The Horror Honeys: Winter Is… Going South. Fast.

Winter Is… Going South. Fast.

A “Revenge Honey Owes Me Holiday Wine” Holiday Review by Sci-Fi Honey Jen

Jack Frost 2 - Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

Hello Kiddies, it’s your Old Sci-Fi Honey 1.0, venturing out this Hexmas Season to review a holiday film for your reading enjoyment. At the Special Request of our darling Revenge Honey, I set out to watch Jack Frost 2, the sequel to (wait for it…) Jack Frost (Reviewed HERE by the Head Honey), a movie I freely admit I didn’t watch. I’d heard this movie was a bad one, but hey, I can’t turn down a request from RH, whom I adore - especially when I get a bottle of Christmas Cheer for taking the dare. 

I only wish I’d asked for it upfront, because I was far too sober to watch this Turkey. It should have been called Jack Frost 2: They Don’t Know Jack About Filmmaking

Basic Synopsis: The movie is described as a Horror-Comedy. This implies it’s supposed to be funny. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good ‘B’ movie. I like Horror Comedy - Gremlins, Critters, there are some great and hilarious horror comedies out there.

This is not one of them.

The original Jack Frost movie was about some bad dude that came into contact with some bio goop that turned him into an evil murderous snowman, and hilarity and bloodshed ensued. This continues where the original left off, with a sheriff who survived that movie heading to the Caribbean for a wedding. Because where else would you film a movie about a fucking snowman. Sigh.

Apparently in the first movie that I didn’t watch, the sheriff hit the snowman with some anti-freeze, the snowman turned to goop, and the sheriff got his own DNA or something mixed in with Goopy the Snowman’s. I dunno, sounds lame. Anyway, the leftover snow goop anti freeze got dug up by the FBI from where the Sheriff buried it and zzzzzzzzzzzzz….

Oh sorry about that, dozed off.

Anyway, a cup of coffee landed in the goop and revived this Jack Snowman guy (as coffee does…??), and he apparently used his Psychic Friends Bond with the Sheriff to follow him (by swimming, as snowmen do, through tropical waters - wait WHUT) to the Caribbean Resort where he’s gone for a wedding. Blah blah snow, icicles, fake boobs, fake blood, poor CG, death. There. You’ve watched it.

This is how I felt about five minutes into the movie.
This movie was clearly shot at a resort in the off-season, a low end resort that doesn’t give a shit about landscaping. The cast was basically a bunch of booby girls and one fake-gay asian, and a bunch of older lame people there for the wedding. This movie was going for the ‘So Bad It’s Good’ market, which I can respect. But alas, in my experience movies that deliberately shoot for ‘So Bad It’s Good’ don’t succeed. SBIG Movies generally happen by happy accident.

There are some attempts at showing Amusing Death by: 
Giant Ice Anvil.
Stabby Icicles.
Barbecue tongs.
Exploding head.
Baby Evil Snowballs with teeth.

They had some potential, especially the Baby Evil Snowballs, but nothing was funny or gross enough. This movie had commitment issues, in my opinion. They needed to either Go Big or Go Home. The addition of some lame CG effects was (I think?) supposed to up the funny factor, but the opposite happened. There was the usual naked girl bullshit that happens in a lot of crap horror movies. This movie may have been trying to lampoon that fact, but it didn’t work, it just seemed gratuitous and lame.  

Come back with my drink, you little frozen bastard!
I didn’t find the characters engaging or funny, the writing was just not amusing. I kept waiting for it to go so over-the-top that it was funny, but it never happened. It stayed in mid-range eye-roll land.

Sci-Fi Honey Lowdown: In Jack Frost: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman, Island Security blames a “Coconut Shark” for squishing one woman. 

This movie jumped the Coconut Shark pretty early on.

This movie has truly shitty music. Crap voice acting - Crap acting in general. Gratuitous, useless, not very good nudity. Not very amusing deaths that were supposed to be funny. The lame “special effects” were what really doomed it for me. I actually really like terrible effects. The problem is that they tried to mix really bad CG with stuff like puppets and other live action stuff. I think if they’d skipped the CG, and went straight puppets and other patently obviously fake effects, they could have pulled this thing out of the nose dive and it might have landed in SBIG territory. But they didn’t commit 100% to being a terrible movie. And so, into the dustbin it goes, along with old New Kids on the Block cd’s and that fruitcake only my mom seems to like. Don’t even buy this to play in the background at your ironic holiday party.

If you like Pina Colada's, and getting stabbed in the... nevermind.
This movie was trying for SBIG. But it’s just SB.

Sci-Fi Honey Rating: I give Jack Frost 2 a big Christmas Goose Egg. 0 Lame-Ass Evil Baby Snowballs out of a Million. This movie is a turkey so big you could feed Christmas dinner to the entire US Marine Corps. 

Jack Frost 2 is available on YouTube. Seriously. Don't pay to watch it.

Have you suffered through this sequel?
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