The Horror Honeys: Alien Outpost: Sci-Fi Honey's Last Stand

Alien Outpost: Sci-Fi Honey's Last Stand

A Sci-Fi Honey 1.0 Review by Jen

Alien Outpost (2015)

*BE WARNED - SPOILERS AHEAD*

Sci-Fi Poster design 101
I’ll start this off by saying that I am a fan of military movies - I have a degree in Military History, and my father and grandfather were in the military. I also like Action movies. And as a Sci-Fi Honey, I DEFINITELY like Alien movies.

So I got to be disappointed on a few different levels when I saw Alien Outpost.

Basic Synopsis:  About five years or so from now the Earth is invaded by a bunch of aliens that look kind of like an eight foot overweight Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle/armadillo/human hybrid. Much destruction and death ensued, the military fought back, then most of the aliens, called ‘Heavies’ (BECAUSE THEY’RE HEAVY!), left. Life pretty much resumed for the rest of the world, but there is one remaining outpost somewhere in the Middle East staffed by Americans, where a spunky bunch of misfit military guys fight the remaining Heavies. 

Alien Outpost is filmed in Barf-Cam, much like Cloverfield, the premise being that two documentary filmmakers embed themselves with the guys at the Outpost and conveniently film everything. The footage was interspersed with interviews with the Outpost Soldiers, some apparently recorded After the events of the film and some Before. The Before and After were interspersed sometimes early in the movie, with no captions to indicate which interviews were which... I guess captions cost money? Dunno.

Dudes. Guns. Ammo. 
And when I say guys at the Outpost, I mean guys. There wasn’t a single female in the entire film that wasn’t silent distant drive-by background wearing a Burqa. There were, however, many Manly Men looking at magazine boobs (REVOLUTIONARY!), hazing new recruits, shooting random goats (a running gag in the film - ha ha), and basically comparing dick sizes every five minutes.

I have to say, I was debating whether Alien Outpost was reaching for satire or seriousness, and ultimately missing both. It seemed to be heading in a Starship Troopers direction, but generally satire is at least somewhat funny even when it’s serious. I was confused... ‘is this supposed to be satire about the situation in the middle east, or is it just a dumb movie where shit gets blowed up?’. Generally, if I have to ask if a movie is satire, either it’s a shit job of satirizing, or it’s just a terrible non-satirical movie and I'm hoping for more depth. 

Effects wise, the CG was generally quite good. The sound was great. They relied a bit too heavily on the shaky cam, and on the ‘documentary film equipment’ getting all flickery and short-circuit-y when there was an attack by the Heavies’ “Laser weapon,” to cause alarm and cue the "OH NO IT’S CRAZY OUT HERE!" dialogue.

There were some highly eye-rolling plot points. For example, there is a battle, our heroes get shot at and have to run for their lives. They meet back up, and are hanging out on some rocks resting, passing around water bottles and whatnot. Then someone asks: "Hey, has anyone seen Lieutenant Whateverhisnamewas? Why no, no one has! WE NEED TO GO FIND HIM!" I'm paraphrasing here, but you get the point. 

Seriously? You had time to lay down and lounge on some rocks, catch your breath, have some water, discuss how CRAZY that was, and no one noticed that someone in their ragtag band of tight-knit misfits WASN’T THERE??? Jesus people, if your whole point was Leave No Man Behind, you ought to know sooner than that and maybe not wait until dark to have to go back? 

Although, shooting in the dark saves budget and is easier to add CG into, so there’s that. Again, they might have been shooting for intentionally stupid/funny/satirically lampooning army movies. But again, if I have to wonder… 
Don't dent the Humvee, we only have it until 2pm!
Thankfully, the acting was overall well done. There was Joe Reegan, who was great as Omohundro, and Matthew Holmes, who played North (the poor guy that they all forgot back there), and I enjoyed watching them.

Creature performer, Douglas Tait played ‘The Heavy’ (Heavies?), the makeup/costume was good, he moved pretty well, and shot a mean laser. There was a quite funny ‘Chase Scene’ where a Heavy was hunting down the Outpost’s local translator. It was more of an Anxious Walk than an actual chase, with a lumbering Heavy following about 30 feet behind the translator, who could easily outrun him if he tried (and didn’t get shot). It was like the OJ Simpson Slow Chase, except in the desert and with a Giant Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle instead of a white Ford Bronco.

Pictured: Things getting CRAZY
Anyway, shit got blowed up, dicks were compared, lives were saved and lost, ‘Murica.

Sci-Fi Honey Lowdown: I was actually looking forward to seeing Alien Outpost. I was expecting some action, some Aliens, some death and destruction. What I got was bored. If they were being serious, they needed to have WAY better writing. If they were being satirical, they needed to be smarter. Alien Outpost ended up in No Man’s Land. Well, No Woman’s Land for sure, way to not have a single female in the whole movie guys! It needed to be more of a lot of things. The only thing it needed less of was expended Ammo. Insert ‘Blow their load’ joke here, it’d be along the same lines as the humor in the movie. Alien Outpost made Transformers look like Shakespeare In The Park.

Sci-fi Honey Rating: I give Alien Outpost half of a cut up porno mag out of a million. What a fucking terrible movie.