you have many chances to do so, the malls and shops are full of people returning gifts, their families won’t miss them. You may be putting more money and energy into comfortable masks, updated license plates, or otherwise improved dungeon life. At times this month, you could be struggling with a need to be in the spotlight and take credit for crimes that aren’t yours, but others seem to be stealing the lime-light. If you’re feeling too under appreciated, this is a good time to settle some debts with those most wanted. You’re also inclined to want more freedom in your “business” affairs, and in the second half of the month you’ll be making your demands well known. Watch for defensiveness and taking things too personally, victims will fight back, it’s what they do, but if you’re in a situation where you feel the fight is too strong, grab the chloroform and end the struggle. Around the 20th, you’ll be especially motivated to improve your financial state but don’t jump the gun on that wealthy kidnap victim just yet. New marks may need some review and extra thought before moving forward with your ransom plan.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)
Planetary positions are favorable for rapid growth of your night-shade garden. Try to find a balance between harvest and use until the third week of January. 

After the third week, change your focus to something less potent. Your continued freedom will rely on your determination this month to poison less and grow more.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)
You cannot ignore family matters complete, Pisceans. You also cannot kill them all at once. Mass murders tend to garner unwanted attention.  Use your willpower to dominate the weaker members of your family and force them to adapt to your wishes of picking off the stronger members. One. At. A. Time. 

There is only one way and that is your way! Don’t let anyone tell you differently (or you’ll cut out their tongue).

Aries (March 21 - April 20)
This month predicts that you will dominate over family. Your family, your neighbor’s family, your neighbor’s neighbor’s family. There is a need for you, Arians, to find equilibrium between your murderous ambitions and those same aspirations of others. There, in fact, can be more than one neighborhood psycho. Embrace this. You may require the help of your social contacts to successfully elude your neighborhood watch.

January is auspicious for you, Aries; digging new graves and filling in old ones.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
You should go with the flow this month. The flow being that of the river in which you dumped the bodies. Use your contacts to scout new targets during the month as you move up or down your river of blood.

There may be turbulence in relations with your friends and family during the last week of the month for you, Taureans. You should remain practical, and stealthy, in your approach and should not be swayed to dump bodies in other waters.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
This month might not be the correct time to be so aggressive in your approach. You should use an indiscrete sedan for your stalking instead of that large white van. If need be, hot wire a new vehicle to help pursue your prey in new environments.

The planetary positions in your birth chart are positive, Gemini, and will help you overcome even the largest of victims. You should keep away from your family and domestic concerns for the time being; a male relative is on to you.

Cancer (June 22 - July 23)
Domestic concerns and professional affairs will be in focus for the Cancer zodiac sign. You will have to face emotional disturbances, but don’t worry, you’ll shrug it off when you bag your next mark. But be sure not to mark your bag - leaving a calling card is a sure-fire way to get caught.

You should spend more time increasing your victim pool and seeking interesting ways to kidnap them. Avoid these confrontations in public and be sure to soundproof your trunk.

Leo (July 24 - August 23)
Family and domestic issues will dominate during the month. Don’t worry, familicide isn’t so uncommon. Profession and career will take a back seat for you, Lions (in-so-far as temp jobs between paranoid delusions counts as a career).

Your efforts will be directed towards finding mental stability in your life (good luck with that) and spirituality will be in focus (they are coming back for you). This month is powerful for social interactions, Leo, which will be necessary when hiding the bodies of your former family.
Virgo (August 24 - September 23)
Virgins, stay that way. It’s the safest way to be.

Libra (September 24 - October 23)
You should be flexible in order to overcome self-defenders.

This month is propitious for starting new projects, Libra. You should concentrate on important projects like learning new knots, fixing up your kill-shack, and sharpening your axe to achieve better results. Give some time to improving your mental strength and your brute strength.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
This will be a hectic month in terms of your drive towards accomplishing your goals. The month is suitable for starting and completing new projects for the Scorpions, like finding new hide-outs, creating unique disguises, and luring new victims.

Your outlook on murdering, maiming, and man-handling matters will undergo drastic changes. There will be a conflict while completing your mysterious projects. You should be more flexible in your approach and make compromises to suit the situation.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
This month predicts that you will have an abundance of energy. This energy should be used for constructive purposes, such as setting new traps, covering your tracks and hiding the evidence.

Planetary positions for Sagittarians are favorable for exercising your psychopathy and you can work as per your paranoia. Still, you may have to depend on loosening your grip on your ever fleeting reality so you can accomplish your deadly goals.

Bella is a writer, blogger and co-founder of Nerdery Public
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